sparkAsmile

[size=3][size=3][size=1]Never know exaxtly what i feel, that why i cant talk to you on how and what i feel, the more i try to stop all the negitive feelings the more intense they get for me,panic, everything is either black or white never grey. I may call you a lot just to make sure you're still here or to make sure that you still like me if we dont talk i fear that you are mad at me it feels like seperation anxiety always looking for the slightest sign that you will abandon me i know that you love me but i dont FEEL it  i do whatever i can to feel your love when your not here with me i read old messages look through old cards and teddy bears look at your pictures and flash back to memmories. i cant seem to keep friends. i love you one minute and hate you the next and most of the time it over something really pathetic. ALONE, EMPTY, im tired of the roalercoaster of emotions. sometimes im broken and dont know why. and sometimes i snap at you for no reason. Sometimes i am so angry at you and i dont even know the real reason why, i say things i dont mean and i do thing that i shouldn't, i say that i am sorry,,,,A LOT, suspicious, needy, misunderstood. shame and lonelyone momment i can feel completly happy inspirational and creative...beauty in everything, that the world is beautiful want to party. that nothing can ever go wrong again, but than i feel it coming it overweals me to my breaking point. you say snap out of it, be strong. but for me it hard you dont understand. i feel like a complete failure. feelings. racing thoughts spirling out of controle so much that i self injure to feel something or to feel nothing at all dying is always in the back of my mind. one minute i can be happy the next for no reason at all or something fairly small i am suicidal. i spend way to much time over analyzing everything...what you said and how you said it what if what if not why and when. what are you doing why are you doing this is it a good thing what its impact what next...trust me when i say i am doing my best. It hurts when anyone raise there voice to me or around me, it scares me and it is painful. it hurts like my heart breaks slowly it makes me want to run and hide. im scared to fight it hurts when i say something wrong or speak my mind i feel guilty, if you dont do or say something or right back when you say you will i would count the hours and if you dont respind or do something or acted a way i dont like my first thoughs would be..you dont love me, why dont you love me, what did i do, someone else is more importent to you than me, very low self esteem, it either happy or sad no middle, to be honest what does the middle feel like? Anxiety is allways there, paranoria is sometimes there, that why i hate being alone sometimes and lose tough of reality  panick attacks. phobias. hopeless, Fear of abandonment. When you ask me what wrong the truth is i dont know i dont have a definite answer most of the time i can only make one up to satisfy your question. i feel alone empty in pain and emotional all at the same time i dont even understand myself or why i feel like that, that why i dont know how to express my feelings or explain. if you could see inside me you would know i feel like im dying i keep it all inside and it only comes out when im alone. When i was younger i couldnt controle my anger sometimes, i would bang my head on the floor, i would run away only for a few hours. i didnt want to speak to people the only person i would speak to was steven and he would tell whoever was talking to me what i said. i kept my head low with unspoken words i fiqure if i spoke i would drawl attition my way, i hated to me spoken to, the center of attition i would avoid people. try to stay out of the teacher target when she called on people. if i was spoken to without steven, or asked a question in class i would feel my heart beat racing thoughts panic attatcs and get sick even know i cant write upfront of people i dont like reading infront of people or solving math questions one on one in fact anything around someone even cooking or working around people times i feel like i can do it but when it comes down to it i cant. feel washed,judged, in the spot light even though i know im not. even when i walk i feel like im walking weird. or how i look or how i talk . waiting in the lunch like or being in groups for a project is really hard on me. or even asking a question. it really hard to keep eye contact. i panic when i have to play games with someone or do anything with anyone even with you it hard to do surtain things when your around. There is always a war inside my head a war of confusion sadness anger black and white love hate yes no i never really know i wear this mask to hide from what inside, there is no way i can be strong, sometimes i am weak tired of the fight. i've promised myself all my life to never lie yet there i stand i look at you and feel that mask build strong in front of me im okay yes im fine, every single even of the day touches me i feel like the world against me im always aware yet i never know what will be next i worry all of the time what's around the corner what could break my minutes of happiness that could banish into darkness, Never leave me dont let me be alone. i panic i worry you'll never be back for me all of this i scream inside of me, i love you i hate you but no matter what i need you. give me a reason for all of these feelings i've never been able to find one. my memories are mainly a blur so many regrets i've lost so many thing, i dont know how much more pain i can take. i wonder every day how im still here fighting a battle i know i'll never win sometimes i cant ever get to sleep. i always need your grip of your hand that sound of your voice to know i am not alone and abandoned, i know you will never leave me but i fear  to be alone. when i say i need you i mean it. because without you i would be alone. again i have moments or day with happiness but one little thing can change that. I tend to overreact on things and get upset or angry but note i cant controle it. i dont exspect you to understand what im saying. because i dont understan myself i dont know who i am or what i want from life, you say i change when other people are around and that is true i change to match others around me just to fit in and be accepted, i always did that sense i was younger but than i sat and stayed quite and evaluation. i feel like everyone around me is perfect but it just me that not.inside im screaming inside the tears only i know need to fall i want you to know how there's hell and vicious circles inside of me. from happy to sad angry to irratated.



[color=Blue] i dont want to be hurt anymore,
i just want to be me: im tired of the pain and the family abuse. tired of watch my mom hurt herself over and over again tired of watching her struggle tired of watching every man abuse her and her 4 kids tired of the bullshit just plain of tired. if everything. am i supposed to give up everything to try to make her happy and protect her in every way, but yet im never protected, i was sexually abused ny 6 different guys at different ages and stages of my life[/color].

[color=Red]Life was hell for me from the start:

When I was born there were difficulties

I was 3 months early

and being a preemie I would suffer and fight for my life

I died almost every single day could not breathe or catch my breathe for the first 3 years of my life

I didn’t eat normal baby food and didn’t drink normal milk.

I had secures from the time I was born until age 9

In and out of the hospital for the first 13 years of my life.



It wasn’t just my medical problems it is also the life I was born into



I may look happy and just your normal child that always smiling and happy but behind my eyes is a child that has been in pain for sometime a child that had never stopped crying her voice became nothing less but silence.



Just a couple months old mom left my biological dad we moved in with some other guy my mom met Andrew: I grew up knowing Andrew was my father but he terrified me. From an early age I knew pain. I seen suffering. From what I remember 2-6yrs I seen my mom beaten dragged by her hair on the floor me and my brothers were punished for what he called my mom wrong doing. He tried thing with me in every picture I saw his hands were between my legs. He would come into my room in the middle of the night I remember being scared and hide under my covers.  This went on every night when he had the chance until my brother told my mom he going to kill daddy so mommy and sister will not suffer anymore. Mom didn’t know that he was doing to me Steven saw and everyone in the town has there suspicions by the way he acts with me. Also we would go to my mom friends house they had a little boy same age as my two oldest brothers Justin and johnathan well I was blind folded and was told to pick a lollipop and his dick went into my mouth I jumped up and gaged and ran to the bathroom in this town there were NO little girls my age. With my mom boyfriend Mom thought it was just talk until she saw for herself and we packed little bit of our clothes and ran. We lived on a boat with an old guy who would only let us stay with him if my mom would have sex with him when we wants so she did what she could. Than children surfaces got involved and told us we had to get a real home. So we ran and stayed out of the radar of the government we stayed hidden

mom was drinking heavily got involved with some bad people we moved in with some other guy and my brother johnathan was thrwn on the floor someone set a fire underneath my bed my babysitter gave me cigarettes to smoke. she got into some bad drugs we were severely poor  6-8 yrs my grandmother would come to Florida and babysit us well one day she decided to kidnap us and took us to GA. My grandmother wanted custody of my brother Justin but my mom said no my grandmother did everything she could to get Justin or all 4 of us my grandmother wanted all 4 of us so she can get money from the government so age 8 my mom wanted some help because she knew if she don’t stop me and my brothers will be taken away so she shipped us off to my grand parents house for temporarily custody but she tricked my mom into signing full custody papers

at this point me and my brothers were a little to used to being alone. Shipped state to state running every single day terrified almost everyday stupid men abuse.  At this point I was silenced from the time I was born until age 8 I watched blood poor at times my brothers and I own blood poor I was touched in ways I didn’t understand by many older men.

So when we lived with our grandparents we thought we were safe at lest my brothers were safe. We were not allowed to see our mother and when we tried or she tried she would go to jail. I would sneak out and see my mom im sure my brothers did to but we wouldn’t speak about seeing her or she would get in trouble. We had family counseling... and  just to get me and steven out of the house so my grandparents can go out and drink me and steven would got to anger managements this was from age 8-11. My favorite teacher would give me clothes hairbows and well love she was like a mother to me she knew my family and she hated every single person in it. Life at my grandparents felt like prison to me. My bed room was a small piece of the hallway that also had a computer that belonged to (paul) my grandmothers husband that isn’t our real blood grandfather he would jerk off at the computer and when I wake up I look over and see him looking at me than I turn my head and pretend I was sleeping he would walk over and play with my hair next thing I remember my clothes were on backwards and inside out than I would go to my best friends house my only close by friend it wasn’t safe there either. I was locked in a bed room with him. Told to suck his dick there so many thing I don’t want to get into with point was there were no where to be safe. I was constantly called fat obese and over weight by everyone in my family so by age 9 I ate less and slowly ate lesser and lesser my brother johnathan was doped up on pills.. he locked me in the bathroom with him by this point I was terrified I was scared I started to gain my strength I pushed me n the toilet go ontop of me and I pushed his off and I screamed on the top of my lungs it was just me and my 3 brothers Justin and steven swears they didn’t hear anything or they just didn’t care I got out of the bathroom and ran. I ran away from home I ran into the woods about 4 close to 5 miles aways from my grandparent’s home cops found me and sent me back I told the cops everything the reason and what my brother paul and Johnny does the cops didn’t believe me. From that moment I last all hope for anything and everyone. This went on until I was 11-12 the gorvment found out something about my gradnparents still not sure what happends something about money so we were sent to our dads house. That was ok but still wasn’t good.  It was now just me and steven  shipped to some guys house whom so called dad I knew what a dad wasn’t but truly didn’t understand I was terrified of men and now im going to live with just one guy well come to find out it was two guys him and a roommate. The roommate tride some stupid things with me he got into some shit and dyed my dad was a Sysco guy like legit he had soo many problems me and steven was asked to shave his back. He thw me down the steps just because I didn’t accept him I wanted mommie. I went walking outside I was chased down by a car I climed into a tree a stayed hidden until they went away and ran back into the house. We ate nothing but pizza and can food wasn’t much to eat. My dad would pull my pants down and bare naked and hit me for punishment I told my aunt on my dads side she the only one that accepted me on the dehavens side of the family our grandparents and uncles didn’t like me only liked steven, steven was there everything but my aunt laura took me in I told her what happened with my dad and she went off on him that was the last time I saw him for a wail my grandmother came for the summer was supposed to pick me and steven up to take up to GA for the summer but before we go to GA we were going to Kentucky where my mom was and johnathan somehow we got my grandmother to let us stay. Everything seemed fine and happy until we were taken away from the police to be shipped to GA and than PA to my dads house well when me and steven arrived to the police stations I cryed and cryied I memoried the way from my mom place to the police station the officers gave me and steven cake I thrw the cake into the cops face and said NO I want my mom. I calmed down and went to the bathroom and opend the window and climed out and took off I didn’t get far until I was snatched up by a police officer me and steven was sent to a shelter for homeless children when I got back to my dads I stayed for 2 months and went back to my mom and stayed it was an apartment complex with nothing but woment and 3 little boys and one grown man who wanted sex from my mother and she she refused he took it out of me he put his hands on me he took pictures off me and posted them to porn sites  I took a bat to a puppy and my mom took a bat at him. we owned this pitbull that was my life it was something for me to live for. I saved it from parvo we were ventrally evicted so we moved into a trailer when we walked outside out home we had to have a gun on US there were wholes in the floors we slept with a gun someone was killed every night. Than we moved to this small yellow house everything seemed fine and smoothly until we were evicted from there cause we has a dog than we moved in with this guy that had horses it was my dream home up until he beaten my mom up the night we moved in my brother gotten involved cause he was hitting my mom I was in the corner crying I held my puppy. It started because he wanted sex my mom said no than he hit my puppy booboo and I cried. Later that night we were missing one of our other dogs and when we found it he said a horse might of stepped on him or bit my a snake but that wasn’t the case we knew what happened it was because of him we are not dumb so we got the hell out of there stole some food and movies and some other stuff and got out than moved to Indiana in an apartment we got steven back and living with us everything was going good for not even a year than moved into another place in Indiana and got kicked out of there than my best friends my booboo my doggies was stolen from me sence that happened I cried every single night of my life. Than we moved to new Albany Indian I became anorexic and bulimic and severely depressed by this point the first day there me and steven go ourself into some trouble nothing biggie. We moved in with this hindi guy named ranver, my mom got into some drugs again she left me and my brothers alone for a month to survive on out own I cooked and cleaned every single day me and steven would skip school and go looking for her. When she came back we went to GA: my mom found herself back into some trouble me and my brothers were shipped to PA because some guys were after me and my brothers for payback because of my mom they wanted to kill us they burnt down the place were staying some we went to PA with my uncle charles in a small trailer with 4 little kids plus my uncle charles his GF and my 3 brothers and me in a 1 room trailer me and my brothers walked to school we barley has any food sometimes none. Than when my mom came back we went to vergina and moved into a bigger house it was me my brothers my mom my uncle charles all of his children witch was 6 of them charles X gf that he had 2 kids with at this time and 2 roommates with there baby. Things didn’t work out there either steven was pushed thr a door by my uncle charles just because he ate some chips me and my brothers were not allow to eat certain foods we were blamed for everything that was missing so my mom got sick of that shit and met up with an old friend named mike we took her to a bar in Phoenixville named the prima I went along there she met a guy named jose and well from that point on we were STUCK no more running just hell. Now there are drugs fighting a lot of fighting I found my best friend and I found someone I am inlove with very much before I met this person I was going downward I was thinking of suicide I attempted suicide I didn’t care about life anymore I really didn’t and this person came along a picked me up and saved my life I honestly think if this person didn’t come along I probably would have lived much longer..

All around me from the time I was born until now: life was never good to me:

I used to believe in god but all the prayers that had been whispered and never answered all the tears that came down my cheeks that hope and faith has left my heart im not sure if ill ever regain my faith.



         By the way this wasn’t everything that happened I left out a lot of stuff….

             P,S thank you for saving my life, I am inlove with u so much.

                                  I cant wait for my happy ending

                                    When im with you everyday[/color]