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My friend lonely

When will this rain stop?
It has been pouring for days,
The streets are all lined with a wet dreary glaze.
I stare at the sky as it keeps coming down,
This is my life lately, stuck under a cloud.
How long can I drift?
How far will I go?
It seems that i'm trapped here,
Deep under sorrows.
I have to remind myself, "It's only rain."
But the water pours down, breathing it's name.
I watch with grey stares as it continues to fall.
I start to get tired, my head presses the wall.
I start to pace with anxiety, back and forth.
Tracking my foot steps, on this uneven floor.
lonely as hell, I wish for a friend
Just someone to talk to, a helping hand.
"If you can hear me, please speak!"
I get not reply,
I'm here all alone, what a surprise.
The world passes slowly,
It passes right by.
Even in dreams, my friend lonely has spies.

Written by Balefulmalevolence

Published 21st Dec 2012 | Edited 17th Jul 2013

All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.

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Re: My friend lonely

patrickbirdener (Patrick Birdener)

22nd Dec 2012 5:29am

It's really great in this piece when the rhythm is tight, but it does get a little choppy in places. That might be ok, but it just stops up the piece. Maybe you could go back and find the lines that don't fit rhythmically, and find other ways--shorter words, longer words, more words, less words, different placements of words, etc. But actually the rhythmically sound parts do seem a little spritely for talking about loneliness and unwanted downpours, too. Maybe this piece could be reworked so that it has a slower rhythm, a more mournful rhythm perhaps?--Making possibilities for the outbursts of rage in this piece, as well. And um...I just noticed...in "back and forth,"--well, the "forth" there is spelled "forth," not "fourth." You're talking about going backward and forward in a shortened way--"back and forth." You're not talking about "the fourth of something."