deepundergroundpoetry.com
I Wish
My little sister liked swimming with the fishes,
though we have none down the well.
She loved to really sing out loud,
I heard it in her yell.
My little sister always had her puppy by her side,
she never let me play with it, told mommy that I lied.
Now they both swim with the non-existent fishes
and I have my own little puppy.
Published 17th Aug 2010
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Anonymous
- Edited 17th Aug 2010 6:07pm
17th Aug 2010 6:00pm
A very dark poem indeed; cruel and sadistic and weirdly amusing (though that could just be me). The rhyming of "side" and "lied" seemed a little forced; I think you should have stuck to the same scheme you did in the first verse, seeing as the neat structure demands rigid consistency, at least to my mind. All in all, though, this is a well-written, clever poem. One for my reading list, if my reading list wasn't full; I really should stop being such a poem whore, and pick favourites more conservatively.
18th Aug 2010 00:21am
I see what you mean about the rhyme scheme jack.
in truth I never really had one, and now you point it out lied does seem forced. I'll use your suggestions when i do an edit.
thanks for the feedback
in truth I never really had one, and now you point it out lied does seem forced. I'll use your suggestions when i do an edit.
thanks for the feedback
