deepundergroundpoetry.com
< peter >
"Blessed are the pure in heart:
for they shall see God." - Matthew 5:8
< peter >
the lost dog
(proud he'd made it
on his own)
imagined the small asian
wolves that were his
ancestors
imagined them as they
hunted mastodons in packs
as they brought them down
in a symphony of howls
(in truth, they ate mice)
then
under a dark oak
he saw a chewed-up envelope
peter flipped the envelope
with his good paw
and a note
spilled out
and he read
(something he'd learned
from his years on the road)
of the second coming of christ
and the note said
this coming was eminent
and that we
should all prepare
following his nose
he walked away
(the scent of fresh mouse
was in the air)
though he couldn't help
wondering about the note
since christ
came every day
usually by 8 am
- - -
Published 11th Jun 2013
| Edited 30th Jun 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
reading list entries 3
comments 9
reads 1363
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
11th Jun 2013 2:16pm
a Teddyplane classic
made
me
smile-a-mile
bless'ed be, dear Peter dawg!
made
me
smile-a-mile
bless'ed be, dear Peter dawg!
14th Jun 2013 9:05pm
11th Jun 2013 2:21pm
14th Jun 2013 8:58pm
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Jan 2019 8:46am
13th Jun 2013 3:02pm
<< post removed >>
14th Jun 2013 9:02pm
Yes, truthfully, the end to religious metaphor is no where in sight.
But, luckily, there's no end to small asian wolves;
and, even more luckily, they ARE in sight.
But, luckily, there's no end to small asian wolves;
and, even more luckily, they ARE in sight.
25th Jun 2013 6:13am
ignore this i'm just saving it here to copy elsewhere
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And ignore this as well as I'm just saving it here to copy elsewhere.
[quote='tanglefoot' pid='130865' dateline='1372502280']
Tired, useless spun out tears may fall
for wasted time and wasted years.
Will I ever feel myself, what's more
will I ever feel fulfilled and whole?
Can I sever ties with you, without tears
For days and months and years and years.
[/quote]
Ignoring the content for the moment (it's not that bad, it mainly needs
changes in its logic), I'd like you to look at its rhythm. (Since I have no
idea how much you know of all this, forgive me if I tell you stuff you
already know.)
The first two lines of your poem have 4 iambic feet. An iambic foot is made
up of two syllables where the loudest (I'll use 'stressed' instead of 'loudest'
from now on) syllable is the second one.
Notice that when you pronoun the word '' igNORE ", its 2nd syllable is its loudest.
UPPER CASE indicates stress (loudness). The word "USEless" has its stress on the
first syllable. Speak them to get the idea. See? (Hope so. :)
So an iambic foot is just like ''igNOR". So a line of a poem with four "igNOR" 's:
igNOR igNOR igNOR igNOR
Would be a line with 4 iambic feet.
(You can find a more detailed [and better] explanation of poetic feet and
line length here: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/570/03/ )
So lets mark your first two lines like we did for ignore
Tired, USEless SPUN out TEARS may FALL
for WASTed TIME and WASTed YEARS.
In the 1st and 2nd lines the iambic feet are:
1st: 'Tired, USE' 2nd: 'less SPUN' 3rd: 'out TEARS' 4th: 'may FALL'
1st: 'for WAST' 2nd: 'ed TIME' 3rd: 'and WAST' 4th: 'ed YEARS'
Notice they can be made up of single words where you say the
second one loudest (stress it) or even a word that's divided up.
Those first two lines are good four-footed iambic lines. Once you start using
four-footed iambic lines in your poem, all the rest of the lines need to be
four-footed as well. (That's simplifying it a bit but don't worry about it.)
(The same if you'd started with 5-footed ones.)
And I'll throw the 6th line in right here because it's good as well:
For DAYS and MONTHS and YEARS and YEARS.
So the 1st, 2nd, and 6th lines are good because they're all four-footed
iambic lines.
BUT lines 3, 4, and 5 are not and need to be corrected.
Here are the stresses for these 3 lines:
WILL i EVer FEEL my SELF, what's MORE
WILL i EVer FEEL ful FILLED and WHOLE?
CAN i SEVer TIES with YOU with OUT tears
start here:
etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
[quote='tanglefoot' pid='130865' dateline='1372502280']
Tired, useless spun out tears may fall
for wasted time and wasted years.
Will I ever feel myself, what's more
will I ever feel fulfilled and whole?
Can I sever ties with you, without tears
For days and months and years and years.
[/quote]
Ignoring the content for the moment (it's not that bad, it mainly needs
changes in its logic), I'd like you to look at its rhythm. (Since I have no
idea how much you know of all this, forgive me if I tell you stuff you
already know.)
The first two lines of your poem have 4 iambic feet. An iambic foot is made
up of two syllables where the loudest (I'll use 'stressed' instead of 'loudest'
from now on) syllable is the second one.
Notice that when you pronoun the word '' igNORE ", its 2nd syllable is its loudest.
UPPER CASE indicates stress (loudness). The word "USEless" has its stress on the
first syllable. Speak them to get the idea. See? (Hope so. :)
So an iambic foot is just like ''igNOR". So a line of a poem with four "igNOR" 's:
igNOR igNOR igNOR igNOR
Would be a line with 4 iambic feet.
(You can find a more detailed [and better] explanation of poetic feet and
line length here: http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/570/03/ )
So lets mark your first two lines like we did for ignore
Tired, USEless SPUN out TEARS may FALL
for WASTed TIME and WASTed YEARS.
In the 1st and 2nd lines the iambic feet are:
1st: 'Tired, USE' 2nd: 'less SPUN' 3rd: 'out TEARS' 4th: 'may FALL'
1st: 'for WAST' 2nd: 'ed TIME' 3rd: 'and WAST' 4th: 'ed YEARS'
Notice they can be made up of single words where you say the
second one loudest (stress it) or even a word that's divided up.
Those first two lines are good four-footed iambic lines. Once you start using
four-footed iambic lines in your poem, all the rest of the lines need to be
four-footed as well. (That's simplifying it a bit but don't worry about it.)
(The same if you'd started with 5-footed ones.)
And I'll throw the 6th line in right here because it's good as well:
For DAYS and MONTHS and YEARS and YEARS.
So the 1st, 2nd, and 6th lines are good because they're all four-footed
iambic lines.
BUT lines 3, 4, and 5 are not and need to be corrected.
Here are the stresses for these 3 lines:
WILL i EVer FEEL my SELF, what's MORE
WILL i EVer FEEL ful FILLED and WHOLE?
CAN i SEVer TIES with YOU with OUT tears
start here:
etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc.
21st Jul 2014 5:21am
Wow this is a nice welcome back to DU poetry! I was a member on here for some time lowridergirl and you are always one of my favorites, I forgot my old password though :/ you always have written with such a furious passion.. anyways love these new one's I'll have to catch up. Thank you!
