front yard upkeep will get you every time

Yep every time Jr

Felt the ravine here....

strider

thanx stride....

Clever outlook.

thank you miss scribbs.

Mr. Rot

Tomorrow morning I will come back to this with a crit my friend. I do believe I am hearing, not the stance of a writer/rapper/artist here, but simply

YOU ;)

That is a good thing :)

thank you mam. always appreciated miss maggie..

she took her ring off for good
because i did periodically
fixing the lawnmower
 
(These three lines are exquisite Mr. Rot. They ignite all those things a reader needs, and wants in an opener, that perfect kind of carrot dangling in front of their noses. It gives just enough to have them wanting more.The "lawn mower" line is your cement into the tangible.)
 
i was doin 90 to no where
when she hit the brakes and cranked the wheel
on fifth street

(I broke this here because I really think this piece could benefit from stanzas. Your complete break from the "lawnmower" image into a driving image suggest the need for stanzas as well.)  

another fishing expedition in shit's creek
i'm minced meat
until i find another tenderloin

(This is what I am seeing here. Tenderloins in the South are all about liking the guts of a critter. lol Minced suggest skin, more top layer type of shit. So based on that, I am wanting to suggest "i'm a minced kind of meat." It compliments the rhythm in your other two stanzas, the tone in which this is written, and leaves a tad more breathing room for the imagination of the reader, extending the image which dances between fish, and animal so that it might accommodate both.)  

to tender my ego and loins
that knife is not blind
it has eyes

(Ok Darlin this is where I can make the argument that you need capitalization, and/or punctuation. You have your first, and second lines running together. This could get confusing, and hinders the reader's experience.)

that peer directly into
the 6 foot ravine
in the middle of me

(I am actually torn about the word "ravine". While I love the word, I am left wondering if something that brings back the fishing/creek image might tighten up the piece a tad more.I will leave that one for you to think about Hun.)

Your writing is getting a great polish to it Mr. Rot, not slick, and artificial, more a rough cut diamond shining in a wheat field.

Good stuff here :)

thank you very much for your time and efforts miss maggie. i agree the stanza and punctuation situation is in order. i used ravine because i used to fish in one but if it is not well recieved i shall def look into the edit. thank you very much mam.....

Words tugging at different emotions... well done, jr.

:)

thanx miss atakti. i was goin a few different directions here....

yeah, i'll buy this...(if'n I can pays u back Tuesday)

enough here, and left out that I am sold on the command of the author...couple little of them punchline lyrics that you can declare cadence at any time. you paint enough of a picture that the feel, or scene of the thing is well developed. (I don't personally scrutinize on specifics as much when I am sold on other aspects)

word, good stuff JR

appreciate it lb. you can get a copy for free bro. i actually just saw this comment. been a bit spaced past few wks. but yeh im glad the pic was painted and created an atmosphere. that was def my intent rather than being specifically thought provoking detail word driven......


thanx man....