Poem of 2024
Ashriyon said:Hello I was wondering if someone could give me some feedback on my poem I wrote?
"In a crowd where no one sees,
I stand beneath the weight of stares,
Like a shadow in a gallery,
A canvas painted with their fears.
A heart, vibrant but hidden deep,
Layered beneath the surface bright,
Knowing the echoes that cut and seep,
Through the silence of a lonely night.
I wear a mask of smiles and jest,
Laughing off the pain I feel,
Risking trust, a daily test,
In a world where wounds remain concealed.
I bend my soul to fit their mold,
Changing colors to blend in line,
With every compromise, I feel less bold,
Yearning for a love that’s truly mine.
When the rain falls, my tears align,
A mingling of sorrow, a soft refrain,
But in the depths, a hope will shine,
For one who sees me beyond the pain.
To be embraced for every flaw,
To find a heart that understands,
A hand in mine, without a flaw,
A promise in the shifting sands.
So I’ll keep searching through the haze,
For that rare soul who holds the key,
To shatter glass and end the maze,
And love me wholly, just for me."
Hi, that's a great poem. You can put it up in your own page and ask for honest critic. Or go here for comments.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/12758/#577408
"In a crowd where no one sees,
I stand beneath the weight of stares,
Like a shadow in a gallery,
A canvas painted with their fears.
A heart, vibrant but hidden deep,
Layered beneath the surface bright,
Knowing the echoes that cut and seep,
Through the silence of a lonely night.
I wear a mask of smiles and jest,
Laughing off the pain I feel,
Risking trust, a daily test,
In a world where wounds remain concealed.
I bend my soul to fit their mold,
Changing colors to blend in line,
With every compromise, I feel less bold,
Yearning for a love that’s truly mine.
When the rain falls, my tears align,
A mingling of sorrow, a soft refrain,
But in the depths, a hope will shine,
For one who sees me beyond the pain.
To be embraced for every flaw,
To find a heart that understands,
A hand in mine, without a flaw,
A promise in the shifting sands.
So I’ll keep searching through the haze,
For that rare soul who holds the key,
To shatter glass and end the maze,
And love me wholly, just for me."
Hi, that's a great poem. You can put it up in your own page and ask for honest critic. Or go here for comments.
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/workshop/read/12758/#577408
The Golden Rule
She went to Northern China in December;
the wind was cold and cut her like a knife.
She shivered violently, could not remember
ever being colder in her life.
Her teeth like castenets were chattering,
her sandy toes had turned a shade of blue,
her teeth would very soon be shattering
and then she'd need some false ones – Boo, hoo, hoo!
'I wish I'd put me thermal knickers on!'
the Blue-Sand Girl wailed out in deep despair.
'The ones I'm wearing are of thin cotton.
'I'm feeling a terrific draught down there!'
Then ajay walked into this verse once more,
a pair of thermal knickers in his hand.
'You left these once upon me bedroom floor,'
he said, 'This freezing cold they will withstand.'
'Oh, thank you, ajay!' cried the Blue-Sand Girl.
'Without you, I don't know what I would do.'
She put those knickers on and gave a twirl.
'You've stopped my little – er – toes from turning blue!' 🙃
'Our Hero said, 'Oh, Babes, you must remember,
heed this most important Golden Rule:
Don't visit Northern China in December!
Come stay with me in sunny Liverpool!' 🙃
☕
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7F7hDYDzwU4&pp=ygUdaSBkb250IGtub3cgd2hhdCBsaXZlcnBvb2wgZmM%3D
⚽
You're not well over the hill. I bet you can still throw a few shapes on the – er – dance floor. 🙃
💃🕺
Emptied
..my muse went to timbuctoo and won't be back anytime soon
Emptied of words, all written out
no pretty words, no poems or prose
staring out of the window
thoughts meandering like a late show
showing all the things in the past
and the living room in my cloud castle
just like a train track overgrown
by weeds and wildflowers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qDIr0yvZ5g
