deepundergroundpoetry.com
Selenite
I met a man last night, a cold man. He said
our skulls reminded him of home and the walls
are thick with spider-prints from their blood.
He saw the disrobed, winter trees everted;
the branches are roots on white soil,
the trunks are pendulums, he said.
He's pale and has been here far too long,
but the life of a myth is too sweet.
He lights another cigarette and blows out the smoke--
then smiles, as he imagines a tree, with roots underneath.
Published 17th Feb 2013
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likes 7
reading list entries 0
comments 18
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The author encourages honest critique.
17th Feb 2013 5:03pm
19th Feb 2013 11:41am
17th Feb 2013 5:11pm
The only nit I have Mr. A is the last line of the first stanza. It has a bit of sore thumb quality for me. I get the image you are after. I am just feeling at the moment it is a tad too much for such a subtle piece.
Hmmmmm...
I will ponder some more :)
Enjoyed this Hun :)
Hmmmmm...
I will ponder some more :)
Enjoyed this Hun :)
19th Feb 2013 11:43am
I know it's congested. It needs sorting out a little. Thanks for your eyes, Maggie.
17th Feb 2013 5:53pm
19th Feb 2013 11:44am
17th Feb 2013 10:33pm
Skillfully crafted, intricate images;
with idea's I wish i'd thought up.
Well written.
with idea's I wish i'd thought up.
Well written.
19th Feb 2013 11:46am
17th Feb 2013 11:51pm
Mr A,
yeah, the first stanza stuck out for me too, not necessarily the image or the words which I think are fine. It's more the structure of it, end of lines etc.
'part from that I found it entirely readable and well worth the couple of minutes.
nice one.
yeah, the first stanza stuck out for me too, not necessarily the image or the words which I think are fine. It's more the structure of it, end of lines etc.
'part from that I found it entirely readable and well worth the couple of minutes.
nice one.
19th Feb 2013 11:48am
I'll probably end up leaving it for a while, but it definitely needs some attention.
Cheers for sharing your thoughts, Eamon.
Cheers for sharing your thoughts, Eamon.
18th Feb 2013 11:32am
19th Feb 2013 11:48am
18th Feb 2013 9:27pm
I don't know what to make of this poem. It's just too ........ (language fails me at the moment. I might come back and leave a proper comment. I might not. Nevertheless this IS a poem)
19th Feb 2013 11:49am
18th Feb 2013 11:19pm
More words that strike terror, in a subtle, incomprehensible way.
Check your tenses, though... all in present tense except for lines 1, 2 and 4.
Check your tenses, though... all in present tense except for lines 1, 2 and 4.
19th Feb 2013 11:51am
Mix of past and present is all intentional as I was writing in two different moments. As always, cheers. :)
Anonymous
- Edited 19th Feb 2013 11:58am
19th Feb 2013 11:56am
Scathing, almost...or not?
Rootless trees....
That last line...fantastic!
*then smiles, as he imagines a tree, with roots underneath.
(The 'cold' man has to imagines them roots, which we have not!)
Really dig that metaphor.
Love the tone in this piece, Mr A.
Small query, if I may?
*He saw the disrobed, winter trees everted
(This line intrigues....what means that last word...? Something to do with "green"..?)
Just curious.
Great consistency in your penning, Sir!
Pen on, please.
Cheers
Tidespotter
Rootless trees....
That last line...fantastic!
*then smiles, as he imagines a tree, with roots underneath.
(The 'cold' man has to imagines them roots, which we have not!)
Really dig that metaphor.
Love the tone in this piece, Mr A.
Small query, if I may?
*He saw the disrobed, winter trees everted
(This line intrigues....what means that last word...? Something to do with "green"..?)
Just curious.
Great consistency in your penning, Sir!
Pen on, please.
Cheers
Tidespotter
19th Feb 2013 1:38pm
It's nice that people are seeing metaphors. Everted? Turn inside out; negative.
Thanks for stopping by, tidespotter.
Thanks for stopping by, tidespotter.
