rotting sanity  

life's become a delicate balance
its not how well can i em better or enjoy life
its how ling can i survive
how long can i stay where i am stop myself from getting worse

i rarely live a day in the world the real one
find myself retreating farther into my mind
worlds created, magnificent unending creations
the ability to maintain myself forever

long ago this was done with knifes to skin ropes to neck
vial pain of myself physically utter self destruction
it felt so good to be free
to make the pain stop

this came with steep repayment
people worried punished me
i became angry and anxiety rose when i stopped
it only delayed the suffering

and all of this started with other people
to the irony
years being called fatzo excluded
i became distant and abnormal to them

only two ever spent time
one moved far and broke my heart as a lover
the other i did wrong by to do right by one who she wronged
i regret acting like a horny fuck to distance myself she broke me as family

its not them that kills me slowly
its the simple fact theres nothing else
theres no one else
theres no joy no friends no trust

this has all led me not feel
not to care of others as i do
not to cry when sad
not to attack when mad

so i hide in my mind
but there are demons here
i have broken myself
into peaces

this is why i don't feel like others
if i did i couldn't handle it
i can't keep touch with whats real
rather its my mind or my eyes

my minds as broken as my skin was
i'm torn and dieing
bit by bit
and i don't wanna die anymore

i tried to end myself though knifes
but i wanna live not exist
i wanna wake up for someone
not because i have slept

everything given or wrong i have done has been paid back
if not well in forward
and what kills me is even my enemies are advancing
moving forward i'm worceing

i've done nothing to end so painful a place
my desires are of a love
someone i love that returns it
someone i can trust with my heart and myself

at the end of the day i'm a pathetic excuse of a person
i can vaguely function
no one knows me heres my crys for help
and i know not anything i have done to end here

and if i do die or go mad
i don't want attention or morning
but the promos that this won't be aloud to happen to another
at the end of it all i was given myself so i can't be ungrateful