deepundergroundpoetry.com
the luxury of being wa(i)st(e) full
16 hr 7 days
got me bitchin about the suns rays
but at least
i can afford to spill my beer
and not have it ruin my life right now
i can offer every pair of shoes
i own to the concrete gods
in effigy
of my feet not being in them yet
i can put a message
in a 40 bottle
and try to throw it into the mississippi river
probably hit an oncoming vehicle
and afford to get a lawyer
i can wish i had a dog
talk to myself all day long
and only vocalize
when i come home alone and put it in text
for a bunch of people i've never even met on the fuckin internet
i certainly bitch
about all the shitty messes i put myself in
how much i hate all the hate
and a lil love
might be a gift
but i'm just talkin shit
i'll always be a negative prick
it's really a personal test
to keep that verbal in check
until you've seen the last of the last
of the phillies or mets
i'll still be splappin my
N.Y
silly dick down in print
got me bitchin about the suns rays
but at least
i can afford to spill my beer
and not have it ruin my life right now
i can offer every pair of shoes
i own to the concrete gods
in effigy
of my feet not being in them yet
i can put a message
in a 40 bottle
and try to throw it into the mississippi river
probably hit an oncoming vehicle
and afford to get a lawyer
i can wish i had a dog
talk to myself all day long
and only vocalize
when i come home alone and put it in text
for a bunch of people i've never even met on the fuckin internet
i certainly bitch
about all the shitty messes i put myself in
how much i hate all the hate
and a lil love
might be a gift
but i'm just talkin shit
i'll always be a negative prick
it's really a personal test
to keep that verbal in check
until you've seen the last of the last
of the phillies or mets
i'll still be splappin my
N.Y
silly dick down in print
Published 29th Aug 2013
| Edited 31st Aug 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 9
reading list entries 1
comments 14
reads 976
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Aug 2013 11:27pm
3rd Sep 2013 11:48pm
Anonymous
30th Aug 2013 00:17am
yep, what ataki said jr
strider
strider
3rd Sep 2013 11:48pm
30th Aug 2013 1:35am
oh jr....been wanting to give an in depth comment, then you have another write, a very good thing.
this one: I read it a few mins ago, and something changed.. the opening had something before that first line I think? that stanza is great, and that spilled beer not ruining your day is fucking awesome, that kind of thing you do, with complex and witty observations, laid out in humor, to be honest, makes me jealous, very well done...in that stanza though, what got you bitchin about the sun rays?
in general with this piece, and I am going way out so I might be completely full of shit, but the "luxury of being wasteful " transitions from the having money from working ( ghetto baller feels better than anything, I love that voice that u have w that), into the luxury of wasting words on a write...which is an awesome idea, but ballsy and you need that fucking spit shined swag to pull it off... the end sound nice, but it isn't as concise as the beginning...you are telling us you are going to write because of the weight of that ny dick, but we cant feel the weight of that dick...don't tell me, show me
being a bit tough, just because you keep elevating your game. For real... Just gonna comment here, but that second to last one you wrote " downwrite patriotic" was really great...fucking love that voice. I think that you should try to labor over the spelling errors and grammar and structure, because at first you came w this raw energy that blew through those things and was real powerful...the clearer you get doesn't diminish that, it makes it stronger and transcendent...yup used that word, you are far beyond the gruff character that feeds your stories....fuck everything I just said, and keep writing, I have seen few artists develop as quickl, and unapologetically as you have
ps..the Phillies though?
this one: I read it a few mins ago, and something changed.. the opening had something before that first line I think? that stanza is great, and that spilled beer not ruining your day is fucking awesome, that kind of thing you do, with complex and witty observations, laid out in humor, to be honest, makes me jealous, very well done...in that stanza though, what got you bitchin about the sun rays?
in general with this piece, and I am going way out so I might be completely full of shit, but the "luxury of being wasteful " transitions from the having money from working ( ghetto baller feels better than anything, I love that voice that u have w that), into the luxury of wasting words on a write...which is an awesome idea, but ballsy and you need that fucking spit shined swag to pull it off... the end sound nice, but it isn't as concise as the beginning...you are telling us you are going to write because of the weight of that ny dick, but we cant feel the weight of that dick...don't tell me, show me
being a bit tough, just because you keep elevating your game. For real... Just gonna comment here, but that second to last one you wrote " downwrite patriotic" was really great...fucking love that voice. I think that you should try to labor over the spelling errors and grammar and structure, because at first you came w this raw energy that blew through those things and was real powerful...the clearer you get doesn't diminish that, it makes it stronger and transcendent...yup used that word, you are far beyond the gruff character that feeds your stories....fuck everything I just said, and keep writing, I have seen few artists develop as quickl, and unapologetically as you have
ps..the Phillies though?
3rd Sep 2013 1:12pm
pretty spot on with the title there lb.
i was actually tryin to play on a few diff angles.
the luxury of bein waiste full-
wasting words on paper
ghetto baller
being full of waste
waist full- having the dick and balls to be honest in my writes
the last there was the main reason for the otherwise bs cliche rap like line thrown in there about the ny silly dick thing.
no worries on being tough man.shit rip me apart bro. i want the crit not jus fuckaroo smily faces. especially from you brotha.you can point out things that i really will address being were on that level.
glad you liked "downwrite patriotic" too man.
i was worried that may have gone a lil too far into a dennis leary type of rant and strayed from
the average blue collar miserable american voice i seem to display. i don't really wanna sound like anybody but sometimes i look back and see it that way so end up deleting it.
but i'm glad that worked for u as well bro.
dig it.
thanx homie...
i was actually tryin to play on a few diff angles.
the luxury of bein waiste full-
wasting words on paper
ghetto baller
being full of waste
waist full- having the dick and balls to be honest in my writes
the last there was the main reason for the otherwise bs cliche rap like line thrown in there about the ny silly dick thing.
no worries on being tough man.shit rip me apart bro. i want the crit not jus fuckaroo smily faces. especially from you brotha.you can point out things that i really will address being were on that level.
glad you liked "downwrite patriotic" too man.
i was worried that may have gone a lil too far into a dennis leary type of rant and strayed from
the average blue collar miserable american voice i seem to display. i don't really wanna sound like anybody but sometimes i look back and see it that way so end up deleting it.
but i'm glad that worked for u as well bro.
dig it.
thanx homie...
30th Aug 2013 8:25am
3rd Sep 2013 11:50pm
Anonymous
1st Sep 2013 11:35am
<< post removed >>
3rd Sep 2013 11:50pm
3rd Sep 2013 11:34pm
3rd Sep 2013 11:53pm
Anonymous
4th Sep 2013 1:17am
<< post removed >>
27th Dec 2013 10:01am
Still slapping my silly dick down in print
Do we earn comfort from backbreaking days? Or do we steal the honesty in the confidence of it? Fuck it, the shit is good.
Do we earn comfort from backbreaking days? Or do we steal the honesty in the confidence of it? Fuck it, the shit is good.
