deepundergroundpoetry.com
You're better than me
I'm the bastard child,
the son of all disdain.
The prodigy of a broken home,
the child wrapped in chain.
You look at me like Jesus,
like some messiah, grey,
but I am now a desperate,
a man without a day.
the son of all disdain.
The prodigy of a broken home,
the child wrapped in chain.
You look at me like Jesus,
like some messiah, grey,
but I am now a desperate,
a man without a day.
Published 7th Dec 2010
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
I would have prefered it stripped back a little harder...still feels a bit fat. It is an honest litle piece, but maybe falls short of where you can take it...things such as using 'like' twice in two lines of the same verse requires very good control to not sound like you ran out of words...
I, the bastard child,
son of your disdain.
progeny of broken home,
child, wrapped in chain.
You look at me like I'm Jesus,
as some messiah, grey,
but I am now just desperate,
man without a day.
(maybe it's rude to do this to your poem, but the piece has legs to work with a little editing...)
I, the bastard child,
son of your disdain.
progeny of broken home,
child, wrapped in chain.
You look at me like I'm Jesus,
as some messiah, grey,
but I am now just desperate,
man without a day.
(maybe it's rude to do this to your poem, but the piece has legs to work with a little editing...)
