WITHOUT YOU      (II)  

         
each morning     long before dawn          
       struggling     around 4 a m          
disturbed from sleep     each night          
       semi awakened     by restless thoughts          
some constant     gnawing          
       in my     guts          
and the filtering     of noises          
       in these vague voices     filling my head          
too many     all my own again   
       trying to find their     lost way through          
this lonely     lonesome darkness          
       to some less     painful plane          
of softer     understanding          
       to some clearer     subconscious meaning          
to keep me     half afloat          
       until some     new day comes          
so hard     to keep my head          
       just above     the rising waters          
of all these     heavy feelings          
       now so lost     insecure          
somewhat empty     and uncertain          
       how much more     can i endure          
of this destruction     of my world          
       that wakes me from     my peaceful rest          
into the raining tears     of all this bloody stillness    
       where i now feel     im slowly drowning          
in my worries     in myself          
       chilled and treading     these unclear waters          
in desperate search     of something strong          
       and buoyant enough     to hold onto          
to carry me back     to safety again          
       to get me through     this lonesome time          
my slowly breaking     aching heart          
       this heavy mountain     on my chest          
crushing every weighty breath     right out of me  
       in this recurrent nightmare     of no dry          
stable land in sight     nothing here          
       but endless miles     of deep  dark depths          
stretching through     the emptiness          
       of this suffocating     sea of night          
where i wait     with zero confidence          
       for any rescue     at all to come          
this catastrophic     wreck i am          
       am i the     only one left          
somewhere unseen     far out of sight          
       as flotsam and jetsam     go drifting by          
in broken pieces     of myself          
       everywhere     all around me          
i bump into them     and can only cry          
       in wondering what     just happened here          
and what all these     broken pieces of me mean          
       to grieve at what     once might have been          
at what went wrong     and when          
       to cause this vessels     sudden sinking          
as i listen more deeply     into this empty night          
       for the faintest sound     of anothers r e m dream sleep breathing     nearby      
       to comfort me     here in this cold    
lonesome darkness      
       yet night after     night          
no ones here     to be found          
       to either     hold          
nor     save me          
       uncertain even     if im still alive          
much less     the one that i was with          
       my one  true love     so distant now          
i just cant     tell any more          
       until  suddenly     i realize            
im not just     dreaming here          
       for now it appears     that this is all                
thats left     of my once          
       so happy     life          
my dreams and hopes     all sunken now          
       in which i too feel     i am sinking          
drowning a little further away     each and every night
       haunted by the     fragile sound          
of something precious     breaking down          
       then suddenly sinking     from my sight          
from my senses     from my soul          
       until sunk away completely     from my life          
now so lost     and insecure          
       aching     and uncertain          
yet i can only     continue dreaming          
       my restless dream     of hoping          
that with each new     sacred dawn          
       of finding something     strong          
and buoyant enough     to hold onto          
       to carry me back     to safety again          
to get me through     this lonesome time          
       beyond my slowly     breaking heart          
and this wounded mountain     on my chest          
       crushing every weighty breath     right out of me      
beyond this recurrent     nightmare  
       of no dry land     in sight          
still nothing here     but this weary          
       near constant sense     of drowning          
in my worries     in myself          
       beyond this helpless     sinking          
of my heart     and soul again          
       where is the     distant light          
of that precious     love          
       that once     so filled my life          
with joy and     dreams of hope          
       much like the warmth     of sun now gone          
in this unbearable     heartaches lingering          
       where i can only     vainly long          
and wonder throughout     each sleepless night          
       if i will ever get     yet another chance          
to feel and know     the beauty          
       warmth and     inner glow          
of his   or any mans          
       sweet    loving hearts            
deep     inner  healing      
       touch     again