Dewback Rides and Shooting Up in Cloud City

I'm still completely awake. Who needs sleep? To be honest, I don’t really even remember the last time I was actually asleep. Like went to bed, and woke up in the morning. But we already know junkies don’t sleep. I apologize in advance, but my inner nerd is about to throw up all over my computer.

I am curious to know when my life became this way, when I became this person. The more I think about it and the more I watch the time on my clock progress, the more disappointed in myself I become. Three, even two years ago.. I would have never predicted I’d be the person I am right now, making the decision to put in a needle in my arm every single day. Sitting on my couch at 2:30 am, blogging with hands that are moving faster than the Millennium Falcon, with a heart beat that only Boba Fett’s sonic dissipator can quiet. I wish that I meant it when I said I wanted things to change. I wish I was sincere when I said meth wasn’t worth this, that it wasn’t worth wallowing in the destruction of everything I thought I was. My life has tumbled down into the Great Pit of Carkoon, straight into the waiting jaws of a Sarlacc. And I allowed myself to be devoured.

Maybe I should embrace the new person I’ve become and this life that coincides. I’ve stopped trying to fit into the mold that society has deemed acceptable. It’s time to embrace and thrive in this new fate, similar to Anakin in Revenge of the Sith. He had been trained since leaving Tattooine to be good and holy. Obi-Wan practically engraved the Jedi Code into him. But no matter how hard anyone tried to keep him away from the Dark Side, Anakin knew that’s just who he was. “Something’s happening. I’m not the Jedi I should be. I want more. And I know I shouldn’t.” That’s my life. These decisions, may they be good or bad, I’ve made them a reason. Or so I’d like to believe. I guess I’m just having trouble figuring out exactly where it was in my life I stopped being Anakin Skywalker, and began my dark transformation into Darth Vader. I’ve been living as Darth Vader so long, Anakin Skywalker isn’t within my comprehension anymore. I’d like to remember who he was, what he was like.. what I was like.

“Think you I have never felt the touch of the dark? Know you what a soul so great as Yoda can make, in eight hundred years?” I’d kill for Yoda’s knowledge and awareness. I’d love to know how it’s possible to touch, and briefly taste the Dark Side.. without allowing it to become all you’re capable of thinking about. Maybe if I had possessed that knowledge when I first picked up a syringe, I could have prevented my addiction. If only. Perhaps when creating the Jedi Code, the Jedi Council should have considered what repercussions would come from forcing every Jedi/Padawan to suppress their negative emotions. If we are never allowed to feel anger, rage, jealousy, resentment.. then how are we to deal with negative situations as they arise? That’s probably why the Dark Side is so enticing, it’s emotional freedom. Maybe if Anakin had been allowed to feel some of these troubling emotions, he would have handled Padme’s fate in a better manner, instead of choosing the path that would forever alter his life. “Remember, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression. The dark side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny.” You see, Anakin Skywalker and I are one in the same. We can’t handle emotions or negative situations, we break down and run to the Dark Side.

“Adventure. Excitement. A Jedi craves not these things. You are reckless!” Who knows the reasons behind my decision to take a catastrophic stroll down the dark path, but I constantly am craving excitement, adventure, and adrenaline. I’ve always been unmistakably reckless. Honestly, doesn’t that describe every junkie? But what motivated me? My choices were not made out of passion, or with the intent to save anyone else. They were not driven by the need for revenge, after losing a loved one in the Battle of Geonosis. And I can’t say that I was manipulated by someone I thought to be my mentor. So the question continues.

Maybe I have yet to become totally absorbed in the dark side, maybe I’m just strolling down the path and I’m simply waiting for something pull me back where I belong. And I don’t mean anything extreme, like the epiphany that comes from realizing the possibility of your son’s demise. I need something to make me feel whole again, to make people see me as something other than a worthless junkie. I need a moment so great that I’ll no longer feel the overwhelming need for emotional freedom and invisibility. I need my own Death Star. When Luke destroyed the first Death Star, he became a legacy. No matter what choices he made after that he was going to live on forever as a hero. That’s exactly what I need. Where is my Death Star, and will I know it when I see it?

Ha, but let’s be honest.. wishing to someday become a legacy like Luke Skywalker, is probably about the same as crossing my fingers and hoping I can finish the kessel run in under 12 parsecs, driving my Kia Rio. Unlikely, if not impossible. It’s more possible that my destiny is similar to that of Cin Drallig, to be great and yet often forgotten. No one seems to remember his name, or the role he played in the Jedi Temple. Yep, that’s it. I’m destined to become a Jedi Master, trained by Master Yoda himself, just to die a tragic death at the hands of Darth Vader. You might as well call me Cin Drallig, because I am destined to be unknown and forgotten. No one wants to remember the junkie.

It is now 3:08 am. I’m about to go make myself another shot and go back to sitting on my couch in silence with thoughts of EE-3 blaster rifles, crab droids, and living my life in Bespin among the clouds. Goodnight, or well good morning.

May the junkie force be with you.