the big-man blues

 
they say it takes a big man to change  
to look honestly at himself  
and see the need  
 
well I’ve been looking  
wrote down all the ugly bits  
made a list  
kept it in my pocket three days  
 
crossed some things off  
put ‘em back again  
 
wrote more too
made another list off to the side;
who I’ve hurt
wrote down who must hate me
 
kept coming up with names
 
all of them true
 
 
 
 
only as great as my deeds
and the marks I leave on the world
 
well I leave a lot of marks
 
most of ‘em bruises
 
can’t keep playin’ it this way
can’t keep playing people this way
 
a man is made for love  
just like a dog is  
 
and the things I wrote
won’t make it
 
 
 
 
this morning
felt the true weight of that list
heavy in my hip-pocket
pulled the truck over
threw it away
 
the way it flew
it seemed glad to go  
 
got back in the truck
 
no victory
 
no change
 
nothing