deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lyrical suicide
The loud and hollow percussion
Reverberates
With the liquid splatter
Upon this parchment
The pen's brain matter
And skull fragments
No longer in place
A silence falls upon the
Lyrical suicide of a
Done with life pen
For reasons unknown
This steeped in pain writing utensil
Finds life, not worth living
With the drop of the hammer
His life force ceases
Reverberates
With the liquid splatter
Upon this parchment
The pen's brain matter
And skull fragments
No longer in place
A silence falls upon the
Lyrical suicide of a
Done with life pen
For reasons unknown
This steeped in pain writing utensil
Finds life, not worth living
With the drop of the hammer
His life force ceases
Published 26th May 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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The author encourages honest critique.
27th May 2013 5:27am
Nice imagery, B. It reads very well as is but my recommendation would be to consider dropping percussion to the second line. I think "The loud and hollow" makes for a stronger intro. Kind of like "The sound and fury" or "the agony and the ecstasy."
I'm 50/50 on this one but along the same lines maybe consider:
"This steeped in pain
Writing utensil"
Your words, bro, I think they stand out better on their own. All in all a very good job!
I'm 50/50 on this one but along the same lines maybe consider:
"This steeped in pain
Writing utensil"
Your words, bro, I think they stand out better on their own. All in all a very good job!
29th May 2013 00:49am
Thank you very much Tony. I have mad respect for your work, and definitely respect your opinion. Thank you.
