Diary of an Eating Disorder

My stomach grumbles
it should hurt
but I've trained my mind to enjoy it
the emptiness feels good
lunch bell rings
I'll buy a juice so no one wonders
why
I'm not eating
I'll talk about all the food I plan to eat when I get home
they're all fooled
thinking I'm still healthy
The walk home I get weak
The cabinet calls my name
Crackers, cereal, noodles, ice cream
I down it all
Now I feel like a greasy piece of shit
being full hurts
excuse myself to the restroom
run some water
turn on the fan
no one will here the gagging
and crying
massage the back of my throat
warm chunks come up my esophagus
I get to taste it all again
my stomach feels empty again
I feel skinny
The mirror tells me otherwise
get back on my knees
repeat the process until its impossible to keep going
leave the bathroom feeling strong
you all have to eat
ha.
I can have a cracker for the whole day
and feel perfectly fine
I'm skinny and I don't excersize
I can eat whatever I want
but don't think I have a problem
I just choose how much food I digest
you may think this is horrible
that I need help
but you don't understand
you just don't know