deepundergroundpoetry.com
Our Stare, not theirs.
You've been the first to know,
and you'll be the last I'll tell.
It's come around,
this cycle
of Hate
and of Love.
But it's rather...
Manipulative.
In the sweetest of ways,
it's brought us closer.
or maybe I assume too much.
We've known,
known of a connection.
of our blank, apathetic stares
gazing back years ago.
inciting fear in others
but only desire with ourselves
to know each other.
Better than we know ourselves
You tell me,
and I'll tell you
that our hands will never be clean
so we share in the blood,
the scars.
Why bother trying to wash them?
My past is yours
and your pain is mine.
and you'll be the last I'll tell.
It's come around,
this cycle
of Hate
and of Love.
But it's rather...
Manipulative.
In the sweetest of ways,
it's brought us closer.
or maybe I assume too much.
We've known,
known of a connection.
of our blank, apathetic stares
gazing back years ago.
inciting fear in others
but only desire with ourselves
to know each other.
Better than we know ourselves
You tell me,
and I'll tell you
that our hands will never be clean
so we share in the blood,
the scars.
Why bother trying to wash them?
My past is yours
and your pain is mine.
Written by
AscensionES
(Aptilneilrionaltion)
Published 26th Jul 2013
| Edited 27th Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 11
reading list entries 2
comments 19
reads 982
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Your Stare, is also Mine
Anonymous
26th Jul 2013 3:27pm
You tell me,
and I'll tell you
that our hands will never be clean
so we share in the blood,
the scars.
Why bother trying to wash them?
you hit mate
one of your best ever
evan
strider!
and I'll tell you
that our hands will never be clean
so we share in the blood,
the scars.
Why bother trying to wash them?
you hit mate
one of your best ever
evan
strider!
1
re: Re: Your Stare, is also Mine
26th Jul 2013 3:30pm
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
26th Jul 2013 3:44pm
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 5:08am
Evan
really decent writing here man, the couplets at the start and end are very fitting, definitely like them a lot.
First stanza is nice, there's a bit of wild capitalization going on here and there , and maybe manipulation is the wrong variant of that word (strictly on a grammatical level) I think manipulative is the word you're looking for there.
second stanza is pretty good as well, it's soft and fluid, honest and shows a human side, a vulnerability, I admire your restraint, I think I'd have rhymed known with grown in the first two lines without even thinking about it.
I think the penultimate stanza, or at least the last line it it might spoil the feel of the rest of the poem for an instant, it's kind of ominous or threatening or something.
all in though, I think you've done very well here and tip the cap to your evolution as a word smither.
shine on man.
really decent writing here man, the couplets at the start and end are very fitting, definitely like them a lot.
First stanza is nice, there's a bit of wild capitalization going on here and there , and maybe manipulation is the wrong variant of that word (strictly on a grammatical level) I think manipulative is the word you're looking for there.
second stanza is pretty good as well, it's soft and fluid, honest and shows a human side, a vulnerability, I admire your restraint, I think I'd have rhymed known with grown in the first two lines without even thinking about it.
I think the penultimate stanza, or at least the last line it it might spoil the feel of the rest of the poem for an instant, it's kind of ominous or threatening or something.
all in though, I think you've done very well here and tip the cap to your evolution as a word smither.
shine on man.
1
re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 5:15am
Thanks man, I'll give it a re-run
The shitter my life gets, the more my writing improves, it's fantastic.
The shitter my life gets, the more my writing improves, it's fantastic.
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 5:46am
I read this earlier Evan. It is very clear and concise. Puts me in mind of some of Kerouac's later minimalist work.
"of our blank, apathetic stares"
In my opinion, I would get rid of that line or re-work it Hun. It's a little too (don't get pissy with me lol) "emo" for my taste.(I can't think of a better word at the moment)
Other than that, I think you have a solid premise Darlin
Enjoyed re-reading this. :)
"of our blank, apathetic stares"
In my opinion, I would get rid of that line or re-work it Hun. It's a little too (don't get pissy with me lol) "emo" for my taste.(I can't think of a better word at the moment)
Other than that, I think you have a solid premise Darlin
Enjoyed re-reading this. :)
1
re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 5:49am
re: re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 5:55am
re: re: re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 6:11am
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 4:24pm
awe,
that's really sweet,
and not generically trying to state, but very well written,
i'm very fond of the title =],
that's really sweet,
and not generically trying to state, but very well written,
i'm very fond of the title =],
1
re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
27th Jul 2013 4:33pm
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
8th Aug 2013 11:25am
I shall add this to my reading A fine piece of writing may I suggest ?
My past is yours
your pain is mine
1
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
Anonymous
10th Aug 2013 12:30pm
The middle sentences of S3 don't start with capitals. I'd suggest changing "past" in the last stanza to "pain", because as it is it seems like the pain belongs entirely to the addressed person, while previous stanzas imply something else.
It's a good poem, gently melodic in its free verse way and containing a few intense, poignant images, like those "blank, apathetic stares" gazing through time. "Stares gazing" could at first seem oxymoronic - they're stares, not gazes - but it actually works because it makes "stares" a noun, which is effective. This poem is a love letter rich with ache, I think. I also like your capitilisation of "Hate" and "Love" in S2; it lends those emotions a faintly religious air, the way pagans do with "Nature". Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read.
It's a good poem, gently melodic in its free verse way and containing a few intense, poignant images, like those "blank, apathetic stares" gazing through time. "Stares gazing" could at first seem oxymoronic - they're stares, not gazes - but it actually works because it makes "stares" a noun, which is effective. This poem is a love letter rich with ache, I think. I also like your capitilisation of "Hate" and "Love" in S2; it lends those emotions a faintly religious air, the way pagans do with "Nature". Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read.
0
re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
10th Aug 2013 2:01pm
Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
Anonymous
22nd Sep 2013 8:46am
Evan,
The opening couplet makes this sound closer to a journal entry than a sharp piece of wrating. My suggestion is to step back away from the piece and read it with fresh eyes.
'of' isn't really needed in S2 L4. Too many prepositions weakens your writing. The ellipses in S2 L5 also weaken what you are saying, they force a trailing pause. Here, it feels like hesitation or coyness, which is out of sync with the overall tone.
S3 L1 consider paringdown to " In the sweetest way", again avoiding a prepositional phrase.
S3 L4 and L5 I don't think the repetition or the comma is necessary.
[We've known
a connection
of blank apathetic stares] isn't just more concise, it rings more true to the blunt blade you scored the majority with.
The seemingly haphazard capitalization is, well, distracting.
The opening couplet makes this sound closer to a journal entry than a sharp piece of wrating. My suggestion is to step back away from the piece and read it with fresh eyes.
'of' isn't really needed in S2 L4. Too many prepositions weakens your writing. The ellipses in S2 L5 also weaken what you are saying, they force a trailing pause. Here, it feels like hesitation or coyness, which is out of sync with the overall tone.
S3 L1 consider paringdown to " In the sweetest way", again avoiding a prepositional phrase.
S3 L4 and L5 I don't think the repetition or the comma is necessary.
[We've known
a connection
of blank apathetic stares] isn't just more concise, it rings more true to the blunt blade you scored the majority with.
The seemingly haphazard capitalization is, well, distracting.
0
re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
Anonymous
- Edited 22nd Sep 2013 9:10am
22nd Sep 2013 8:51am
So my phone is a cunt and I wasn't quite finished yet.
Overall, I like the piece. It's painful, hopeful and decently written. I feel comfortable giving you honest crit, and it's all just my opinion, but I do think a few small tweaks would render this brutally lovely. Good job.
Overall, I like the piece. It's painful, hopeful and decently written. I feel comfortable giving you honest crit, and it's all just my opinion, but I do think a few small tweaks would render this brutally lovely. Good job.
0
re: re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
22nd Sep 2013 9:02am
Aish,
Thank you :- ) that's effective critique which I'll apply with a grin, lol. Glad to see you here, Aish. :- )
Thank you :- ) that's effective critique which I'll apply with a grin, lol. Glad to see you here, Aish. :- )
re: re: re: Re: Our Stare, not theirs.
Anonymous
22nd Sep 2013 9:07am
Happy to be here, good sir. :)
0