Tracks

Long sleeves shirts, over sized sweaters and concealer made to cover scars are required whenever venturing into the outside world. Because without them, my secrets are exposed and surrounding eyes are free to pass judgment despite my best efforts to stay out of sight. They always find me, they sense my nervousness and they smell my anxiety, it’s as if they know there’s something I’m desperately hiding. They can see through the brightest of my smiles and they aren’t fooled by friendly small talk as we stand beside each other in line, I nervously wonder if it was the vein care lotion in my basket that gave me away. Every where I go I’m quietly sneaking around corners, walking down empty isles and doing my best to un-noticeably avoid them— the people who sleep when the sun goes down and don’t have to keep their arms out of sight. Even in the grocery store, (which I reluctantly traveled to in the first place but my popsicle cravings got the best of me) my silence isn’t enough to keep from being preyed upon. And this is how it’s always going to be, for the rest of my life I’ll be shamefully attempting to cover up the evidence of the decision I can never take back. These track marks will forever be here to remind me of the worst mistake I ever made, making sure I never forget the days I spent carving them into my skin, powerless against an avoidable addiction. An addiction I willfully indulged in, without considering these lasting consequences.

So until the day my heart gives out on me, whenever that may be, I can’t ever go shopping without wearing long sleeves and I’ll always wonder if my next lover will flinch when I uncover my skin.

I might as well have gotten, “I used to be a junkie.” or “I have no self-esteem.” tattooed across my forehead, I’m an outcast just the same. I wish I would have considered this back then, what my life would be life with my weaknesses made public for the world to see and what my quality of life would be. Forever stuck with these tracks without trains, everyday remembering and struggling to carry the weight.