bending sideways

I am drained with what I do to myself.

I try very hard to make the ends meet beginnings,
So I do not fall between the gaps of a stagnant being,
I try very hard to keep my world from
Quakes and a faceless pain,
Pushing plates down until they have to crack.
I still lose control of myself
And I still lose control of the love I
Try very hard to place in your hands
For your keep,
It is sometimes such a struggle
Watching you look at it and frown at its
Sudden obscurity,
Like you sometimes cannot comprehend
All I give to you.

I still lose control of myself
With my sick paranoia and
The body of a sore, sore mind
That never has enough time to rest
Because of all the time I owe to the world
As it swallows me by the seconds.

I will wake up clenching my head and
Writhing down the sheets now
Drenched in sweat
And tell myself "it's just another day".

I bent forward and move around the slice of happiness
I have been chewing on for its succulence,
letting the taste gradually turn bitter before it slides down my throat into
Thick, black drops of disguise,
Like liquorice. So I bend
backwards and wonder why I suddenly feel
Top-heavy and unsure if
everything is alright.

There are days when I don't need to force myself to smile because things are
A perfect fit
And you will look at the love
I try very hard to place in your hands
Pulsating and growing for space bigger than
Its own capacity,
Like you've known it forever.
And then there are days when I will really
Really, really wish I was
Better.
For myself and better for
You,
And wished for a second
I remember what it was like to not care
When people walked in and out of my life.

Detachment is something I can easily do with death, like acceptance,
Like a friend I have known but never met for a long while,
Yet pick up from where we left off
At the next encounter.

I cannot detach from you,
For you are the familiarity of now,
And I cannot make you the familiarity of
Forever,
For you are more than a memory,
Part of the entire being of myself I possess,
For you, for the world, for my presence.

I am drained with all the things I do to myself.

The fragments of my mind
I never piece back together for fear of
Breaking again.