deepundergroundpoetry.com
Unfulfilled
You're the addiction I crave but I can never have completely
unfulfilled longing for the desires of touch
physical pleasures but will never be fulfilled
Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of
being vulnerable miserable consumes me,
I just wanted to be loved
by the man I choose to give my heart to
but in reality that wish never came true
unfulfilled longing for the desires of touch
physical pleasures but will never be fulfilled
Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of
being vulnerable miserable consumes me,
I just wanted to be loved
by the man I choose to give my heart to
but in reality that wish never came true
Published 18th Jan 2013
| Edited 15th Dec 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
29th Nov 2013 8:09am
First of all.. you used "your" instead of "you're"
Looking past that...
I really liked your first three lines, they were simple, and sweet.
Your fourth line though:
"Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of being vulnerable miserable consumes me I just wanted to be loved by the man I choose to"
Personally, I think the poem loses much of it's structure with this long, run-on sentence.
Of course, you don't have to listen to anything I say, but personally, I would break that line up, possibly to:
Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of being vulnerable, miserable consumes me
I just wanted to be loved
by the man I choose to
Just an idea!
Looking past that...
I really liked your first three lines, they were simple, and sweet.
Your fourth line though:
"Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of being vulnerable miserable consumes me I just wanted to be loved by the man I choose to"
Personally, I think the poem loses much of it's structure with this long, run-on sentence.
Of course, you don't have to listen to anything I say, but personally, I would break that line up, possibly to:
Lost in the moment trying to find the way out before the anxiety of being vulnerable, miserable consumes me
I just wanted to be loved
by the man I choose to
Just an idea!
15th Dec 2013 3:04pm
