deepundergroundpoetry.com
Second to Moment
I stare out the window of my car
My mom complaining in the drivers seat
She gets so irritated that she turns the radio volume all the way down
Instead of just turning it off
It's raining and my brothers in the back seat
He couldn't care less what mother was saying
Music overflowing from his ear phones
I'm quietly sitting shotgun
Curled at an angle where my knee is up on the seat but still comfortable with my seatbelt
I seem to have tuned out my mother and place her in the background
The rain pelting the car is the dominat sound
I spot two rain drops on my window
And watch them being carried away
Almost as if they are competitors
Racing each other to the finish line
........I wonder where is my finish line
My mom complaining in the drivers seat
She gets so irritated that she turns the radio volume all the way down
Instead of just turning it off
It's raining and my brothers in the back seat
He couldn't care less what mother was saying
Music overflowing from his ear phones
I'm quietly sitting shotgun
Curled at an angle where my knee is up on the seat but still comfortable with my seatbelt
I seem to have tuned out my mother and place her in the background
The rain pelting the car is the dominat sound
I spot two rain drops on my window
And watch them being carried away
Almost as if they are competitors
Racing each other to the finish line
........I wonder where is my finish line
Published 6th Jan 2013
| Edited 12th Feb 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
7th Jan 2013 4:42am
Very well executed. It's interesting that when talking about an experience you're having in the car--your perception of your mother irritated and turning the volume down, your posture in your seat--you make those into the longest lines of the piece. It really fits here. And the music "overflowing"--good use of a word that can describe both music and water on a rainy day. And the ........in the beginning of the last line--perfect.
One thing--well, two, but the second is rather minimal--the wording in line 8 is kind of strange--maybe the comma could be taken out, and you could say "I'm quietly sitting shotgun" instead of "I quietly, sitting shotgun." And the sound of the pelting rain is "dominant" while you called it "dominate"--like I said, it's rather minimal, but it's there, and, well, "dominate" is a verb.
I started thinking that maybe your staring out of the window could be put further down, amongst your "sitting shotgun" and your posture in the seat, to kind of keep it all together with the other bits strictly attached to your physical and mental experience in the car, but maybe it actually goes better where it is at the top.
Anyway, again, very well executed. It really does paint a dreary moment like this rather well.
One thing--well, two, but the second is rather minimal--the wording in line 8 is kind of strange--maybe the comma could be taken out, and you could say "I'm quietly sitting shotgun" instead of "I quietly, sitting shotgun." And the sound of the pelting rain is "dominant" while you called it "dominate"--like I said, it's rather minimal, but it's there, and, well, "dominate" is a verb.
I started thinking that maybe your staring out of the window could be put further down, amongst your "sitting shotgun" and your posture in the seat, to kind of keep it all together with the other bits strictly attached to your physical and mental experience in the car, but maybe it actually goes better where it is at the top.
Anyway, again, very well executed. It really does paint a dreary moment like this rather well.
7th Jan 2013 10:32am
Thank you for your read and comment. I really appreciate the support from other writers :D
Anonymous
2nd Apr 2013 2:21pm
Original idea....I think you wrote a moment very well....but I'm newish to this so what would I know.....I just enjoyed it....for this moment .....hihihi
9th Dec 2013 3:22am
Very modern and excellent narration, the exploration of boredom's reflection... I love it! :).
10th Dec 2013 1:51pm
