The Girl that Used to Be

Breathing
Is so much harder
Than it sounds.

People will talk
And I will
Listen to every
Word.

I can barely
Breath,
Sleep,
Or eat.

I can barely
Be.

I don't feel
Like myself
Anymore.

I don't feel
Like anyone
Anymore.

I feel like
The girl that
Used to be.
The girl that
Once was me.

Now, I am empty.

Was it even worth
It?

Is all this
Suffering going
To somehow bring
Me peace?

No.

And I already
Fucking know
That.

I just let
Myself waste
Away. I sit
And I stare

For perhaps
Hours at a time
At nothing.

Because nothing
Brings me joy.
Nothing is
There for me.

I mean, I am
Nothing. I
Always was
Nothing.

And, as this
Nothingness consumes
Me, I will
Remember every
Single word.

I will remember
Everything until
Nothing is
The only thing left.

I wish to become
Nothing once more
So I cannot feel
Anymore.

Breathing
May be so easy
For you.

It isn't
For me.

I can barely bring myself
To stand up
And walk away.

I can't even pretend
Anymore that I am
Okay and that nothing
Went wrong.

Because it all went to
Hell. It all went to
Hell. And, poor I,
Went with it.

Everything I know

Everything I knew

It's all I can do
Is pretend not
To want you.

And, believe me,
It is hard.

It's the hardest
Thing I have ever
Had to do.

Right now, I am
Lost.

I don't know
If I even want
To be found.

All I know
Is all I've become.
I am no one.

And this no one,
And this nothingness,
Fill me with
Sick bliss...

Sick bliss.
Like that final kiss
That left me both
Breathless
And empty

All at the same time.

I never wanted to
Be left alone. I
Wanted a home.

I hate this pain
All of it
I'm sick of this
Shit.

I just want to be
Done with it.

I want to cry
One last time
And never cry
Again.

I want to feel numb.

So, with a bullet
In this gun

It's finally begun.

The end, it's coming.
I am near it,
I can feel it.

I am so close
To feeling relief,
To feel the satisfying

End of me, for
All eternity, where
I can finally be free.

I'm so close,
I can taste it.

I want so badly
For it all to be
Over when I realize
I cannot fucking
Do it.

I just can't.

I promised.

The guilt consumes
Me, and, once again
I go back to my
Nothingness.

Just looking into
Your eyes and
Seeing your familiar
Smile, it hurts.

It hurts like Hell.

It hurts like being
Myself when all I am
Is nobody.

It hurts worse than
A blade slashing through
My skin, revealing the
Hollowness underneath.

The pain makes me
Remember all the
Agony...

The agony I have
Felt for an eternity.

The agony which
Consumes me.

The agony that is me.