What Scares Me The Most

It’s not the withdrawals that scare me the most, I mean, yeah they’re uncomfortable but they’re not unbearable. What scares me the most is what comes after the withdrawals, the life I’ll begin living once I’m able to leave my bed— I don’t like not knowing what kind of life that will be. I’ve been a drug addict since I was 13 years old and I don’t know who I am sober, I can’t remember the person I was before this. What if I don’t like the same things, watch the same movies, read the same books or listen to the same music? What if I don’t like punk rock or I’d rather read Nicolas Sparks than Wikipedia? What if I don’t like me? What if my friends don’t like me, what if they don’t recognize me? What if I can’t remember what’s important to me? That’s what scares me, not knowing who I am. I guess it’s like meeting an old friend, one you haven’t seen in nine years and getting to know them again. That’s exactly what getting sober is, getting to know someone from your childhood and I’ve always been socially awkward. I’ve never been good at first impressions. And while I’m getting reacquainted, I’m also in the middle of ending my very co-dependent relationship with the love of my life and do you have any idea how dramatic a lesbian break up can get?

I’m breaking up with the love of my life and even though she treats me like shit, I’ve always gone running back. She’s killing me, breaking me down and destroying my self-esteem. She’s alienating me from my friends and ruining my relationship with my family, she’s incredibly controlling. She’s the girlfriend I never wanted but somehow fell in love with. She was good to me in the beginning, things were great and every day was exciting.. until one day they weren’t. Meth is the abusive girlfriend I can’t break free from. No matter many times she lies to me or makes me cry, I come running back because at the end of the day it’s just a fact— I love her still. Getting sober means I may never see her again, feel that rush of butterflies I felt in the beginning. I don’t think I’ll ever feel that happy again and that fucking scares me too. It feels permanent and I don’t feel right saying goodbye to her yet.. but if I say, “See you later!” then I know I’ll come right back. Why break up at all if we’re only going to reconcile? You know what I mean? Why not just stay together and avoid all that painful heartbreak?

I’d rather spend time fighting with her than having to get to know someone I’ve completely forgotten, there’s no one in the world that could ever make me as happy as she can. Maybe it’s just meant to be, maybe she’s my soul mate and that old friend wasn’t worth meeting anyway. There has to be a reason we haven’t spoken in nine years, right? Maybe she’s a crazy bitch.

Sometimes meth loves me and the old me was left in the past for a reason. This is what scares me the most, what keeps things from changing. I don’t know how to be anything other than an addict, it’s what I’m good at. It’s life that I can’t seem to grasp.


(Sorry I've been gone for a while, I have been writing though and I promise to share very very soon! You know how junkie life goes..)