deepundergroundpoetry.com
A Walking Tragedy
I'm another Juliet waiting to
be stabbed in the chest by a knife
that she brings to that place with
her own hand.
The will and force to slay yourself
is something I never seem to fully
possess, maybe that's something one
should be grateful for.
A blessing for you, but a curse for
a person like me.
It's so easy to keep smiling as if no
chains are wrapped around my throat,
suffocating the words I want so badly
to speak.
There are fingers that only I can see
and feel plugging my ears to lock away
the small bits of truth with the mask
of all lies.
Voices and bloody lips with sharp teeth,
smiling and laughing and mocking my pathetic
form, cowering in red snow.
I'm the walking tragedy, but not the kind
that Shakespeare has wrote out, not the kind
that will be loved one day far from now no
matter how tear jerking or frustrating or
confusing it may be.
I will never be a treasure, I'm always going
to be the play that was thrown away.
be stabbed in the chest by a knife
that she brings to that place with
her own hand.
The will and force to slay yourself
is something I never seem to fully
possess, maybe that's something one
should be grateful for.
A blessing for you, but a curse for
a person like me.
It's so easy to keep smiling as if no
chains are wrapped around my throat,
suffocating the words I want so badly
to speak.
There are fingers that only I can see
and feel plugging my ears to lock away
the small bits of truth with the mask
of all lies.
Voices and bloody lips with sharp teeth,
smiling and laughing and mocking my pathetic
form, cowering in red snow.
I'm the walking tragedy, but not the kind
that Shakespeare has wrote out, not the kind
that will be loved one day far from now no
matter how tear jerking or frustrating or
confusing it may be.
I will never be a treasure, I'm always going
to be the play that was thrown away.
Published 14th Dec 2012
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The author encourages honest critique.
Again, you show a high degree of mastery with molding words and phrasing into a textual sculpture.
I am a little confused as to the third line of the first stanza, though. Is "that place" a place like the place Juliet was in when she stabbed herself, or is it the chest? If it's the first of those, it's a little vague, and maybe a little too ceremonious. If it's the other, then it's way too ceremonious. Yes, you're talking about stabbing yourself in the chest, taking your own life, but people just don't refer to their chests as places, at least in this context, and the phrasing you use for that line really makes it sound like a shrine. Again, granted, you're talking about taking your own life, but it could still stand to be stated more literally in that line.
In the fifth stanza, "the mask of all lies" is an ok phrase, but a little odd, and it doesn't go too well with the idea of something plugging your ears. It's just that one doesn't think of having a "mask" over one's ears. Plugs, mufflers, maybe, but not masks. Or if you want to go with "masks," maybe you could add a little more imagery dealing with the face, too.
On another note, I really do feel this piece. Or I really have felt something similar to this piece. Who's to say any of us will ever be mentioned through the centuries? Is it all for naught? And you sum that up nicely and neatly in the last two lines. But who knows, maybe we'll all pop up somewhere 500 odd years from now in some historical database titled "Lost Voices," or something like that in whatever language they'll be speaking in those days.
I am a little confused as to the third line of the first stanza, though. Is "that place" a place like the place Juliet was in when she stabbed herself, or is it the chest? If it's the first of those, it's a little vague, and maybe a little too ceremonious. If it's the other, then it's way too ceremonious. Yes, you're talking about stabbing yourself in the chest, taking your own life, but people just don't refer to their chests as places, at least in this context, and the phrasing you use for that line really makes it sound like a shrine. Again, granted, you're talking about taking your own life, but it could still stand to be stated more literally in that line.
In the fifth stanza, "the mask of all lies" is an ok phrase, but a little odd, and it doesn't go too well with the idea of something plugging your ears. It's just that one doesn't think of having a "mask" over one's ears. Plugs, mufflers, maybe, but not masks. Or if you want to go with "masks," maybe you could add a little more imagery dealing with the face, too.
On another note, I really do feel this piece. Or I really have felt something similar to this piece. Who's to say any of us will ever be mentioned through the centuries? Is it all for naught? And you sum that up nicely and neatly in the last two lines. But who knows, maybe we'll all pop up somewhere 500 odd years from now in some historical database titled "Lost Voices," or something like that in whatever language they'll be speaking in those days.
16th Dec 2012 8:51am
Thank you.
As for what 'that place' stands for, it could mean either. It's truly how the reader sees it themselves, personally I do occasionally refer to my chest as a place. Depending on where I am pointing on it, or what part of my body I am referring to, my chest is a 'place'. As for an emotional state, I also refer that as to being in a place. Unstable and ceremonious as it may be, this poem was meant to be slightly dramatic when referring to Shakespeare and Juliet from his famous play. After all, Romeo and Juliet was equally as a dramatic, no? ;)
I understand what you mean.
Like I said previously though, I don't modify my work, I leave it as raw emotion so I don't plan to go back and edit that. It may hurt the piece in ways, but I personally love that stanza just as it is. Maybe I'm a sucker for my own poetry, heh.
I wonder, and I hope. It'd make me feel far more significant of a writer than I do now when I type it all out.
Thank you for the comment.
As for what 'that place' stands for, it could mean either. It's truly how the reader sees it themselves, personally I do occasionally refer to my chest as a place. Depending on where I am pointing on it, or what part of my body I am referring to, my chest is a 'place'. As for an emotional state, I also refer that as to being in a place. Unstable and ceremonious as it may be, this poem was meant to be slightly dramatic when referring to Shakespeare and Juliet from his famous play. After all, Romeo and Juliet was equally as a dramatic, no? ;)
I understand what you mean.
Like I said previously though, I don't modify my work, I leave it as raw emotion so I don't plan to go back and edit that. It may hurt the piece in ways, but I personally love that stanza just as it is. Maybe I'm a sucker for my own poetry, heh.
I wonder, and I hope. It'd make me feel far more significant of a writer than I do now when I type it all out.
Thank you for the comment.
Really, I was responding to what you said down below when you said you wanted honest opinions on your poetry and you wanted to improve as a poet. Did you not say that? I understand you're tied to your writing, and changing it would be like sacrilege. But that's kind of the difference between someone writing just to express their feelings and someone who wants to write to give the readers an experience. If you want to be the second variety in that, you should wait a little after you've written the piece, then go back and see what you can edit, then after that, if you still think it's good, publish it. That way you won't be dripping with enthusiasm about it, and you can look at your writing in a more detached way, and not make too many mistakes based on your love for your own stuff, wheather it's completely sound or not. (Again, you did say you were interested in improving as a writer. How can you do that, if you are still unquestionably married to your own writing?)
Yes, I''ve rethought my comments, and your use of the word "place" in connection to your chest might fit with a more Shakespearean style, but with so little introduction to the shakespearean style in this piece before that, and with the fact that you are writing to a modern audience, it doesn't fit all that well. (Feelings are one thing. Writing for the audience is another.) But this is a social site, at least as much interested in fostering friendships as it is improvement in writing--but again, you did say you were interested in improvement in your writing. I've been commenting with that in mind.
Yes, I''ve rethought my comments, and your use of the word "place" in connection to your chest might fit with a more Shakespearean style, but with so little introduction to the shakespearean style in this piece before that, and with the fact that you are writing to a modern audience, it doesn't fit all that well. (Feelings are one thing. Writing for the audience is another.) But this is a social site, at least as much interested in fostering friendships as it is improvement in writing--but again, you did say you were interested in improvement in your writing. I've been commenting with that in mind.
17th Dec 2012 6:20am
Oh please don't take my words in the wrong way.
I'm not offended by your feedback, in fact it's the opposite.
As to being married to my writing, I'm not. I am not writing for anyone but myself, and of course I want to improve, but that doesn't mean I have to go back and edit my work. I take your feedback in mind for future works of mine, hence why I am set to an experienced poet. Like I said, my poetry is for me, I just thought to share it for the first and only time on DUP, I've never shared it publically before because most of my writing skills are in fictional stories or prose.
I am sorry if you were offended by what I said though and I truly do appreciate every comment I receive from you. Your blunt honesty gives me things to think of the next time I write my poetry. Then again, I will allow you to know that I was slightly offended when you said I was married to my writing and not interested in improving just because I don't want to return to works and edit them. I also understand you did not mean to offend, so I immediately swallowed the feeling, but I thought I'd let you know you came off a bit cold there.
Again, thank you for all this feedback.
I'm not offended by your feedback, in fact it's the opposite.
As to being married to my writing, I'm not. I am not writing for anyone but myself, and of course I want to improve, but that doesn't mean I have to go back and edit my work. I take your feedback in mind for future works of mine, hence why I am set to an experienced poet. Like I said, my poetry is for me, I just thought to share it for the first and only time on DUP, I've never shared it publically before because most of my writing skills are in fictional stories or prose.
I am sorry if you were offended by what I said though and I truly do appreciate every comment I receive from you. Your blunt honesty gives me things to think of the next time I write my poetry. Then again, I will allow you to know that I was slightly offended when you said I was married to my writing and not interested in improving just because I don't want to return to works and edit them. I also understand you did not mean to offend, so I immediately swallowed the feeling, but I thought I'd let you know you came off a bit cold there.
Again, thank you for all this feedback.
