Getting Girls

Two days ago I'm Elvis,
Yesterday I'm Dylan,
Today Jesus is the role I'm filling
Because although I've been a faithful
Reader to letters of Penthouse Forum
For a score and some years,
It's still anybody's guess
On how to impress
Damsels thigh
Deep in distress.

I've got some game
From letters as I can e mail
Like Danielle Steele on steroids,
But by the time the face to face
Comes round I'm shaking wardrobe
Like Tina Turner doing Proud Mary.
Words tripping up and down my tongue
Like a Wallenda baby learning the high wire.

Once in a while a shot or two of Jack
Calms my ass right down
But nine times out of ten
The burn in my throat
Hangs my tongue out to dry
With my diction sounding
Like Tarrentino in Pulp Fiction
Trapped in a Bergman movie.
What did I just say?
And what the hell
Does that even mean?

So I see this lioness
Of love in the local
Watering hole and it's lust
At first sight and I'm struck
Down by cupid without a fight.  
I down a shot of Rum 151
To burn the cap off some follicles
So I can sprout some fresh hair
On my chest to hide my pale
Bony breastplate but my words
Are my weapon so long as I can fire.

So I whisper in my friend's ear like Cyrano
But my mouthpiece is cute so I get up and go
To the bathroom where I roll up my sleeves
Lathering soap on my biceps so they shine.
I do twenty pushups and unbutton my shirt
Open the door and strut to my lady.
That Rum 151 is some powerful shit.

So I walk up smooth as a baby's ass
Say “Hey, Miss, you from Tennessee?
Cause you're the only ten I see.”
My voice dripping
So much golden honey
I could do Shakespeare
In any park in the goddamn state.
The beauty looks me in the eye
And smiles, I swear, a string of pearls
Lighting up that dingy bar
Like it's the Fourth of July.

“Tony!” she squeals in delight,
“Did you get my Uncle's letter?
It's me, your cousin, Cassandra,
From Kalamazoo.
I'm a teenager now
I got no rules, hell,
I might just marry you
To bug the shit out of my daddy
Like Myra Gale and Jerry Lee Lewis.”

That spooked the alcohol
Right out my head to my urethra
So I had to excuse myself
Quick before I drown
In a Satan sauce of kin blood,
Sweat and tears,
Piss and vinegar,
Sodom and Gommorah
And anything else
That might prevent me
From ever getting a girl again.