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deepundergroundpoetry.com
Softer Maniac
The cats meow
lingers in my head
The streets bustling
Sunshine like too many women
left Burning in the ether
Alka-Seltzer fucking the water senseless
I am not a young man
Nor am I up to the task
lingers in my head
The streets bustling
Sunshine like too many women
left Burning in the ether
Alka-Seltzer fucking the water senseless
I am not a young man
Nor am I up to the task
Published 4th Dec 2012
| Edited 20th Jul 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Anonymous
7th Jul 2013 5:33pm
I totally dig the title.
I said this on another of your offerings, but I think it's a worthwhile tip, so I'm going to say it again: capitalizing every line is not an effective poetic device. I strongly suggest re-evaluating why you do it.
I think "again" in L3 is unnecessary (though I get the whole worlds keeps turning monotony), and "left" in L4 could be moved down in front of "burning" in L5. Otherwise the enjabment is solid.
I get the morning after feeling, the hangover, and your final line sums it up perfectly. Your word choices are just far enough from the norm to be stylishly anti-clich while your topic is relatable "Alka-Seltzer fucking the water senseless" was a stroke of genius. I understand this a little too well- partying didn't used to hurt, lol.
I said this on another of your offerings, but I think it's a worthwhile tip, so I'm going to say it again: capitalizing every line is not an effective poetic device. I strongly suggest re-evaluating why you do it.
I think "again" in L3 is unnecessary (though I get the whole worlds keeps turning monotony), and "left" in L4 could be moved down in front of "burning" in L5. Otherwise the enjabment is solid.
I get the morning after feeling, the hangover, and your final line sums it up perfectly. Your word choices are just far enough from the norm to be stylishly anti-clich while your topic is relatable "Alka-Seltzer fucking the water senseless" was a stroke of genius. I understand this a little too well- partying didn't used to hurt, lol.
