Submissions by mindless1

The line between what is and what I think is, is sometimes blurred.
The difference between being here and not being here, is also blurred.
I would prefer to curl up into a ball and be a blur, indefinable a nonety?
But sometimes what lies inside is not very nice.
I can’t choose, bu t I suppose I deserve to pay for my transgressions.
I’m so very tired. I have had enough.
I so wish to put my head down and sleep for eternity.
I’m losing the fight, I have no fight left.
I’m so selfish, but I really can’t anymore..i have no more to give

Panic grips my chest so tight,
I try to breath with all my might.
Body rigid, muscles taut,
All this fighting seems for naught.
My heart is racing fast as can be.
I want to run, I want to flee.
What is going on I need to know,
My demons rushing to & fro.
Thoughts confused & muddled too.
Scared & frightened, but of who?
I close my eyes & wish with all my resolve
That I would cease to be, perhaps dissolve?

My head is swirling with unresolved clutter.
Where do I start, which will be the least invasive? where will it end?
Do I have what it takes? Can I face these demons?
The fear I feel is disproportionate. Why is it that I can’t pretend?
Why have I hoarded all this trash? Surely I can’t own it all?
Pulling a shroud over, gives a false sense of security?
I can’t do this now, I’ll deal with it another day.
For now I want to disappear into obscurity…
I want to fall deep into a nothingness
No feeling, no hearing, no seeing, no tasting, no smelling
No pain, no...

I am a freight train heading for a blocked tunnel.
I am a bullet heading for the impact.
The nothingness is obscured by doubt.
The weight of self-recrimination crushing.
Cowardice foremost the option
Destiny imprinted in red..

I am too scared to come and see you.
I want to curl up into a ball, and forget, disappear, cease to exist - could you offer me this?

My mind is racing and raging, up - down - round & round….
One more nick & I will feel better, only I don’t. I don’t..? I don’t??
There is no hope for me.. even you know that…no...

Have you ever felt so sad, that the thought of going on makes your cheeks wet?
Have you ever felt so disheartened, that even the thought of getting up is too much?
Have you ever felt so depressed, that the thought of dying is a satisfying one?
Have you ever felt so low, that you want to blow your brains out?
Have you ever felt so down, that you can’t face yourself?
Have you ever felt so dejected, that Van Staaden’s River Bridge seem like the only option?
Have you ever felt so miserable, that the pain from the blade makes the feelings real?
Have you ever felt so...