my demons

 I remember the first time you touched me

and how confused I felt

I knew you were crossing a line

I felt my chest go tight
Inside I wanted to die you were my husband
You had me completely

Stealing my feelings of safety

I longed to speak up

and speak out

But this on going pain was silent

It kept putting me to shame
I hated it when you said my name
How could I begin to tell anyone of this nightmare

That so regularly proceeded

When you brain washed me in to thinking everyone would blame me
Brand me a liar
I new it was all you that was bad not me

yet how could I expect them to believe me

when I felt I was in the wrong too somehow

but not for one moment did I ever think you were right
the frustration killed me
When I'd find myself alone I sit and think

was I asking for it?

How come you won't stop?
Why do you persist every time that I cry?
You do it harder every time

Ask me sick things like did I enjoy it?

You'd even ask if I thought you were good
not once did I like what you were doing to me
But I was confused

I couldn't even comprehend why you could feel so liberated
Doing something so low and life destroying I was your wife
Why me I asked every time I looked in the mirror

I was your wife your partner your childrens mother

I was scared and unsure

Your allure made me want to vomit because it didn't attract me
It was like swallowing acid every time you kissed me
In the shower I'd stay for ages silently crying to not alarm the kids

Praying that somehow by washing the outside of me

The inside would cleanse

Only that was stupid

How could water and soap heal all the damage
But I was confused hurt scared so lonely
Then it all came to a head

I finally had a plan a form of attack

It hit me when I got out of the shower one day

I was looking in mirror at my naked bruised body
Then it hit me you wouldnt want me if I was ugly
So I'd stop brushing my hair

Never touched the make up

I eat till I felt ill

Then I'd feel like a pig and make myself throw up
I prayed the kisses you stole from my mouth tasted of acid
It was wrong to turn on myself

But I NEEDED you to STOP
I just couldn't see the harm I was inflicting on myself
But O you loved it

Now you could see I was your victim all the time

You became more strong

I remember how you started to hit me if I do what you said and laugh
In the end I had no choice but to surrender myself without restraint
Then it me this is just going to go on till I'm gone

I try to let go but something keeps me hanging on our kids

But inside there is nothing left of my love for you

I just do what you want then get on with my day

Sometimes I don't know how I cope with this secret burden
Which is an odd thing to say because I'm not really coping at all
But that’s just the confusion of it all

Like when I'm lying there and you rape me over and over

And I get flash backs of the fist time

And I feel the pain of when you broke bone after bone and left bruise after bruise

I was a walking zombie a nightmare

Even now I tense up without knowing and it hurts sooo bad
Only I know there's no point in screaming or talking they truely dont see's my pain they never notice but yet again im to blame
I just don't know what to do now that I was strong enough to leave

oh the guilt the anger the maddness

You did this, do you have no heart other than for yourself?

When does it end? when do you have total conrol?
-c estock