Reinventing & Editing

This competition applies to your own previously posted poems only!

Log on to your "Poems" page
click the ⏩
to the first page and pick one of your earliest writes.
Then reinvent and edit it, using some of the criteria below.

Edit some of the following.

1. Look at the punctuation and line breaks.
(Would this poem be better served with more / less puntuation? Do the line breaks make sense when you read it now?)

2. Look at the capitalization, does it indicate sentence structure? Would the poem bennfit from shorter / more structured sentences?

3. Word over use? Can you cut the word count down, in this piece? Is there unnecessary repetition or words just not needed?

4. Spelling, are there spelling edits that would enhance this piece?

5. Pictures : Does it have a picture that now seems obsolete? Or it doesn't have a picture and would bennefit from one?

6. Category : Was the category choice at the time a good one? Or does it need to be moved to a better choice?

7. Aesthetics - Can it look neater on the page? Can it be tidied up?

8. Assuming you've been here some time and there are new features on DU at this time (such as Author's note) can any of those be added now?

How to post

Each poet will have three posts in this competition. . .

1) Copy and Paste your original write. With the date it was originally posted (don't link at this point.)

2) Do all the reinventing and editing as per the list plus any others that your creativity finds. Then link the edited version as your second post.

3) Write a short post, explaining what you edited and why.

Note: If you link the first version, you need to rewrite the second so we can see both versions of the poem!


Rules

1. Obviously collaborations are not going to work here.

2. The objective is the end result, do we have better poetry eyes now?

3. This is for YOUR OWN old writes, from the first pages here.

4. You can add spoken word but it doesn't garner this a spoken word comp.

5.  All three posts need to be made, to be considered a legit entry!

6. You have 2 weeks, enjoy it.

7. There is only one winner here and no runner ups. The best reinvented and edited achievment wins.


Please note Rule updates...

* You can edit as many poems as you like during the 2 week period. Only poems that include all 3 posts will be judged.

** You can edit poems continually until the competition closes. I will only be awarding a winner after the competition closes (in 2 weeks) . Remember to update your "notes" post as you go.


Enjoy!

Tryna figure it out.

This is not eligible to win!
It is purely experimentation of the comp and having fun with it.

The original piece...

Ilse .
 

long scarlet locks pour over her shoulders
towards the wooden floor
and she drops her white tight satin;
leaving hungry eyes beholden
on-a flawlessly fashioned
figurine

elevated hands beg to be touched;
lips locked, embraced
in the revelation of
seventh-heaven

knotted limbs seize each other, ineptly
grasps get tighter
breathing leads the pulse
of the heart
steps get heavier
toes get sexier

her lips hold our mouths
together
fast

we’ll dance this one-like
siamese twins, un-separated
to the last twirl
and whirl

a finger and
a breath
drops me

to the
floor


-x-

RevolutionAL
Written by RevolutionAL (Alistair Plint)
Published 9th November 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6 reading list entries 0 comments 10 reads 512

SURVIVOR said:

Wow that was quick!
Thank you!

You may need to rewrite completely tho.. I'm not sure that if you edit the edits don't change on the linked version as well?

Which is why copy + paste might be easier on the first post.

But awesome and thanks for getting involved!

I got all sorts of excited just seeing if improved and in what ways, love this comp. So I linked this one so my original can post intact. Do I post the edited one as well as the 3rd in the reply below the original? Still figuring out copy and paste. Brilliant Comp, Much Respect,
Survivor

SURVIVOR said:I got all sorts of excited just seeing if improved and in what ways, love this comp. So I linked this one so my original can post intact. Do I post the edited one as well as the 3rd in the reply below the original? Still figuring out copy and paste. Brilliant Comp, Much Respect,
Survivor awesome! Yes do it exactly that way, just post the new one and the reply 3rd! Will work great! Glad you like the idea!

1st of 3
Category~Self Poem
TheOriginal

Scarlet locks pour over shoulders

-> word “long” seems obsolete. Cap the first letter indicating poem starts.
"Her".. Is it necessary?

reaching the wooden floor

→ reaching provides a more defined image.

she drops the white tight satin

-> and seems un needed.. Her changed to the… removed ; cap next sentence.

Leaving hungry eyes, beholden

A flawlessly fashioned
figurine
->added a , removed -

Elevated hands beg to be touched;
lips locked
Embraced
in the revelation of
seventh heaven

-> Cap Embraced and cleaned line breaks.

Knotted limbs
seize each other
Grasps get tighter
Breathing leads the pulse
Steps get heavier
Toes get sexier

-> made setences shorter sharper breathless almost. Line breaks again we know the pulse is from the heart so totally obsolete. Toes getting sexy seems 5th grade.

Her lips hold our mouths
together

->fast was completely unnecessary! Incorporated in stanza above.

We’ll dance like
siamese twins
un-separated
to the last
twirl and whirl

A finger

-> the finger seemed completely redundant.

A breath
drops me

to the
floor


-x-

I added both tags and a Author's note as well as spaced my lines more clearly.

I also added a photograph to update the look and feel.

Much happier with this write now!

Thanks for the help while I'm at it things could get messy, trying my hardest to keep the threads clean. Much Respect,
Survivor

SURVIVOR said:Thanks for the help while I'm at it things could get messy, trying my hardest to keep the threads clean. Much Respect,
Survivor

No probs! 👍

Category~Self Poem
2nd of 3 Entries
Edited and Revised

Four Plus One

Who is she
Who am I
Who are we

We are the deepest purest form of insanity
We are the army of four plus one

Winters bitter freeze flowing nourishment along her empty veins She is devoid of all emotional connection
ICE is the gatekeeper
Unwavering
Spring loaded
Raring to go
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore

Sleek in felines grace
Her low rumble washing one and all in loves warm gentle glow
KAT is powerful and skillfully honed
Silently stalking guarded whispers
Fierce
Motherly
Protective
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore

Cheeks blushed cherry in ripeness of curiosity
CHERRY can out drink or drug man or beast
Absortion is her strongest ability
A creation infused with the unbreakable bonds of loyalty
Steadfast
Will of iron
Deceptive is her appearance
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore

lil SPOOK is our lone wolf
Intentions of his being ten foot tall
Stitched seams secretly bulletproof
Mothers chilling wrath gifted instead a brave keeper
He collects and stores all of our pain
Easily spooked
Rebel
Defiant
A determined lil boy
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore

SURVIVOR is our core
The navigating force facing the world
She is hauntingly
Beautifully
Insane
Standing guard over one and all
Forevermore

We are the shattered fragments
To survive we placed our souls upon the auction blocks of hell

Our spirit can neither be controlled nor contained

Cleverly outfoxing the depraved
We fiercely guard our secretly hidden Vault of Self while courageously fighting survivals bloody battlefields

Dancing wild and free in the shadows of moonlight

We are the army of four plus one



Author's note~
Capitalized names displaying their individualities
aka
The Squad

#identity  #strength
#family

~final edit
5-3-2018~

3rd of required 3
Process of Editing

I updated the picture for clarity and impact, the original was too grainy lacked depth.

New in learning copy & paste, please hold giggles after all I think I'm old.
Doing what I was told not to I linked the original, in doing that I couldn't revise one without revising the original.
On paper I did the re-edit then submitted the 2nd.

Thinking of all the critique, removed all punctuation and rechecked spelling, hopefully creating a smoother flow for the reader. After one last critique I changed the plus sign to the word plus, agreeing with the critique it does create an even and smooth flow.
I replaced certain word choices and word placement again hopefully creating a deeper depth and a clearness easier for reader's to follow. Also changed one more word to grant power of ownership.

To all those who have advised me with critique, I hope I learned in your teachings. Your patience was greatly appreciated.

I also added tags and Author's note. Still happy with the Category~Self Poem

Al, this comp was not only fun but educational as well. Thank you for being an excellent host, definitely looking forward to your critique.

Good luck to all and by the way, I think I finally got copy and paste. Now y'all can giggle. Mad Respect,
Survivor

Al, upon your critique, I changed shes to she is and above at the beginning the other change. I appreciate your critique and made these changes, once again thank you, RevolutionAl. Deepest of Respect,
Survivor

~Final Edit
5-3-2018~

@cloventongue89

Thank you for the detailed POV.

What lead me to this was very much how we forget our old writes almost leaving them to rot in the back of the database somewhere.

The guidelines on the edits are very much guidelines because our changes will allways be based on our own experience.
But the idea is to have fun with our old writes.