Remorseless. A confession

I was 16 when one of the most dangerous organizations in the usa recruited me, I was the 2nd minor ever to be a member with 30 years between us. Before I could buy a pack of smoke legally, I had hurt people I didnt know either because they owed us, or because I had been hired by an associate of my group.

I was givn the first job within a week of being asked to join.
I was handed a pistol and a pic of a man 40ish with a goatee and long hair and told he refused to pay back a debt he owed us. They said dont shoot unless you have to.

I looked for him for a week before i found him at an arbys. in the parkin lot I walked up to him knowing he figured itd be a big biker not a highschool kid looking for him. When he came out side I followed him to a house that obviously had no wife waiting for him. I waited till he went inside and had time to settle in, then I went to the door with a delivery pizza box.

He answered and before he could speak i pistol whipped him. I told him why I was there and then ordered him to sit in the chair at the kitchen table, I held the pistol on him and wrapped both arms with ductape, I put some over his mouth and headed to the garage.

It surprised me how calm i was, how little it bothered me that I was doing this, even liked it a bit. I found a ballpeen hammer I liked and went back inside.

I asked him where the money was, and he swore he didnt have it, so I told him I was going to ruin his hand maybe both. He started begging me not to so i put the tape back over his mouth.

I smashed his hand to an unrecognizable pulp,

I see that ruined hand in my head every day even years later, and I can remember his screams but i have never felt bad for doing it. Guilt has never cost me a nights sleep.

I have a conscience, I know right from wrong, but i almost have to force myself to feel bad about any of it.

I