deepundergroundpoetry.com
Another Symptom
You are the bitter
To my saintly
Sultry sweetness
The lock
And swap of spit
Between her plump ruby lips
And mine
My saint of a wife
You...
And you see?
There's the disorder
Mind on straight and narrow
Single track
Flow uninterrupted
Then
From the far
Deep dark
Corner of the room
A lone cricket
Sings his fiddle of a song
And...
BIGGITY BAM!!!
The jagged red brick
Collides with my grey matter
The revered frontal lobe
And this god damned
Four letter word
And...
"In god we trust"
Emblazoned upon the top
Of the back
Of this hundred dollar bill
Federal reserve bill
This flacid piece of
Promissory note
Cotton paper
So worthless...
The barter system
Of folding paper
For goods...
In my peripheral vision
This fast moving
Wooden
Louisville slugger
Dents my temple
Personified by
A.D.H.D.
"Don't forget folks...
Fresh hot popcorn
And assorted soda and candy...
Be sure to take full advantage
Of our squeaky clean
Facilities
During our
10 minute intermission..."
My break from reality
With the constant
Racing thoughts
Zoned out
Emotionless
Stone cold glare
(Of a man, un-medicated)
Lips quiver
And
Confused, introspective look
(Yet another symptom)
The zombified stare
Of a man
With a mind
Non-tranquil
To my saintly
Sultry sweetness
The lock
And swap of spit
Between her plump ruby lips
And mine
My saint of a wife
You...
And you see?
There's the disorder
Mind on straight and narrow
Single track
Flow uninterrupted
Then
From the far
Deep dark
Corner of the room
A lone cricket
Sings his fiddle of a song
And...
BIGGITY BAM!!!
The jagged red brick
Collides with my grey matter
The revered frontal lobe
And this god damned
Four letter word
And...
"In god we trust"
Emblazoned upon the top
Of the back
Of this hundred dollar bill
Federal reserve bill
This flacid piece of
Promissory note
Cotton paper
So worthless...
The barter system
Of folding paper
For goods...
In my peripheral vision
This fast moving
Wooden
Louisville slugger
Dents my temple
Personified by
A.D.H.D.
"Don't forget folks...
Fresh hot popcorn
And assorted soda and candy...
Be sure to take full advantage
Of our squeaky clean
Facilities
During our
10 minute intermission..."
My break from reality
With the constant
Racing thoughts
Zoned out
Emotionless
Stone cold glare
(Of a man, un-medicated)
Lips quiver
And
Confused, introspective look
(Yet another symptom)
The zombified stare
Of a man
With a mind
Non-tranquil
Published 5th Jun 2013
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jun 2013 6:20pm
oooh you're really riding the socks off this one.
this disjointed work you write is turning out to be a style now.
who knows? maybe you'll pioneer a new form of poetry at this rate.
this disjointed work you write is turning out to be a style now.
who knows? maybe you'll pioneer a new form of poetry at this rate.
7th Jun 2013 6:35pm
Lol, Pioneer... Nice. Thank you for the kind words homie. Much appreciated.
8th Jun 2013 5:58am
Lots of keen images here, B, especially in the discussion about the money system and the movie theatre scene. The poem rambles on like a runaway train and while I gather that is the gist of the work, a renegade stream of consciousness, you got to be careful not to lose your reader. Maybe some smoother transitions to the random thoughts to keep them threaded together. What might also help is separating the work into 4 stanzas. For instance, "BIGGITY BAM" ends stanza 1, "The barter system
Of folding paper
For goods..." ends stanza 2, "10 minute intermission..." ends stanza 3 and then the grand finale which, by the way, I think wraps up the piece real fine. "A mind non tranquil," indeed.
So to summarize I like your style and insight, B, and I dig how you use your imagery. Just a little tightening here and there but you're rocking it! Nice job.
Of folding paper
For goods..." ends stanza 2, "10 minute intermission..." ends stanza 3 and then the grand finale which, by the way, I think wraps up the piece real fine. "A mind non tranquil," indeed.
So to summarize I like your style and insight, B, and I dig how you use your imagery. Just a little tightening here and there but you're rocking it! Nice job.
