deepundergroundpoetry.com
Serpent
i. Frost hung a web on my breath
tonight
meeting the crumpled imp-
lication of our skin
undressed
With screeching birds
manically cracking skulls, necks
wings
against their bone-barred cage
I know you heard them
ii. the problems lie in those hairline fractures
atrocities feathering off pure intentions
that sit sore and squint under skin
until we rub them down and bind them
as much as it bleeds everything in between
fulfillment comes
when pressure has done its work
and they fuse together stronger
coming back to form
and in healing
amnesty can be laid as offering
before the broken birds -
they might learn to sing again
tonight
meeting the crumpled imp-
lication of our skin
undressed
With screeching birds
manically cracking skulls, necks
wings
against their bone-barred cage
I know you heard them
ii. the problems lie in those hairline fractures
atrocities feathering off pure intentions
that sit sore and squint under skin
until we rub them down and bind them
as much as it bleeds everything in between
fulfillment comes
when pressure has done its work
and they fuse together stronger
coming back to form
and in healing
amnesty can be laid as offering
before the broken birds -
they might learn to sing again
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likes 17
reading list entries 2
comments 21
reads 1041
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
6th Feb 2013 9:24pm
Is the text structured to look like a serpent intentionally? I like it.
As for the content, superbly sinister, sssssss
As for the content, superbly sinister, sssssss
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re: Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
6th Feb 2013 9:37pm
hey, thankya [:
i didn't think of the shape as a serpent at all actually... just kind of happened that way. beautiful to have ye by. [:
i didn't think of the shape as a serpent at all actually... just kind of happened that way. beautiful to have ye by. [:
Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
6th Feb 2013 9:26pm
re: Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
6th Feb 2013 9:38pm
Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
Anonymous
6th Feb 2013 9:53pm
cool write jesta
strider
strider
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re: Re: Serpent - or [A Lesson in Reflexology]
6th Feb 2013 10:16pm
re: Re: Serpent
8th Feb 2013 12:32pm
Re: Serpent
8th Feb 2013 12:56pm
First - this is lovely, seriously.
Second - I only have two nits.
I would change the "a" in this sentence -
"With a murder of screeching birds"
to "the". "the" gives it a more specific quality, as opposed to "a". "A" seems random to me Hun.
My second nit is your title. My mind kept reading it more along the lines of
"Serpent Swallowing Prey"
I know it seems a long title for such a short piece, but it also gives you a little more clarity of image as well. :)
Seriously ? very nice work here :)
Second - I only have two nits.
I would change the "a" in this sentence -
"With a murder of screeching birds"
to "the". "the" gives it a more specific quality, as opposed to "a". "A" seems random to me Hun.
My second nit is your title. My mind kept reading it more along the lines of
"Serpent Swallowing Prey"
I know it seems a long title for such a short piece, but it also gives you a little more clarity of image as well. :)
Seriously ? very nice work here :)
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re: Re: Serpent
thank you so much, Maggie... beautiful critique [:
i'm of half a mind to make "murder" plural, which might take away the idea of specificity, but might also help bring it closer to the reader? "the" seems to leave them out more. haven't thought that through all the way yet...
as for the second nit, i completely agree. i had a much longer title set out for it originally, but i can't get one to work with me. i'll ponder more for the title. thanks again for the useful comment [:
i'm of half a mind to make "murder" plural, which might take away the idea of specificity, but might also help bring it closer to the reader? "the" seems to leave them out more. haven't thought that through all the way yet...
as for the second nit, i completely agree. i had a much longer title set out for it originally, but i can't get one to work with me. i'll ponder more for the title. thanks again for the useful comment [:
Re: Serpent
8th Feb 2013 2:54pm
re: Re: Serpent
11th Feb 2013 9:26am
Re: Serpent
8th Feb 2013 3:39pm
Thanks, I've been wondering what the hell that was that kept waking me every night.....
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re: Re: Serpent
11th Feb 2013 9:28am
my pleasure, RT. well, my pleasure isn't what's been keeping you up, but i'm happy to have enlightened you [:
Re: Serpent
8th Feb 2013 7:04pm
I really like the vivid imagery especially the last four lines where I can see and hear the mayhem. Very nice.
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re: Re: Serpent
11th Feb 2013 9:30am
Re: Serpent
9th Feb 2013 10:33am
Funny Jest, I think I did hear them.
I love poems like this, I am left with the impression that my serpent and your serpent are two totally different things. My birds are vastly different to yours [I think] yet my instinct is that I actually understanD (Even if that is impossible thing) So this short stab and lay it out piece is definately a favourite of mine.
I love "Frost hung a web..." so articulate (just love it)
Then..."crumpled imp-
lication of our skin
undressed"
special, it feels different from being naked or baring emotional discomfort somehow it feels widely open and I love that about it. Are the lines seperated that way for pause in the read? because is works beautifuly.
What an emotive read that was all the little thumbs up icons from me. superb truley superb!
Al.
I love poems like this, I am left with the impression that my serpent and your serpent are two totally different things. My birds are vastly different to yours [I think] yet my instinct is that I actually understanD (Even if that is impossible thing) So this short stab and lay it out piece is definately a favourite of mine.
I love "Frost hung a web..." so articulate (just love it)
Then..."crumpled imp-
lication of our skin
undressed"
special, it feels different from being naked or baring emotional discomfort somehow it feels widely open and I love that about it. Are the lines seperated that way for pause in the read? because is works beautifuly.
What an emotive read that was all the little thumbs up icons from me. superb truley superb!
Al.
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re: Re: Serpent
11th Feb 2013 9:34am
ah, Al, you know as well as i when a reader can connect, it makes the poem worth much more. yeah, the lines were separated on a whim while i was typing actually... and the break had to be there for some reason. i just couldn't change it, and many seem to see the same thing there. thank you, as ever, for your eyes. [:
Re: Serpent
Anonymous
- Edited 28th Feb 2013 10:46am
28th Feb 2013 10:45am
A strange and creepy poem. You're fond of the word "murder" in that context, I've noticed. The mix of derangement and sensuality is startling. The line break in "implication" subtly almost leers at the reader, with "lication" sounding like a sexual act. What follows "undressed" is harsh and brutal; it's a perfect semantic field of violence. Thank you for the read.
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re: Re: Serpent
28th Feb 2013 1:25pm
why thank you, Jack, i am fond of it. it seems to say something that little bit extra... maybe too much trying sometimes, though. so grateful for that awesome interpretation of voice and structure... hardly get that anymore! thank you, everso, for stopping in. [:
Re: Serpent
Anonymous
8th Oct 2013 2:44pm
Your slither is smooth, sly, and sublimely serpentine ( as it should be). You find beauty and violence in being both predator and prey. We give and take many liberties, when we give ourselves over to another, as we do as writers. The skins we shed are numerous, the wounds give rise to sweeter founts. There are powerful symbols at work here, and crumpled clothes.
Your written maneuvers are never arbitrary, but then I'm willing to bet your hands aren't either.
I think this is my very favorite of your offerin
Your written maneuvers are never arbitrary, but then I'm willing to bet your hands aren't either.
I think this is my very favorite of your offerin
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