deepundergroundpoetry.com
Merciless Burden
You loom over me,
Broken wings trailing
Ash and scree
Your grim calling card
You think nothing
Is the answer
Destruction without
And within your core
Fool that I am,
Your image is glamorized
But fortunately I
Never trusted allure
Stumbling through rubble
I twist haltingly,
Tattered tears dusting
Empty door frames,
I feed your gaping maw
With the rawness
Of my defeat
Bloody and torn
I have stopped
Longing for the white
Fiery sword of hope
Best not illuminate these horrors
I mistook you once, lamented
Twice, misplaced the path
Towards the sweet
Relief of oblivion
No rest in suspense
No advance in attack
The seventh circle
Has no dawn
Broken wings trailing
Ash and scree
Your grim calling card
You think nothing
Is the answer
Destruction without
And within your core
Fool that I am,
Your image is glamorized
But fortunately I
Never trusted allure
Stumbling through rubble
I twist haltingly,
Tattered tears dusting
Empty door frames,
I feed your gaping maw
With the rawness
Of my defeat
Bloody and torn
I have stopped
Longing for the white
Fiery sword of hope
Best not illuminate these horrors
I mistook you once, lamented
Twice, misplaced the path
Towards the sweet
Relief of oblivion
No rest in suspense
No advance in attack
The seventh circle
Has no dawn
Published 6th Sep 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
6th Sep 2012 9:38am
6th Sep 2012 12:06pm
Anonymous
6th Sep 2012 12:28pm
There are some really good images here. I liked "Tattered tears dusting/Empty door frames" and the following verse, which was brutal and compelling. The "fiery sword of hope" was also magical. I think if this poem had more of a plot it could be awesome. The story is very vague at the moment, and what sells it is the images, which are rich and vibrant. Marry them to a compelling narrative and you might have great poetry on your hands.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
All critique is JMHO. Thanks for the read.
6th Sep 2012 12:34pm
Thanks, Jack for the great comments. I'm a fledgling poet here, and perhaps some indecisiveness is showing. Is this about my feelings and so stays abstract? Or do I harness them and create a fiction?
Another time, a different poem, I think, because this one hit close to home.
Another time, a different poem, I think, because this one hit close to home.
