Therapeutic Poetry

I begin this entry with the premonition of learning more about myself.
What shall I find beyond the fog of uncertainty?  
What have I failed to recognize in this life?  
This is not a life; this is not a dream.  
How impenetrable is the wall that divides my mind?  
That divides reality from dreams.  
Oh, but the dream world allows me to feel what I thought was never real.  
In this world I feel peace and serenity  
and all my characters welcome me with open arms and thank yous  
for the noble heart I’ve always felt morally obliged to offer.  
 
 
On this side of the wall, the sun drapes its warmth over my face;  
its rays blanket my skin, shielding me from the cold and bitter side of reality.  
Oh, how I love to imagine a good life on the other side!    
Always drawn to this concrete barrier,  
I’d jump and grasp the threshold that feels rugged beneath my fingers, peering over.  
What a strange world! I’ll see figures in the distance, laughing, conversing.  
Their silhouettes eerily presented in the moonlight of veracity.  
I can feel the chill of this side assaulting my face.  
Oh, what a bitter world!  
None of these bodies seem to mind the dimness, the cold; they’re happy. How?  
I’ll stare beyond the wall; now and again something will stop, turn and look at me.  
I don’t know what it thinks or feels. It’s too dark for me to know.  
It’ll stare back. I’ll see the whiteness of their eyes, I know they stare.  
 
 
One day two silhouettes strolled along; I could make out their faint mumble.  
They gazed in my direction as their pace slowed, voices faded.  
Suddenly a roar of laughter stampeded my way,
ricocheting and echoing across the world of reality.  
In the cold, lengthy plumes of breath emerged.  
One shook its head; the other looked on;
its white eyes piercing the darkness like two arrows.  
The wall, however; shielded me… as it always has.  
I’m home here. Nothing can hurt me… no judgments.  
 
 
I gaze and ponder at the real world.  
Frigid gusts of rejection attack my exposed inner self;  
their assaults quite overpowering.  
A warm hand came to rest upon my shoulder.  
I turned to the light to see a sun-lit hand,
washed in flush complexion; belonging to a gorgeous person.
Those eyes… oh, those eyes drew me in.  
The smile thawed me. A tear of contentment flew down my cheek.  
The lips of that perfect smile spoke to me; “Come back home Daniel.”

I say I'm fine
Even though I just crave wine
More than just a kiss
More than just touching the lips
But don't worry, I'll continue to say I am fine
I won't whine
 
Some days I wish death could just take me away
For from this pain I feel each day
As the jaws of reality bite my ass
I wished today I smoked something more than just this grass
But it's fine I'll no longer talk about drugs
I'll pretend I'm not part of the thugs
 
Today I watched as the earth waved as the sea and buildings moved like currents
 
It's not funny when you are the one wearing costumes and masks  
People laughing at you face, you are a clown
Fuck, why is the world upside down
I guess I need to book for another session
And listen to some new thesis of confusion
Why the fuck can't they understand me
Why can't the world just let me be
 
I am not sick
It's just that it's hard to be sane without my daily kick
Sorry, I said I won't talk about drugs
I'll try not to remember what happened in those clubs
 
It's sad to hear a qualified shrink psychoanalyze me to say I fear death
When each night I pray that God takes away my breath
Life is unbearable,  
                               sometimes I feel like screaming, crying, shouting
Telling the world I am tired of drowning
But I can't,  
                    no one cares anyways
So I pray instead for better days
 
It is sad to hear that I am the cause of all this pain to myself
I should just tuck away all these memories  
                                                                            and neatly pack them in my inner shelf
Never visit them again
Never remind myself of the pain
Maybe these creatures of the night will not haunt my dreams anymore
And I will never have these hallucinations I abhor
 
I always wish to sleep and never wake up
Go to heaven and look at God in the eyes close up
Say I am sorry for all that I did
I'm willing to accept eternal burning for all my misdeeds
But I am afraid I might not find a God at all
I might find out that there is nothing more to death than just darkness after-all
 
I wish I did not have to see a shrink to tell me I am abnormal, "special"
 
I feel like a monster just without horns and grime
I feel like a clown in my life without words, just mimes
I feel like I am watching someone else living my life
But don't worry, I will continue saying "I am fine"

It seemed to be so popular the disney hit
Everyone sings the song  and thinks its great  
A magick tale to dress with that blue skirt  
And glorify that snow queens estate  
   
Hans Christian Andersens he wrote    
A tale with morals at their heart  
Good to triumph over evils in each book  
My frozen epic I will chart  
   
The walking stick is the wand I carry  
The attack its random nature varies  
My aid to help me run not tarry  
To snails pace that speed it is not hairy  
   
Of frost desends upon the bones  
The creaking door that opened    
And settled within my unwelcoming home  
Seeing me a puppet like strings all broken  
   
Not yet the solid permafrost  
The wooden walk and rolling gait  
A creeping step of limbs that lock  
Its vice a grip at its own pace    
   
 Empathy, a well meaning false facade  
The agony to say (im fine) a statue stiffened  
Fools gold of treatment, a gain that fades  
 Lifes remote control that god has hidden  
   
The side effects of pills prescribed
Defrost the frigidity that I hold  
Will their melt bring hope to life
And could poetry be that antidote

Everyday I remind myself,
    I am wanted,
      I am needed,
      I am loved,
I learn to forgive myself for old transgressions,
Knowing I can’t change the past,
But moving forward  
I can maneuver in the right direction.
            Absolving myself is an integral part,
It’s vital to the soul and heart,
            Because without mercy there’s no telling
What depression can do…
      I am wanted,
      I am needed,
      I am loved,
I do good things for family and friends,
      I am respected,
      I am appreciated,
      I am well liked,
And though the thoughts come and go,
I know I have a fighting chance.
 
I can go to counseling and take a pill,
But I can’t sit still,  
 because my quill,
  will spill ill,  
   until my will,  
    is then fulfilled,  
A testament to my family and friends
Of how much I love them,
      Appreciate them
      Respect them,
So that when the thoughts come and go,
They no longer have power over me,
I am free,
I am loved,
I am…
A poem composed for an old mended soul,
Because poetry  
  is my therapy.

"Be not the slave of your own past - plunge into the sublime seas,
dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-  
 respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that  
 shall explain and overlook the old.”    
    
                      ― Ralph Waldo Emerson    
     
     
Don't fear the deep;      
it is what you fear that      
will ultimately free you.      
It might be full of sharks,      
but you learn to avoid them.      
It might be dark, but in this      
your vision will improve.      
The unpredictability of it      
will prime your creativity.      
     
Let it float you by being still      
and letting go and you will find      
your own buoyancy and equilibrium.      
Your fears of the unfathomable depths      
will subside in the midst of your      
own pioneering strength.      
The parts of you that float away      
are like story-laden words shared;      
the more you let out, the more      
come to mind to take their place.      
     
Just let thoughts go, be free      
and the words will order themselves      
like coherent water molecules      
wrapping your skin in their affinity,      
enveloping you and reaching      
to infiltrate your every crevice      
in which doubts of yourself lie.      
     
Go deeper and further and you      
will befriend the unknown spectre      
of the undiscovered and yet unwritten      
story within yourself.      
You will form the words and they      
will become your flotation vest      
in stormy seas of your turbulent self.      
     
Be the eye of your own storm      
and be still within it; you will become      
weightless and worryless;      
you are connected to divine, unbiased truth      
and in stillness, you will hear its secrets:      
Your words will reveal what others      
long to know.      
      
                    .....

(a non-entry in the 'Classic Corner Championship, Female Division')