Ponderous

Parched eyes
Devoid of life
Enslaved by pride
Refusing the yearning urge to cry
Behind these eyes
Lurks a dark, deep and twisted mind

Where Suicidal ambitions reverberate
Against the seams of my psychological limitations
Stretching length and breadth beyond the ability of containment
Emotional motions rips my soul apart whole
While I Search for fertile ground in which to forest the seeds of sanity
Desperate attempts to balance out the anarchy
Hoping to grow  measured and level headed
thought patterns

I keep clutching at straws
and my re-shuffling cards
Raising the stakes against better judgment and the odds
Having dangerous conversations with the seduce of lady luck
in the midst of my opponent
He's just sitting there salavating as if he's about to eat me out
The tension in the room squirms in discomfort

"He's calling a bluff"
Lady Luck said
"I just have a hunch"
She said

Spurred on by her entwined seduce and charm
"Dealer Hit me"!!! belts out my mouth. on impulse
Without a first nor second thought or consideration for how high the stakes is up
But ultimately the joker is on me
Gambling for the keys to my destiny
With the keeper of destiny
Being "coached" by a woman who is neither my wife nor even real

Having been played a fool by the mechanics of life
One day soon
I hope
To Elope this existence indefinitely
with only an ink of blood in my pen
And a canvas of flesh
In order to Rewrite my every step and breath
Backward first so that I never forget
Then forward again to be re birthed into a new chapter
Spawning the story
Of which I am the author
This is my hearts wish Cast upon a star

In the midst of it all
I grab on to the pillars of reality and stop
Shaking off the remnants of depression from this troubled soul
for a second I lost focus
Almost got caught adrift in my own thoughts
I have to concentrate
For these self murderous persuasions are on the brink

of breaking free

Ready to consume me, outside from within.