WITHOUT YOU      (II)  

           
each morning     long before dawn            
       struggling     around 4 a m            
disturbed from sleep     each night            
       semi awakened     by restless thoughts            
some constant     gnawing            
       in my     guts            
and the filtering     of noises            
       in these vague voices     filling my head            
too many     all my own again     
       trying to find their     lost way through            
this lonely     lonesome darkness            
       to some less     painful plane            
of softer     understanding            
       to some clearer     subconscious meaning            
to keep me     half afloat            
       until some     new day comes            
so hard     to keep my head            
       just above     the rising waters            
of all these     heavy feelings            
       now so lost     insecure            
somewhat empty     and uncertain            
       how much more     can i endure            
of this destruction     of my world            
       that wakes me from     my peaceful rest            
into the raining tears     of all this bloody stillness    
       where i now feel     im slowly drowning            
in my worries     in myself            
       chilled and treading     these unclear waters            
in desperate search     of something strong            
       and buoyant enough     to hold onto            
to carry me back     to safety again            
       to get me through     this lonesome time            
my slowly breaking     aching heart            
       this heavy mountain     on my chest            
crushing every weighty breath     right out of me  
       in this recurrent nightmare     of no dry            
stable land in sight     nothing here            
       but endless miles     of deep  dark depths            
stretching through     the emptiness            
       of this suffocating     sea of night            
where i wait     with zero confidence            
       for any rescue     at all to come            
this catastrophic     wreck i am            
       am i the     only one left            
somewhere unseen     far out of sight            
       as flotsam and jetsam     go drifting by            
in broken pieces     of myself            
       everywhere     all around me            
i bump into them     and can only cry            
       in wondering what     just happened here            
and what all these     broken pieces of me mean            
       to grieve at what     once might have been            
at what went wrong     and when            
       to cause this vessels     sudden sinking            
as i listen more deeply     into this empty night            
       for the faintest sound     of anothers r e m dream sleep breathing     nearby      
       to comfort me     here in this cold      
lonesome darkness        
       yet night after     night            
no ones here     to be found            
       to either     hold            
nor     save me            
       uncertain even     if im still alive            
much less     the one that i was with            
       my one  true love     so distant now            
i just cant     tell any more            
       until  suddenly     i realize            
im not just     dreaming here            
       for now it appears     that this is all                
thats left     of my once            
       so happy     life            
my dreams and hopes     all sunken now            
       in which i too feel     i am sinking            
drowning a little further away     each and every night
       haunted by the     fragile sound            
of something precious     breaking down            
       then suddenly sinking     from my sight            
from my senses     from my soul            
       until sunk away completely     from my life            
now so lost     and insecure            
       aching     and uncertain            
yet i can only     continue dreaming            
       my restless dream     of hoping            
that with each new     sacred dawn            
       of finding something     strong            
and buoyant enough     to hold onto            
       to carry me back     to safety again            
to get me through     this lonesome time            
       beyond my slowly     breaking heart            
and this wounded mountain     on my chest            
       crushing every weighty breath     right out of me      
beyond this recurrent     nightmare    
       of no dry land     in sight            
still nothing here     but this weary            
       near constant sense     of drowning            
in my worries     in myself            
       beyond this helpless     sinking            
of my heart     and soul again            
       where is the     distant light            
of that precious     love            
       that once     so filled my life            
with joy and     dreams of hope            
       much like the warmth     of sun now gone            
in this unbearable     heartaches lingering            
       where i can only     vainly long            
and wonder throughout     each sleepless night            
       if i will ever get     yet another chance            
to feel and know     the beautiful          
      thrill     and warm
inner glow     of his
       or of     any man s        
ripe     open heart s          
       intimately     deep
healing     embrace s
       unconditional  
sweet     loving touch
       again