drôle érotique

I want you to write a piece of erotica but it has to make me laugh out loud - the sillier the better

New writes only
Not to long
collabs welcome
just have fun

*Could a mod make this over 18*

Randy Girls

The girls in the village were randy
The boys were more interested in brandy
They'd get rolling drunk
Fell asleep on the bunk
Not wanting to be inside the girls panty

The girls planned to retaliate
Lack of good sex to abate
Advertised on the net
Free sex; come and get
Soon there queues at their gate

How to deal with this sexy mob?
Each eager to insert his knob;
The girls in a row
All ready to go
Urging them to do a good job

After each had a first ride
They  they moved to the one beside
Another good fuck
Such was their luck
They continued until all were tried

The village boys were perplexed
Said 'Can we fuck you the next?'
'Visitors are not drunken
Their cocks not shrunken
So back to the pub you Dicks.'

Screw You!

Am so excited
and my V. can't hide it
We're about to undress
As we deeply kiss

But the power goes out
And it's dark all around
No matter, let's just do it
Like a couple of blind

Lick me where you touch
Hump me between my thighs
Don't be gentle
You know I like it hard

Hold me still
Aim your steel
On the count of three
Ram it in...

Fuck you to kingdomcome!
Who said I like anal?
I'll cut you to pieces
Don't you dare run.

I feel like shit!
And it's literal

LOL - gardenlover and OxyMoronicMe - excellent entries :-)

Defiled

One porter, two stouts, three Irish car bombs
Oh the fun times with friends to be had
But what else can twenty something year olds do
But pick up chicks at a really friendly bar

By the end of the night, all four had hooked up
And he caught the prettiest one of them all
A curvaceous brunette, ready from the onset
Because they were loaded until the last call

They walked across the street to a seedy motel
And she paid for the room to stay the night
Once inside, with all abandon they kissed
When she said “I’ll soak the sheets if you do me right”

Her body was awesome, graceful and supple
With curves that seemed too dangerous to drive
He ate he out until she fully doused him
In her little death she must have felt so alive

“My turn” she said going down on his head
When suddenly there was a pause in this adventure
She bumped her chin at the foot of the bed
Then she proceeded to remove her dentures

Wait a minute, decision time, he thought
Was it the porter, the stouts, or the car bombs?
How old is this broad because she looks really good?
When she took him in deep with quiet and calm

This is so wrong, he thought or wanted to say
But the experience was something totally new
It’s soft and smooth with only tongue and gums!
But he didn’t want to look anymore at that view

But she had sucked so good he was ready to go
Putting her dentures back on and then smiled
“Come on sonny, you gotta fuck this pussy right”
Yet somehow he felt he was the one being defiled…

By morning, when the alcohol had all worn off
She was naked asleep when he sneaked off to his car
She still looked good yet it still messed with his head
But he never forgot his first time at a cougar bar

A session in the park

heavy breathing as they kissed
long and hard devouring their passion
smashing of lips and meeting of tongues
hands groping boobs and bums

she was starved a whole year
last lover ran after he was dried
by her demands, bathroom and kitchen floor
he tried his best to satisfy her desires

but failed...

no lover for a year was too much
nipples taut everyday wanting  
a lover to touch and caress
her panties perpetually wet

an internet chat friend he was
came along with hope in his chest
falling for the voluptuous woman
in the blink of an eye

first date, he was lucky
she wriggled for him
so obviously
he creamed his pants

in the car they make out
under some trees engulfed in darkness
fogged out windows as they fore-played
clothes puddled at their feet

she was overjoyed at his hardness
she rolled up and went on top
o yes, he was hard and she was wet
'baby you are marvellous' she purred

he stared at her as she closed her eyes
in ecstasy, feeling her orgasm thunder
and burst, again and again she shuddered
he kept on looking his rod wilting

'honey, you are humping the gear stick'
he said softly.

Thank you wallyroo92, Grace and AtoMikbomb for another three excellent entries

See below

Entry withdrawn

Barnyard Memories  

Having been raised one of nine children on a 40 acre farm in the far reaches of the Appalachain Mountains of West Virginia, I still have vivid memories of childhood adventures and adolescent escapades. Some memories are fond, others not so much, such as the time my younger sister, wishing to go into town to celebrate her 16th birthday, begged me to approach daddy in regards to borrowing the family pick-up for the night.

Reluctantly, I went to the barn where he was putting up hay, and did my sister's bidding, knowing full well what his reply would most likely entail. Sure enough, his response was as expected, ever since he caught me a few years earlier up in the hayloft with my boyfriend, experimenting.
"Well, lil' darling" he whispered, while bent over my ear, "you know the drill". As I went to my knees, I could see the large lump in his overalls. The familiar excitement which always accompanied these encounters, again began warming the region between my thighs as I reached out and rubbed his bulge, feeling it grow and harden under my touch. I knew what to expect, for this was not the first time this scenario had played itself out.
Reaching into the opening he had already unbuttoned, I took his member into my hand, gathered a deep breath, so as to hold the welcomed guest as long as possible and plunged his manhood deep into my throat, while at the same time thrusting my other hand down my pants and into my dripping slit. I could feel the head of his pulsating shaft battering the back of my throat, making small inroads with each thrust of his hips, penning my head to the post I had chosen to balance myself against as I knelt before him. Again and again the head of his cock slammed deeper into my throat, his pubic hair smashed to my nose as his balls slapped against my chin until I released my grip on his ass cheeks and pulled my mouth from his shaft, so as to gain my breath and prepare for another assault.
As I gulped in air, I was horrified by the taste overpowering my senses, and jerking my head from his grasp, I declared loudly,
"Daddy, you dick tastes like shit!'
As I looked up at him with a questioning expression, I could see the wheels turning, his mind lost in thought, and upon realizing the reason for this, he  apologetically replied, "Sorry lil' darling, I plumb forgot, I promised your brother the truck tonight".    


***Plagiarized from an old joke, but changed to first person in telling it.
Not original and not intended to be voted for. Just remembered it was resting back in the darkness of my mind and thought I'd dust it off and bring it out here for your enjoyment.***

I may be back with something more fitting for submission, if time allows.
Thanks David, for the opportunity to clear some space in my overcrowded mind.

Anonymous said:<< post removed >>


ok you've now lost me