deepundergroundpoetry.com
untitled . .
- Holding Hands Won't Be Enough,
In A World Giving Head To A Gun,
Love In Theory & Practice Chapter One,
I Twist & Turn In Your Arms Swirl,
The Dizzier I Get The Clearer I See With You,
I'm At Peace With The War Within, Please Don't Stop Till My Heart No Longer Screams
In A World Giving Head To A Gun,
Love In Theory & Practice Chapter One,
I Twist & Turn In Your Arms Swirl,
The Dizzier I Get The Clearer I See With You,
I'm At Peace With The War Within, Please Don't Stop Till My Heart No Longer Screams
Published 1st Dec 2010
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 0
reading list entries 0
comments 2
reads 758
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
1st Dec 2010 12:03pm
Holding Hands Won't Be Enough!
There is a world giving head to a gun!
(This is more dramatic, also try not to capitalise every word and, if you like, only capitalise the important words.)
Love In Theory &(Try to use and as it reads better) Practice (You could use this symbol - : so...Love in theory and practice : Chapter one) Chapter One,
I Twist & Turn In Your Arms(Full stop here? As swirl is just another noun) Swirl, (Again capitals and the '&' symbol.
The Dizzier I Get The Clearer I See With You, (Don't need the with?)
I'm At Peace With The War Within, (Two withs in one line?) Please Don't Stop (Until or 'Til) Till My Heart No Longer Screams (Maybe you could make it longer)
All in all I think there is ALOT of good here. I love 'world giving head to the gun' line, it's what attracted me, but don't be afraid to think up an excentric title and to keep going. I think this poem would explain so much long. Anyway, I hope this is some good feedback, I'll have a look at your next piece when you write it :D Thanks for the read : LiteraryFailure.
There is a world giving head to a gun!
(This is more dramatic, also try not to capitalise every word and, if you like, only capitalise the important words.)
Love In Theory &(Try to use and as it reads better) Practice (You could use this symbol - : so...Love in theory and practice : Chapter one) Chapter One,
I Twist & Turn In Your Arms(Full stop here? As swirl is just another noun) Swirl, (Again capitals and the '&' symbol.
The Dizzier I Get The Clearer I See With You, (Don't need the with?)
I'm At Peace With The War Within, (Two withs in one line?) Please Don't Stop (Until or 'Til) Till My Heart No Longer Screams (Maybe you could make it longer)
All in all I think there is ALOT of good here. I love 'world giving head to the gun' line, it's what attracted me, but don't be afraid to think up an excentric title and to keep going. I think this poem would explain so much long. Anyway, I hope this is some good feedback, I'll have a look at your next piece when you write it :D Thanks for the read : LiteraryFailure.
1st Dec 2010 4:34pm
