restraint

2 more versus and a chorus...a beat...you got youself a hit!
"Reglossed the goddess"...love the way alot of this whole poem rolls off of the tongue very nicely

Thank ya kindly ratcan
Glad parts rolled off your tongue well

LB

I am feeling this tingly need to critique you. :)

Do you mind ?

( Remember what I have said before. If I didn't think it was worth it, I wouldn't bother. ;) )

And i have a stronger tingle to accept
and accept gladly.
Fire away my friend, its more than welcome

You have two major word/images in this "double dipped" and "reglossed" Double dipped conjures up for me as the reader ice cream, while reglossed conjures up a housekeeping of sorts. I personally think the "reglossed" is much better, and compliments your content, making this section your meat, and potatoes.

"as the days died on
she cleansed herself to polish
reglossed the goddess she
got a gig, a decent job
an apartment, fully furnished
jade plants, lavender, sage, aloe
a fridge full of the food that feeds people
the living kind
her whole abode
a harmony in exchanged energy"


Play with that idea, how a man "keeps house" or doesn't. I love the fact that you "work" your verbs, but frankly I am seeing you play it safe in this. Your game is better than that. ;) Compress your descriptive a little more, and allow the verbs to carry some of that weight. Example -

" got a gig, a decent job "

Gig is the same as a job, no need to repeat it unless you want to exaggerate the full affect ( as you later go in the stanza to do in a different way )

Try something like this -

as the days dust me
she cleansed herself to polish
reglossed the goddess she
got a gig, hauling in
a fully furnished living
complete with accessories exchanging
that mausoleum no one ever wants
to spit, and shine.

You could finish the piece off being like a smudge on her window
 
See where I am going with this ?

You are saying something pretty damn cool in this. I would just like to see you give me a better picture of it is all. :)

Fair enough
and good food there to chew.
I hadn't initially intended that house cleaning metaphor to be the bulk the thing, but as you pointed out, that really is what this has become, and i spose i did weasle out a bit painting it up enough.
Much appreciation Maggie...gonna be mulling over this thing all day, try to bring it up to par a bit later.
Ps. Never hesitate to crit to the last dangling thread is tied,
it is genuinely embraced

That is what I love about review/critique LB. You are seeing what the reader sees, not what you see. You do not have to go the "house keeping" route. By knowing that is what I am seeing ( your reader ) you can avoid that metaphor, if that is not what you intended. But by knowing what flashes in my mind I could have possibly given you another route to take this as well.It really does work both ways when people are willing to open their mind up to it.

I like it lightbaron

MaggieG ha some good advice, too

strider

Thank ya kindly Strider,
and yes sir, Maggie has given quite sound advice