HUMOR IN POETRY

This poetry contest was inspired by Anna Grin
Her poetry style is such that for me....she always makes me
laugh whether she wants to or not....
There are many FORMS of humorous poetry.....satire, sarcasm, alice-in-wonderland fantasy........below are a few references.
http://www.famousliteraryworks.com/funny-poetry-index.htm

They can also be sexy but humorous, or wickedly funny.....

RULES:
1. you may submit up to 3 poems, old or new
2. the poems may be of any genre or kind
3. the poem may be a maximum of 1000 words...but I prefer 300
4. you may not make fun of ANY DUP member, or race, creed, colour religion
5. ideas can come from anywhere...comics on TV...SNL...do not plagiarize....just write from what tickles your funny bone
6. more rules will be added as I find out what I forgot to mention.

Stay brilliant


Madness and rambles, this that and thought.

My loud busy mind, my twisted ass thoughts.

What goes on, in that big mind of yours?

This that, and riff raff, see the hawks soar.

Nonsense of nonsense,  and gibberish galore.

I love my wife and kids, but not much more.

Counting cracks on sidewalks, skippin the chalk,

O.C.D. tendencies,  and water proof caulk.


Slow your thoughts, and unjumble your words,

This that, and madness, and rambles I've heard.

The hustle and bustle, of maddening thoughts,

Mixed up and jumbled, and military cots.
"
What's bothering you Jason? You look lost in thought."

Uniform non-jumbled, straight thought's that I want


As I get older, the fun that I have,

To un-thought these thoughts, is driving me mad.

Question my sanity, in A.D.D. mind,

Thinking I'm crazy, most of the time.

As I make sense, of the thoughts that I think.,

I see ice skating polar bears,  on ice skating rinks.


But deep through it all, a face doth appear,

My Wife and my soul mate, my thoughts become clear.

Get to the root Jason , of what makes you tick.

The slick swarming thoughts, making me sick.

Get to the root, of all that is wrong,

Thinking clear thoughts, my mind sings that song.

"And all the roads, we have to walk."

And all is made right, that which was wrong.


A mad man's nonsensical,  becomes less obscure.

For an A.D.H.D ailment, my Queen is my cure.

When I'm around her, I understand,

That it's not my fault,  but on the other hand.

When she is gone, thoughts start rat race,

Jumbled thoughts rambled, this at my pace.

My Wife is my sanity, without I'm insane.

Riff raff and this cat. What was my name?!

~Gas Leak~

As you start
to fart
on my face
I say grace
then dine
on your fine
scent
as you're bent
before me
I see
it seems
you've been
eating beans
let those
body gases flow
you know
how I like it
your wind
makes my
hair sway
it takes my
breath away..

IntricateB and Miss Angelic - thank you for starting the competition.
Kitty

DONUT MAKE HIS BROWN EYE STICKY

" Oh for goodness sake. Can't a fat chick catch a break?
Why did I end up in this jail? " I wailed. " I never thought
he'd cry, RAPE!!

It was just some innocent fun on the floor
among the donuts and cinna-buns.

   I spackled him in vanilla frosting.
   I rolled him in the dough.

For Pete's sake, the dude was happily slurping on
   my right big toe!!
He loved it! He bit it! He rubbed his wienie on it too (WOO-HOO!!)"

The jailer sighed and looked surprised and slapped his belly fat.

" What's up with the blue and purple sprinkles on the
dude's nutsack?"

"I like to decorate," I retorted, matter of fact.

" Well, you could have used more tact, " the Barney Fife said with a frown and lip smack,
"when you shoved that French crueller up donut boy's crack. Now this gives new meaning
to the term 'sticky buns', doesn't it, hon?"

He grinned and winked, closing the jail door with a very loud
CLINK.

love rule number 4!!!!!

*************************************



Touch it

I know that you are looking        
and that you want to touch it        
       
It's slightly cooled        
since departing from the heat        
       
Smooth and silky        
       
glistening with moisture        
as droplets trickle down and fall        
       
I know that you are looking        
and that you want to touch it        
       
It's soft and its wet        
just give it a rub        
       
Now, I know just what your thinking of        
and where your head is at        
but baby...It's not that        
Your wrong, don't take that bet        
       
Since I've piqued* your interest        
I guess I'll have to share        
It's not what you were thinking of                  
       
Hey dude, it just      
       
       
MY WET HAIR

GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD, I'M OFF TO DIE AT STARBUCKS

Goodbye cruel world I am off to die at Starbucks!
I am sure that no one gives a big fat fuck
that I am down on my luck.
So the only way to depart this life
is to drown in French roast or java-lite.

FUCK YOU FOLGERS!!!! MAXWELL HOUSE, YOU TOO!!
I am going to succumb in the strongest brew. WOO-HOO!

To Starbucks I will submit, my body to beans in every orifice.

Cup after cup, I will partake
without relief, no bathroom break.

As I start to suffocate, my intestines will percolate.
Soon, I will be bloated and quite cramped, and
caffeinated gas will shoot out my ass. (yum)

I'll get so sick my eyes will bulge,
my veins, arteries, and organs will begin to clog.
Finally, in my tweaking death throes,
my chubby butt will grind, convulse.
Eventually, I lose my pulse.

And in the end, out my hoohah and rear end,
will seep a new hearty, earthy blend.
Not Hazelnut, Vanilla, or Irish Cream,
but, "Instant Death by Coffee Bean."

Ya'll pour yerselves a cup!

CHIRP!!

Ooo, my pantie crickets are cheeping and I need to take a pee.
Why are the little critters talking now?
What do they want with me?
   Come here, wittle feller.
   Give a lady a hand.
   You're awfully cute and sort of hairy.
You're my kind of man!
   Come here, cutie pie!
   Help this chickie out.
My panties are chirping!!!!!!
Let the little buggies out!
   Come here! Want to come and see?
That's it, pull those undies
down to the ground!
   Why are you frowning at me?
Oh, I know why!
Oooo, look!
Out popped 2 or 3!
And landed on your knee!
Watch it, lover-boy! Don't put your head so close.
Those bad boys can get real wild and weird
and may start a circus in your beard.

Hogwash


Like the lap dog in time,
I peed on myself in excitement.
Thinking these thoughts
Of rendering my accomplishments.
I think in present and future tense
Of things I want to do.
My mindless mind, of scrambled sanity
Is mine alone to lose.
You may not comprehend these things
I say in mindlessness that brings
My sanity in full blown terms
Of mindless rambles you've incurred.
It's what I have, not what you want.
It's what you get, and mine to flaunt.
The invisible line 'tween genius and insanity,
Is what brings on this present calamity.


Intricate B

Great poems.....

The city of ankh she stank she stank from alchemy street to Pseudopolis Square
For all of man shes a city of damned, and bloody great despair
But how can a place that travels through space on the back of a turtles shell
Be so unhappy to many a chappy who surely got drunk while there.
Even death himself took a drunkards dip in the solid river of ankh
even if he lay there without a care for 7 more days and nights
The solid shit and other debris would not of seen death sank

One person of note by way of a vote is the city Patrition extraordinaire
Or the wizards of UU with their university half not there
But be careful in the old city of ankh
For there's plenty of room for a shank
But if you pay your bill you can eat your fill and walk home sans even a torch
and any who rob you at this point in time will find themselves hung from a porch

,,,

OMG.....this is getting better and better with each poem...........

Hold Me Closer


right now in my head
there is a tiny person
restrained in a straight jacket..
screaming hoarse
raging bouncing off padded walls
grinning manically
long black hair
dripping sweat

I don't know who
this little distressed person is
wonder what caused the snap

The cheshire cat's nose could be seen from the moon tonight
come to mention it the man on the moon looks PISSED OFF

Thank you Carpe....