Carpe diem

haha, im writing again... pointlessly! i never thought i could feel so free, pin cushions of insanity. i hate my life. its horrible being me. but that's just me. i'll justify my misery and blindside history. relevant-irrelevant makes no difference. simply because personal satisfaction is the main concern of the self. so what if there are people dying everyday? big deal. i am a misanthropist. i am a humanitarian?! so what if i've helped 1 or two? don't call me a hypocrite and i won't kill you. i would if i could. but the LAW tells me otherwise. i wish i had less things to do. i would be an anarchist then. and have a lot to do in that line of work. changing the face of a country is most definitely hard work. manual labor, actually. my country is a piece of shit. my country is the best one there is. the freedom we have is downright ridiculous. the corruption here is awe inspiring. the death rate is awful, rape rate is phenomenal and the birth rate even more so.

pseudo-jam. sell me a new number. auctions are for sale today. i thought i had quit. turns out i didn't. stoned again. pathetic. ideas flower abundant. fat guy outside the window. fuck off. i am confused at myself. i want to stay clean for a reason so stupid that it requires self justification. if that means anything. i know it doesn't im blabbering jargon laced with meaning. quite helpful to convey the message to like minded people. i am empty again. how is this possible? i was brimming with inspiration. over flowing with words and reasons and apparitions, and now, i am a brand new blackboard. clean fucking slate. this is what happens. this is the reason i want to get rid of this madness. yes! i want to remember again. this short term business doesn't cut it. now im certain i will not make it to gym tmrw. i was supposed to go in the evening, when i started writing this, but it seems time has gotten ahead of me, considerably. i am picking up pieces of my psyche, traveling from evening to night, lazily and sloppily until i make a fool of myself and initiate loathing mode. in this mode, one doesn't like anything. they hate being told what to do. they always curse for no reason. and are angry at a random number of things for a random number of random reasons. quite entertaining i must say for someone who gets the pseudo-joke. i am half way there!