Make me cry

I am forgotten
Left alone, nobody cares.
Like the mud on the bottom of a shoe.
Or a penny dropped on the ground.
Or a scrap of paper, carried away by the wind.
Or a tin can after its used.
Im so lonely, so different.
Like the one broken, light pole
Amongst ones who stand straight and bright.
Im forgotten
Like this poem seconds after you read it.
Like the trash you throw away,
Because i was literally thrown out.
Im like a porceline doll, up on a high shelf
Where nobody can play with, i stay forever
Because eventually im forgotten.
Expected to be there
Like ice in a freezer,
Taken for granted.
But i wonder,
If anyone would remember my smiles
If i just simply died.

i see it
in the corner of my eye
it stands there
watching me
telling me  
its there

i quiver in fear
reaching out for the stars
but none can be in my grasp
i wait for night to fall
to hold me tight
for its evil grin
to remind me who i am

but that thing
just stands there
it looks at me
just staring
i cant stand it
i cant take it

i want
i want to kill
the blood inside me boils
wanting to escape
burning through my flesh
wanting to come out

one step closer
getting closer
one step
two step
i keep a knife in my hand
i stick it out in front of me

i start stabbing in the corner
i start screaming
start shouting
DIE BUNNY, DIE!!
GO TO HELL!!

i swear im going crazy
but i keep stabbing
just want to kill it
i just want it to leave me alone
to abodon me
like every one else
i dont know how to deal
with it

it doesnt leave my side
it comforts me when im sad
i cant handle it
i just want it to go
be like everyone else bunny!
JUST GO!!

DIE ALREADY
leave me alone
walk away
leave me in your dust
just like the others
tell me your sorry
with a sad mask
when you really arent sad
fake your emotions
fake your sorrow
be like every adult in my life

kids are alone
not hiding how they feel
distguiseting the adults
who have to keep a big grin
or cry when nessisary
wearing a mask
that shows only lies

be like adults bunny
i know how to deal with that

i know how to deal
with someone who doesnt care
that throws the things they dont need
away
who hurt others to get ahead

i know how to deal
with those who hurt
every one
and everthing aroung them
who bully and critize
who speak their thoughts out loud

bunny
i cant deal with those who care
who love
and are caring
theyll only get used
and abused
by others
i cant deal with them bunny

because i am sorrounded
by those who wish me harm
by the evil adults
who just play their parts
i can not wish for someone
who is kind
for someone who cares

its not aloud
for someone like me

thats why i cant stand you bunny
so kind
and fluffy
so i have one wish
even if i am asking to much
i just want one thing

DIE BUNNY, DIE!!

Well. You see Doc..


Daddy said it was ok..
For you to lay..

Behind me..
Then start grinding..

My two foot frame..

Hurts just a little...
And today I am mental...


So they say..



Mommy was on go fast...
Makin her an outlast..
And blind....

To her baby being raped...


"Why are you crying..
How ugly is your whining" ...

Hushed ..
By a horrid embrace...


The taste of his fingers..
Penetrates and lingers..
The air that I breathe..
Gives way...


Duck duck goose and back packs...
Stimulate the flashbacks...

I wonder
where daddy is..


Today...

Under this knife

Yeah.. crossed my mind, yet again.
Trendy little fucker, groping my best friend
You ain;t got a clue how lucky you are
I'd snap your neck, within two breaths
I'd rip you apart, liimb from limb

Trendy little fucker, skating by
Your ice is running thinner
Your life, the victim of this knife
Under this knife, feel the pierce enter you
One time, two time three time four.

I won't fucking stop
I'll gut you like you gut your pigs.
Trendy little fucker groping my best friend
You'll get yours, I slit your fucking throat
Think you got me figured out, think you're safe?

Trendy little fucker you ain't got a chance
Seeing you in the schoolyard, every day
You're fucking caught out in the wind
And there's no way out.
Trendy little fucker..

I'll see what's going on in that microscopic head.
I'll fucking cut you up, carve into you.
Trendy little fucker..
I've got you figured out
Under this knife, I'll cut you fucking up.

Eighteen..

Massacred blood on a orange horizon
Roadkill shows like cherubs in my floodlights
Another highway, another state Cigarette burns me
I wake with a start '18 wheels are rolling, rolling over my heart'
Smokeys in my rear view mirror
Nowhere to go except forward Kessler warmed abdomen

Oh.. feeling so numb.. straight to my core, into my bone marrow
Stillness has swept over me.. 18 wheels are rolling..
over my heart CAT steel toe heavy on the pedal
Tire iron in my hand Blood clotted scarred emotion Hand axe redecoration
Regurgitated cattle cranium Asleep in bile, nutured by mother
Face down while babies lay still,
Never make a sound demolished rig

The 18 wheeler charges at me, my shitty little holden
I swerve in panic, but i'm drunk as fuck.
God damn, connection, head on, the 18 wheeler hurdles over me
Fucking crushed.. my alcohol is shattered
The first wheels surrond me, and crush me into oblivion
Fuck.. why so slow? it fucking hurts..

My bottles of Jack Daniels and Southern Comfort.. thrown around
Feeling oh so numb.. blood I feel surging up through me
Flattened.. shattered.. the 18 wheels have rolled over my heart
Lacerations cover me.. wounds spluttering their wept blood
Stained to the core, in blood and loose oils
I cannot breathe, I see only blackness, staring into the abyss

This death, of monster size of mankind creations.. 18 wheels..
18 wheels.. 18 wheels.. I count as they singly crush me.
I fade away.. into the darkness of the abyss..
My life struggles surge over me, for only a moment, but all at once
And now.. I lay here.. I fucking cease to be...
I'm covered to my core, stained in loose oils, alcohol and blood

Rest in peace.. Uncle Daniel..

A world, Where someone will talk To me
Where someone will Actually care about me
Where I am not hated, At every turn
Clouds everyday. Watching the sky
Sun always covered, So I can just stare up
A blanket of fear That wraps around me
Holding me tight, Never leaving my side
A dark shadow, That follows me everywhere
Love that doesn’t hurt, Hate only on others
Pain that’s never mine, Agony that’s not always shoved down my throat
Joy that is only mine, Happiness felt by no one else
I rule And people listen to me
A place where I am not ignored
Isn’t that just great
A place where, I don’t have to cry Everyday
Because another person Told me something mean
Where no bullies exist Because they bring me sorrow
Where my tears Don’t have to fall To make someone happy
A place that can love me, Where I can be myself
Where I can believe in others, Not always hiding Behind my lies
A place Where my nights Don’t have to be filled with screams
Where I have no bruises, Scars, scrapes, or burns
Where I can try. Where I don’t constantly
Wish to die. If only this world Were true
To save me From my loneliness
Where my nights Don’t have to be so dark
Where my mind Doesn’t have to be so twisted
Where I don’t have to watch Everyone I love Die in front of me
While I am helpless To do anything And cant even speak
Even though I see it coming, I see it speeding
Coming straight forward, About to hit, And make an impact
A paradise Compared to the hell I currently live in
Where I don’t have to shout To even be heard
This is a place
Where everyone loves me, Where there is no hate
Where no one dies, Where everyone lives
Where everyone is kind, Where no one abuses me
Where I am not a supporting character to my own life
Where I can be free from all my pain and agony
this is a place
where i am alone
yet sorrunded
by people
that dont resent me
it truly is
an odd and twisted world

but its my world

can i write an insult poem directed at you? pretty sure you would cry

Because of Me

The guilt and regret won't leave my mind as I enter this church for you
All our memories keep swirling through my brain as I sit here on this wooden pew.
I can't bring myself to talk about you; when asked I say I have just one sister
For the pain I feel when I think of you burns within me like a thousand boiling blisters.
I wish I could still say I had two sisters, that I wasn't always the family's "baby"
If only I had been braver and stronger back then, maybe, just maybe,
You, baby sister, would still be here, and I never would've had to say goodbye
But instead I'm at your funeral, and I know it's my fault you're here...I'm the one who let you die.
As your small casket passes by, I can't stop the quivering sobs, or the stream of tears
And my mind forces me again and again to relive that day, like a never ending nightmare.
You were five at the time, and I had just turned eight
We'd been through many foster homes, some halfway decent, others not so great.
But this house was worse than the others; the people were crueler, the beatings more severe
I should've done something in the beginning, maybe begged our workers to take us far away from here.
Yet I did nothing, but instead tried to prepare you for the agonizing days to come
I told you to expect more empty stomachs, and beatings that would leave us numb.
For though I knew this house was worse, I thought we'd survive the same way
We'd listen to the yelling, endure the pain, and hope that tomorrow would be a better day.
Until the day came where our foster father decided to prove me oh so wrong
The day he beat you just a little too much, for just a little too long.
You had tried to take some food from the pantry, for the stomach pains were finally too much to bear
But you were caught by him, and he didn't listen to your pleading or begging, for he simply didn't care.
I thought it was just another beating, and so I stood waiting in the shadows in the hall
I didn't want to make it worse, or get beat myself, so I watched even as he threw you against the wall.
Over and over he beat you with with his fists, and with his belt
And still I waited, praying he'd stop soon, so I could attend to your bruises and your welts.
But he was not himself, but high off of one of the many drugs he had in his secret room
And as the minutes dragged by, I began to feel overwhelmed by a sense of doom.
When his hand reached for the wooden bat his son used for baseball, my heart stopped
I screamed at him, but still watched helplessly as the bat quickly dropped.
I can still hear it in my ears, the crack of the bat as it smashed against your head
I can still see it with my eyes, the sight of your blood splattering against the wall, painting it dark red.
As others saw what had happened and dragged him away, I ran to you, but no matter how hard I tried
I couldn't wake you up, and finally had to admit, that my little sister had just died.
And so here I am, weeks later, staring at your lifeless body, wishing that I could once again see those beautiful blue eyes
Unable to block out all the sorrow and pain, while wondering over and over why.
Why did I do nothing to save you, why did I give in to my fear
This regret is something I know I'll have to live with for the many upcoming years.
With tear filled eyes and a broken heart, I tell you I'm sorry, give you one last kiss, and slowly walk away
Praying that perhaps I'll be forgiven, so that I may see you again in Heaven one day.

The Beggar of Saint Petersburg.

Through the tainted glass of Saint Petersburg,
The streets shine in the dim sunlight,
And the sun says farewell once more,
As the shadows of the wanderers grow thicker,
A silhouette catches my sleepy, dreamy eyes.
Dressed in grayish and ripped tatters,
He silently walks upon the snowy pavement,
With his head anxiously fixed on his worn out boots,
Which weakly try to traverse the tides of snow.
His aged, wrinkled face cannot conceal his misery,
And he bites his sore and wounded lips,
Attempting to forget winter's embracing coldness.
The lonely silhouette solely stops his directionless journey,
To bit the passersby for a few coins; to ease his suffering,
Just to fill the empty bottle of warming booze,
So he can banish the shivering cold from his heart.
'Sir, do you have any, any coins for a poor beggar?
Or a bottle of spirit left in your cellar?
Would you help a lonely man, to forget the cold?
A bit of help? So this night can pass by like the old'?'
Yet no soothing voice answers to his prayers,
So, he continues to walk along the snow-covered pavement,
Weakly and sickly; staring at his worn out boots,
He begs just for the cold to vanish from his tired mind,
And as the lamplights of the wintry streets are shut,
His fatigued body collapses on the white, icy surface.
He gathers his remaining strength to lean at a waste bin,
Whilst he hides his limps in his grayish rags.
Trembling he watches the lights go out;  
Slowly loosing his grieved consciousness,
Closing his exhausted eyes; to say farewell,
To the coldness of the city and of the people,
And whispering 'goodbye' in his mind, he forms a weak smile.
Through the tainted glass of Saint Petersburg,
The streets shine in the dim sunlight,
And the sun says farewell once more,
As the shadows of the wanderers grow thicker,
A silhouette catches my sleepy, dreamy eyes.
But that silhouette is no more,
Yet peacefully he sits under the moonrise,
And now sleeps and dreams forever more.

Make you cry....

hmm, make you cry.

I'm crying right now, right this second.
I just slit my throat the wrong way.

I just saw my enemy.
We face to face'd

It was like the brutality never happened!
Was like it was the last day I saw her.

I just razor bladed the FUCK out of my stomach!
I have no use for intestines.

She spoke to me like my apocolypse nevver happened!
Like none of it ever happened!

There aren't enough times in a life to want to kill myself.
Everyday brings on another reason to do it.

I will die a marytr.
I've promised myself that I will take my life for a cause that I'm passionate about.

I see a person in the distance.
An innocent person, looking at me.

But I'm so dead inside.
And like every person that walks by, is every person willing to betray me.

No one knows me.
Nobody knows who I ever was.

Almost 40 years under my belt, and I'm NOT impressed!

Waiting To Cry

When it's going to be my turn to cry?
Don't know how much longer my eyes can stay dry
In need of closure I'm losing composure
Exploiting my tears is indecent exposure
Can't put on a show I can't let you witness
The pain that I feel because it's none of your business
Don't try to pry and don't try to tamper
Don't ask me any questions because I don't have the answers
I took my number now I'm waiting in line
When my number is up I'll cry and whine
The sadness I feel will finally be exposed
To only four walls and the door that is closed
My exterior is joy, my interior the opposite
This abusive profusion is my life apocalypse
The end of my world the walls are closing in
For a moment I'm claustrophobic searching for an opening
I've found a way out like I always do
In order to avoid breaking down in front of you
I rebuke vulnerability still living a lie
While my inner child is desperately waiting to cry

My silent screams


I scream
2 rounds left
I fire the gun
The gun that chooses my fate
Life or death
Angel or demon
My salvation  
I can't go on in this world
This pain is just to much to heal
You used to captivate me
I was lost in your world
These wounds just wont fade  
Theres just to much that time can not erase
I put the gun to my head
I brace myself for the impact
For my life was to worthless to even contradict
I take a second glance and look behind me  At my friends and family
As My life flashes before my eyes
My mother slapping me
Slamming my head against the wall
Blood and glass everywhere
"I hope you die you worthless piece of shit"
Her hurtful words surrounding me
I take a breath
I raise the .44 magnum to my skull
I fire
As I fall to the floor
My life diminishing from within
I'm left in a pool of blood
my silent screams fading
As I realise I have won
I no longer have to play this demonic game we know as life
As the sun sets on the horizon
My soul flies free

Atonement
Where the sun doesn't shine,
There is a shriveled up man that slowly dies.
Lonely in the world, starving for food,
Wandering the street, the streets known as home,
On the corner of sanity and desperation,
He begs for those pennies, his oasis.
Bystanders walking, giving him shallow eyes,
Self-esteem going down, hope of moving on, slowly drowns.
He always wished for the better, even during the war,
Fighting for a country, that left him alone.
Gone in battle while his family suffered,
Shot to death, there was no time for cover,
His life in flames, when he returned.
Buried his own 8 year old daughter 6 feet below in the blood stained dirt.
In his wife's hand, the ring he proposed.
Covered in dry skin, that created a lump in his throat.
Sitting in the rain on the building labeled 'Sad',
A young man came up sparing some changed he had had.
So the withered man could dine and live another day.
Returning everyday with change in his hands,
More and more money he gave to the man.
Finding one day the man was gone,
He followed a petal trail to a dark graveyard.
There was the man with roses in hand,
With the money he had to the flower shop he went,
Placing them on the grave,
The man wept in pain and went back to the corner in which he stayed.
Walking to the grave I saw engraved,
"Under this lies my heart,
both halves lie in this sad ungrowing earth,
RIP my Love and Sharyl Grey,
to heaven you go and earth is where I'll stay"
Returning to the corner where he laid I spoke,
"Mr. Grey... I murdered your wife and child 12 years ago from today.
What a small twisted world this is, don't you say?"

The moments of self awareness
that feel to you like dire straits
are in fact the last will and testament
of a whiny persona kicking stones just beyond
the boundary of depth.
You will lullaby quietly into complacency
before you've learned to dream,
so the loss will not even have
tragic beauty or
poetic charm.
You will settle in comfort
after an uninspired bout with promiscuity
leaving no real impact
on anything

Your folks are ashamed of you
and your pets would rather be abused elsewhere,
than be loved by you

It's nearly certain that you are alone
Right now
so the coast is clear
to bust open that box of kleenex