Broken smiles

Outside The Light   2009


You tore out the air
which supplied my heart
then you left me there
to slowly fall apart  
saturday lies
even week nights
you'd look in my eyes
outside the light

Remembering , wandering
the back streets of our years
my everything , squandering
a reduction to tears .

You turned to cast
like a hollow thing
I burned to ash
in a molten ring
the kids did ask
for you to bring
yourself back home
to hope we'd cling .

Off the wall
so desperately
I did so fall
descent , gravity
down I went painfully
to cracked cement , a cavity
you walked , hell bent  
away from me
how could you dent
our family
these babies were sent  
from the heavens to me
how could you have spent
what comes for free .

Blurred For Eternity    (2012)

My body stings
I make no sound
your odd things
sit all around
remembering
the low down clouds
I'm snapped , un-hinged
a wounded hound .

An internal burning
smoulders away
returning blood fills
a heavy hurt brain
slow turning seconds
tick precise pain
immotive in blackness
I croak what I should say .

Thick is the air
that I struggle in
I stick to the chair
melting into bits
my head is aware
that ignorance is bliss
I stare at the glare
of after images .

The resonations
of your last vibrations
re-play incessant
I frequent olden wavelengths .

There's nothing to see  
no birds
no trees  
so what now ?

I'll wander in me
blurred for eternity .

Unborn Nostalgia        


I need you to reinvent
my unborn nostalgia
to strike a dent
in my butterfly neuralgia
a song for when I die
a lament
for us
forever after
to redefine
my scarred memory eye
and sit with me and cry
through to laughter
I greed you too much
I need you badly
for your present state I cannot touch
the arms I would welcome gladly
Instead I act so butch
but apart I fall so sadly
different keys now unlock your doors
but all I ask is open up to me.

A letter from the Mountains

Dear John
The ice is thick the snow is deep
The sky is blue but unmerciful still
Its heated cauldron is so up high
Since we landed on this white wasteland
The jagged peaks around us loom
Like dragon’s teeth planted on the ground
My heart is breaking as I say this
Our son, yours and mine
He breathed his last today
He was broken deep inside
In both his body and his spirit

I weep, no, I wail, I grief
For him our only son
Born of my womb
Consecrated with your love
Our first born
Our beloved
Would that I died in his stead
Would that I know where heaven is
I would trade myself for him
So you will see your son once more
So you can embrace him
My beloved husband

My Love
It has been a week since the tragedy
I see no signs of rescuers
No humming of helicopters
There are little sounds here
Except for the screaming winds
Gushing through the plane’s broken wings
Almost all have perished
For food is gone and morale is low
Along with the others,  
Our daughter is fading away
Just six, she is so sick

My beloved John, My husband
I am one of two that’s still alive
I am fading fast, I feel so light
Our daughter’s in my arms
Dead those four days
I leave to see our son now
There is light around us
Roars of clapping thunder
Rotating lights and flashing lightning
Waves of screaming voices
I can’t see them but they are near
Are they angels of death then…

Broken love

If i'm a bullet you're a cannon
And you made me your target
No matter how much I run like a rabbit you pull me back like a magnet

Your eyes are like the darkness
All you know is violence
I'm just your Poppet
and you shoot at me like a rocket

My feelings to you are like a ghost
Can't see them even when they're close
That's why I keep my words on hold
I told you one day it will be your turn to burn
Now you see me with a girl it hurts like a burn

I made you a giant in my world
Even when you were not kind  
I tried everything even said you were mine
I couldn't keep a secret like a child

At first you were like a nun
Nice and sweet
Beside you I felt like a gun
Was on Safety but ready for fun
I knew something was wrong when I saw your thong
You were like a cannon or a bomb
And my mind wasn't strong

Every night I prayed for a sign
Every morning I woke up beside a bottle of wine
Thought mybe pills would stop the time
But my mind said don't even try it

What's my life worth to you
And why do you make me think about death
Why are your feelings to me so raw
And why do you always want to start war
Can you stop treating my heart like a toy
And stop Making my pain your joy

Battles Of Evermore


When I was just a wee young thing,I was taught life's lesson well    
Ere instead of childhood revelry, mine would be a children's hell    
   
In this life of mine I've learned, you choose to live or choose to die    
That for some are chosen happiness, and for the rest to reason why    
   
I could weep and moan at life so cruel or lament in deep despair    
Would it help me if I wring my hands while pulling out my hair?    
   
Would it put me in a better place if I took it lying down?    
Nay, I think I would be just as dead if in self pity I did drown    
   
So I did, I think, the only thing my childish mind could do    
With the power of imagination  and a fantasy or two    
   
I would don a suit of honor, I would guard o'er children's door    
And like any worthwhile soldier,  I would battle evermore    
   
While most children softly slumber dreaming dreams that hold no fright    
As the children's chosen warrior  who had taken up their plight    
   
I did lay awake and listen in the darkness through the door      
For the sneaking sound his bare feet made, down hall on linoleum floor    
   
As I pray to a god who was not there, to help my battle plans go right    
Twas I alone in the dark with my Ball and Jax, who would be waging war this night    
   
With my hands I stifled giggles, my mind envisioning in the black    
Of the pain, glorious pain, to befall his feet as he stumbled on my Jax    
   
I laughed as I lay there pondering, if the makers of this children's game    
had ever dreamed that their tiny Ball and Jax would one night save four girls from shame    
   
HUSH! I hear him coming!  I have caught him unaware    
when his feet crossed o'er the battle lines. I swear his scream would curl your hair    
   
I laughed till I cried as he hopped while he tried    
to get away from my midnight attack    
Under the unscrewed hall light, he stood cursing the child      
who had left out her Jax in the night    
   
The beating was worth all the joy and the mirth    
that his dance down the hall gave that night    
   
After winning round one I vowed I would fight on    
Evermore as a soldier FIGHT ON.    
   
   
I'd decided as a very young child of abuse, that I would never go down without a fight.    
I spent my entire childhood and teenage years in a silent battle with my father.    
   
A battle never spoken of, but a battle none the less

Pillow Talk
Do you know what it smells like to die?  It smells like me

If only pillows talked-what stories they could tell
My pillow witnessed many a thing- in this life that I call hell


My pillow is a fluffy thing
without it-I can hardly sleep

I snuggle up-my sweet dreams near
Mind of it's own it has- I fear

My pillows such a harmless thing
Moves of it's own accord- it seems

And then-my pillow talks to me
It holds me down- I'm struggling

My hot wet breath fills up my nose
It smells like me when I explode

Fireworks go off in my eyes
then fade to black as- eye sight dies

With burning lungs- I pummel death
legs kicking hard- cloth steals my breath

And with it takes my worst and best
So ends my Ballet dance with death

Oh I know how it smells to die
It smells like me- I say goodbye

Then as my pillow gathers strength
I hear it's laughing voice I think

My movements stop-deaths not so bad
Till pillow laughing-sounds like DAD

LAST THOUGHT    LAST THOUGHT          LIFE UNFAIR


DADS DONE     RESTS IN EASY CHAIR

badge of honor
I wear my scars like a badge of honor.    
I'm proud of them for making me a strong person.    
The perma split in my lip forever reminding me    
I didn't take it lying down    
I didn't just say stick it in.    
I said go ahead and stick it in    
I'll bite that mother fucker right off.    
and I tried    
Mother fucker.    
 
 
I wear my scars with my head held high.    
you broke my nose without a backward glance    
expecting me to cower in fear    
a fear I would never willingly show you.    
I licked the blood streaming down my face    
and laughed, looking you straight in the eyes    
yeah fuck you too daddy    
figuratively speaking    
 
I saw my cheek opened to the bone    
forgive the fuck outa me for going to the fair    
I guess you taught me not to disobey    
I just laughed and stuck my finger on the bone    
and twisted    
stupid mother fucker    
you taught me how to be fearless  
while black holed mother thought me insane    
 
I wear your claw marks on my face    
proudly    
with pomp and ceremony    
marching down the halls of my youth    
remembering that I got you back    
I took flesh from your face with my nails    
I'm a bitch and I pay back    
 
I hold my head high, look the world in the eye    
and say I am as good as you are    
I may be scarred, but my scars hold a place of honor    
on my body and face    
They say to the world that I didn't just take it lying down    
I gave it back. Fuck I DID!!    
 
You bashed me and bashed me for my defiance    
begging me to stop making you hit me    
telling me it didn't have to be this way    
if I would just BOW to your power    
BOW WOW mother fucker    
that all you got?    
 
I would rather be beat to death than to surrender    
I pitted my mind against yours    
and I payed heavily, yet so did you    
 
I was a soldier in my own war    
and I wear my scars like a badge of honor    
Stupid mother fucker    
You never did know me at all  

Sometimes you have to be a little insane to survive.

Hey, thanx man

The day my heart shattered

it was Dad's 47th birthday
i hadn't cut in 56 days
an average thursday

mom picked me up from school that day
i talked about a new piece we got in band
mom was smiling ,
mom doesn't smile much
and this one didn't even look like it belong to her
we pull up to the house
i start to get out but she tells me to wait
she places her hand over mine
pain in her eyes
she tells me you're gone

i hadn't seen you since may
you were going to come back for christmas
you were thousands of miles away
last time you called i didn't answer

now i'll never hear your voice again
never hear your laugh
i'll never feel your hugs again

i remember all the silly faces
and the crazy stories
oh what you'd do just to make us laugh

now you're gone
no more hugs
no more stories
no more calls
no more silly faces

i still think about you every now and then
tears stream down my face
i have to hold on
i have to stay strong
praying for peace
remembering what pain you were in
knowing that you've gone home now


i love and miss you every day
~ Love your little tinkerbell
 
 
Rest in Peace Yvonne Marie Deel-Papagni (Aunt Vonnie)
Beloved Sister,daughter,Aunt and Wife <3
12/30/1956-11/1/2012

Quilting Obsession

These lost years of loneliness and social depravity
Have left me with nothing except this written tragedy
I sat and watched as the walls of my life crumbled away
Into this contorted sensation twisting through dismay
These ceaseless remembrance sessions screaming inside
A dead fixed stare on old friends taking cyanide

These bonds have come together in such a swift motion
And, just as fast they`ve came to their abrupt destruction
Dispersing any tint of mutual belonging from view
Molding a sad landscape of sighs and failing virtue
Watching as the remnants of my relationships loiter
The catacombs of these stockpiled confession letters

If only I could say anything my empathy had to tell me
My skeletal pose might have perched upright in a higher degree
And I would of have grown to a more formidable size
A clear cut aspiration that I never came to realize
Until all that I held grew too big for me to carry
and left me to stumble and sleep at the cemetery

Scratching dead love songs on century old gravestones
Where the forgotten have slept for generations alone
Hoping the crude penmanship might grace a weary heart
Or help a looming ghost feel a taste of love and depart
From the fog filled graveyard parade that it dwells
A final ringing from the synapses of the grief bells

Sparking the ruin of a memory that doesn't seem real
A fading echo of a brotherhood I wish I could still feel
Detached from a reality that lurks in a decrepit imagery
Reshaping my empty cognition through a fake neuro surgery
I've reached the point where I have no reason to find
A replacement for all these buried pictures astray in my mind

I Was Once Not Me- (but then I came alive)



The spiritual space that I occupy at present
was achieved through persistence
and a life filled with lessons

Uphill battles, solitude, and madness
Downward spirals and remorse fueled with sadness

Nights spent bewildered and begging for death
Mornings spent crying at my still having breath

Questioning God and hating myself
choking on deception and the lies I'd been fed

Constantly pondering the apathy in humans
Never understanding how they laughed and why I couldn't

I studied human nature, religions, and people's theories
On the outside, looking in-
Desperately seeking a road to free me

They say we hit rock bottom before we can bounce back
I fell beyond the lowest point and wakened to the smack-
it felt more like a pounding, lashing, beating- seared my core

But after that rough landing there was a rebirth in my whole
I realized all that I had missed and what had killed my soul

I knew life had been unfair-
but still, it was a gift
I reflected on the newfound truths and felt my spirit lift

I let go of the haters, and pitied them instead
kicked out the freeloaders, living rent-free in my head

I vowed to settle for nothing, demanding all respect
to love who I am-and the time that I have left

I threw out the past, retaining only what I'd learned
I booted out the ghosts -
conjured angels up instead

Some days I get the blues,
and occasional self pity
But nothing like the hopeless states
That used to catch and grip me

I've overcome, let go, moved on
I love myself,
and yesterday is gone

Learning to Love


The church bells are ringing,
the birds are singing
to everyone's delight;
their duets are in perfect harmony
to the cheers of the newly-weds.

Across the aisle you could see
a lonely heart silently weeping
after he lost his beloved -
a day he will never forget,
across the pages of his mind.

Now that she's gone away
no more worries, no more fear;
not a shadow of her smile
never again pass him by,
not for the longest time.

Karma is his constant companion,
killing him softly every morn;
kaleidoscopic images of her
keep coming back in his dreams,
keg of beer washes his sorrows.

After drowning his pain,
and after swallowing the bitter pill;
again he wakes up every morn
alone, tired of living and forsaken--
at least, he has learned to love
better than not having
to have loved at all...

And so it was....

The light was black the dark was blue
your hands felt harsh your face was smooth
And I could nearly taste our doom
Deep in my lungs, as I said bye to you

You voice was gentle, oh I was cross
Had to find a way out at any cost
Maybe I exited a little too soon
I shed two tears as I said Bye to you

And I was shaking cause I didn't know
If you would let me go
I was taken aback by the comfort
of your shoulder

As I said bye to you
I said it in a whisper
Wish you didn't hear the words
Alas you did now I have learned how to miss you

I had it all but now we're through
It was a novice thing to do
I'll remain lost, as you refuse
To make time for me, since I said bye to you