deepundergroundpoetry.com
Contemplation of an impending departure
Endless outcomes, play on in my imagiantion
Of ,the importance of the decision
I am assured,by the
overwhelming oppionion offerd by all,
We are free to do what we want.
Choices wheigh heavily on shoulders,yeilding
selfish desires against compassionate ideals
perhaps an opportunity,to
efface the clutches of ego,
You are free to do what you want.
Self righteousness rattles,
the cage of compromise,
To be finally subdued,
by the concept of duty,
I am free.
To do what I want?
Of ,the importance of the decision
I am assured,by the
overwhelming oppionion offerd by all,
We are free to do what we want.
Choices wheigh heavily on shoulders,yeilding
selfish desires against compassionate ideals
perhaps an opportunity,to
efface the clutches of ego,
You are free to do what you want.
Self righteousness rattles,
the cage of compromise,
To be finally subdued,
by the concept of duty,
I am free.
To do what I want?
Published 20th Jul 2010
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Anonymous
7th Aug 2010 12:07pm
The words here are good, but they're heavily hampered by the poem's slapdash construction. I think you should remove all the commas and then start again from the top, putting them where you think they'll most help the flow. I often establish rhythm by reading one sentence, then reading the next, and if I have to stop and start at any point throughout the recitation then I know I need to edit.
Like I said, though, the words themselves are brilliant, and you make some very potent points.
Like I said, though, the words themselves are brilliant, and you make some very potent points.
