Love and lost

nimhneach ~

i held on
by
prim[rose] & proper tips
{a hummingbird wing quick
dusted knuckle kiss}
& fell into
crystalline covenant shards
crushed beneath your heel.
 
baptized in brine &
brass scented nothings
{i lay in my own filth}
& watched night fall through
the key hole
long after you'd left.

Muse

You can't leave, you can't go,
There's so many things about you that I am yet to know,
I can't say goodbye and I know I can't forget,
I'm just not finished writing about you yet.

Please stay, I need you so,
I love you and I'm feeling things I've never felt before,
I don't want to move on because I'll only have regret,
I don't want to stop writing about you yet.

Every day, you can be sure,
I wake up missing you even worse than the day before,
It breaks my heart and you can bet,
I've so much more to write about you yet.

It's true, my heart is sore,
It's been broken often but to you I can't say no,
I can't give up because my mind is set,
Please don't make me give up writing about you yet.

LOVE AND LOSS

I still recall as clear as day the times we were out together during that summer, chasing, giggling, having fun, to hell with what the world might think of this loved-up levity.

We had only eyes for only each other anyway, faces to faces, eyes to eyes, and what our swimming costumes left bare as we enjoyed the pool and sea. When in plainer more covering clothes your face and hands made you recognisable still.

We belonged surely to each other as the sun to the day and the moon to night, our own Adam and Eve, our own Romeo and Juliet but without the unhappy endings to those stories.

Everything we did or saw together for the first time was worth a lifetime to me, with promise of more to come.

I am sure we sparkled as our chemistries reacted in our company and when we were apart one would talk about the other with lit up eyes.

How we talked as if we would never part, no need for goodbyes when our holiday quarters were on each other's doorsteps, although neither crossed into the other's rooms. We would wait....but that moment never came.

Still virgins, we parted at the airport, exchanging phone numbers, declaring how we would wait for each other.

But the phone calls seemed to miss each other, we drifted apart.....

Where, I wonder, is she now?

Beautiful

Bittersweet

What was once so strong,
Feels so weak,
The arms where I belonged,
Warm and bittersweet.

A heart of gold,
Like stone it sleeps,
Blood so cold,
That tastes bittersweet.

Still we stay,
Feel for what we cannot reach,
See our life in grey,
Pictures in bittersweet.

We talk but talk is cheap,
Try to talk us out of our defeat,
Do we hear the words we speak?
The sound of bittersweet.

The love I so dearly loved,
So perfect and unique,
I gave it all I could,
Broke and bittersweet.

A man I once adored,
Into those eyes I search deep,
I cannot see what I saw before,
Now I see bittersweet.

A bracelet, the charm,
The clasp has been beat,
Snaps around my arm,
Cannot cling to bittersweet.

A life of promise and affection,
Shadows of lies and deceit,
Hopes of restoring our perfection,
But even hope is bittersweet.

the last time

             
             
             
Vulnerable …              
             
exposed, as you hold me in your arms.              
             
My eyes trace your nakedness,              
             
searing your body into my memory bank.              
             
After sex is done, unwanted thoughts creep in.              
             
Never knowing if, or when I’ll be seeing you again,              
             
I always wonder if this will be the last time.              
             
Dispelling them, I choose to live in the moment.              
             
             
Your mantra,              
             
‘I want your sex, I like how you enjoy it, I don’t want feelings’              
             
is clear, there is no misunderstanding.              
             
I thought I could, but I can’t,              
             
I can’t … separate … my feelings.              
             
Each time I spiral deeper and deeper,              
             
continuing to see you ... because,              
             
‘something’ is better than ‘nothing’.              
             

Then …              
             
like a car crash, hope is smashed        
             
when you tell me you’ve met a kindred spirit.          
             
Serious consideration being given … to a relationship,              
             
yet you still desire me for sex.              
                       
My Soul screams out, begging not to be destroyed.              
             
From somewhere deep inside I find hidden strength,              
             
‘No more’ I say, walking away.              
             
             
             
But, I leave a door open,              
             
hoping …              
             
hoping still, for so much more than you’ve ever given.              
             
Some would call me a fool,            
             
but ... I'm just a woman in love.              
             
             
Tenuous is my situation              
 

 


© Kate Adams March 2016

At the Root of Me

I know I can be a little senseless, but there’s one thing that’s on my mind…

Darling, I crave you like my lungs need air, with a hunger too much to bear,
That quenching my thirst simply will lead to more and more constant longing,
That this yearning goes beyond both the physical and the spiritual and maybe
You’re right, I’m obsessed…

But my heart knows full well the distinction between love and fascination,
And what we found in our lives in the spec of all time is something special,
That the sole purpose in my life is to live this happiness satisfying you,
But it also consumes me…

So I linger in the realms between dreams and fantasies beyond this world,
More abysmal than all the seas or past the stars in all the galaxies
Even more profound than what the human mind can conceive,
But I believe…

You’re at the root of me… in the hub…the core… in the crux of it all,
So deep and embedded in my heart and soul,
That words need not be exchanged when the is emotion felt and shared
But with a simple smile and glare…

And that a modest (ily) makes everything okay, even on the roughest day,
It reconnects us through the hustle and the bustle of our daily lives,
It reminds us of early love lost and found, no matter how much time passes by,
It takes us to that special place…

To where two star crossed lovers met and discovered that feeling at a young age,
And not understanding how or why or when the fates would decide their paths,
Until the time was right, it would be unique… exceptional…sensual…epic… epochal,
Maybe even immortal…

And if future generations or civilizations uncover and read our story,
This love will again transcend when they tell our tale, this allegory
They will wonder about the life we shared brought not by chance,
Or happenstance

But by destiny,
By what the universe placed in our hands,
And deeply embedded in my heart and soul,
At the root of me,
In the hub,
The Core
In the crux of it all.

I feel
the strength
of her arms
around me
and the warmth
of her body
within me
and i
snuggle up
even closer
feeling safer
then i have been
in years
i sigh
and close my eyes
wanting the moment
to be my prize
yet i cry
because i know
she's just a wish
that bleeds me dry
just a thought
within my head
that i wish
was dead
because the pain
is becoming more
then i can bare

don't call me honey.

dents in palms align
forming in the initial phase of life
outwards and inwards, smaller marks between
arbitrarily placed,
yet they seem to match mine.

you were budding in spring
the tongue touches the teeth,
particularly hanging on the upper gums
your lips were closed,
but as that bud precedes a blossom,
i awaited an opening

lurking in an orbital motion,
my mutualist ritual was yet to be performed
others flew around, but never so close as to
rest upon you, but rather to feed off of you
as you felt it was your duty

once i had pollon, it was established
our names could be categorized as we
though not close in distance, i felt them open
hesitantly off your tongue, not escaping in a manner of
water, but thick tar, nearly stuck to your lip

not another, no, not budded nor blossomed, supplied
pollon so ripely produced, so delicately you constructed yourself
so radiant was your stamen, erected in my direction
it was a greeting that came after 'hello'

hopelessly, decaying petals outlined
yet i couldn't see behind what you offered for me
only until i returned for another treat of it
you inclosed yourself, as if you were returning
to your fetal state
your hands clenched the palmar creases
just as they mirrored mine

even bee pollon expires.