All choked up

Help me, 
Help me understand!
I need to understand.
What do you mean I don't get it?
Have you really tried to explain?!
So that's it, that's the best you can bring yourself to,
Well alright.  
I guess, I'll just sit here and wait til you're ready to talk, just like I always do. 
It's the abyss as the iris that he stares into as he continues to pull,
but manages to bring nothing out of me.
I can't possibly explain how I feel, 
So instead we sit in silence, and he contemplates his disappointment, fuming with anger.  
Heated to the third degree.
I tell him it's nothing, cause maybe it's really nothing. 
Or maybe it's just so much, its everything.
I just wasn't ready yet, ill never be ready, yet, the doubt was malicious, tearing away at me. 
I hold it all in, I let nothing out.
The swelling in my throat is from the lump too hard to swallow
As I choke on my thoughts because no words are coming out,
It's not that I don't want him to know
I really want him to know,
but can he ever understand that which he doesn't feel?
Minimizing my plight would be insulting to my feelings, and I couldn't bear to deal with the mockery.
Nothing is ever as simple as he makes it seem. 
So instead I say it's nothing, I tighten my grip, look into his eyes, and whisper you're my everything. 
It's not over, he knows it's not over, but says nothing,
knowing he can't win against my timidity.
rolling over to the other side of the bed,
Pretending that its all in my head,  
saying it's too much paradox, not enough validity.  
I close my eyes and argue with my intuition,  
screaming to it, its just me.