deepundergroundpoetry.com
silver
yes
i was the broken wheel
the beaten dog
that thing you lost last year
that you do not remember owning
i was the space between dreams
the gap between clouds
the discontinued line
not front-of-house
nor the face of the company
but i was free
and that means
regardless of truth
that i sang
as clear as the birds
at dawn
after this
go ask the hooker
what we talked about
last saturday
she
temporary companion
in a life of long nights
was paid for
like everything else
in hard money
and a softness
that did not extend
beyond my needs
as they came
that hour of her strangers skin
and empty almost-love
was as honest as i ever got
which was terrible enough
for me
to call 'last drinks'
so
you'll find me hanging
in the shed;
my own
silver lining
i was the broken wheel
the beaten dog
that thing you lost last year
that you do not remember owning
i was the space between dreams
the gap between clouds
the discontinued line
not front-of-house
nor the face of the company
but i was free
and that means
regardless of truth
that i sang
as clear as the birds
at dawn
after this
go ask the hooker
what we talked about
last saturday
she
temporary companion
in a life of long nights
was paid for
like everything else
in hard money
and a softness
that did not extend
beyond my needs
as they came
that hour of her strangers skin
and empty almost-love
was as honest as i ever got
which was terrible enough
for me
to call 'last drinks'
so
you'll find me hanging
in the shed;
my own
silver lining
Published 27th Nov 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 8
reading list entries 1
comments 16
reads 905
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
27th Nov 2012 11:28am
27th Nov 2012 9:30pm
No V, you don't need to say anything :-)
(jesus...my christmas card list is getting positively international...send me and address baby...I'll make it happen :-)
hh
(jesus...my christmas card list is getting positively international...send me and address baby...I'll make it happen :-)
hh
"a softness
that did not extend
beyond my needs
as they came"
on second read, this felt so stripped threadbare. not the work but the emotion, especially in relation to the overall story - stripping, stripping, leading perfectly up to those last few lines.
"was as honest as i ever got
which was terrible enough
for me
to call 'last drinks'"
being that honest is a thing you don't want to remember sometimes. but the point where it feels like it's over is usually the start cycle of something else, fine things or failings... that's the adventure. i know you know this shit... just thoughts brought out from the writing. low notes, but beautifully brought.
um, yes. dibs on a Christmas card also. [:
that did not extend
beyond my needs
as they came"
on second read, this felt so stripped threadbare. not the work but the emotion, especially in relation to the overall story - stripping, stripping, leading perfectly up to those last few lines.
"was as honest as i ever got
which was terrible enough
for me
to call 'last drinks'"
being that honest is a thing you don't want to remember sometimes. but the point where it feels like it's over is usually the start cycle of something else, fine things or failings... that's the adventure. i know you know this shit... just thoughts brought out from the writing. low notes, but beautifully brought.
um, yes. dibs on a Christmas card also. [:
27th Nov 2012 9:35pm
Ah my dear, how often we talk about beginnings and endings. This piece is a little strange to me, as I wrote it late last night, pretty hammered, so I woke this morning keen to see what kind of heap of shit I'd posted...turns out I don't mind it, and pleased you didn't seem to mind it either :-)
Yes, there is always a silver lining :-)
(as for christmas cards, you know I will, if you send the address my dear)
h-to-the-valiant-lovin'-h
Yes, there is always a silver lining :-)
(as for christmas cards, you know I will, if you send the address my dear)
h-to-the-valiant-lovin'-h
27th Nov 2012 6:21pm
Hugh.
You could probably drop the 'that at the start of the 4th line. other than that, there is an almost clinical feel to the form and structure. like you built a ship out of matchsticks pouring time and love into every match glued together.
I was a bit taken by the ending which seemed abrupt or over angst in relation to what you normally write. that said, on reflection it certainly fits and in no way emo-fies the poem.
The Lady above interprets the feelings far better than I so I'll not even try to re-create that particular oration :)
Totally immersed into this one. fair play.
ps. I have no interest in cards but am partial to any bottled alcohol with a 50% proof or over.
You could probably drop the 'that at the start of the 4th line. other than that, there is an almost clinical feel to the form and structure. like you built a ship out of matchsticks pouring time and love into every match glued together.
I was a bit taken by the ending which seemed abrupt or over angst in relation to what you normally write. that said, on reflection it certainly fits and in no way emo-fies the poem.
The Lady above interprets the feelings far better than I so I'll not even try to re-create that particular oration :)
Totally immersed into this one. fair play.
ps. I have no interest in cards but am partial to any bottled alcohol with a 50% proof or over.
27th Nov 2012 9:38pm
Arse, grass, or gas Eamon....unless you drink th bottle with me :-)
Yes, this one feels a little strange to me too, like the narrator breathes out and says 'fuck it', or something, near the end....
(the double 'that' is a heap of shit, and no denying, but when I remove it the verse gets too damn bare, so, against both our better judgements, I've left it in....terrible writing)
Good man Eamon....and go the blacks :-)
hh
Yes, this one feels a little strange to me too, like the narrator breathes out and says 'fuck it', or something, near the end....
(the double 'that' is a heap of shit, and no denying, but when I remove it the verse gets too damn bare, so, against both our better judgements, I've left it in....terrible writing)
Good man Eamon....and go the blacks :-)
hh
27th Nov 2012 7:52pm
Absolute perfection. This makes me feel like not every time I get paid isn't worth the money. thank you sir. i am going to keep this one forever. damn.
27th Nov 2012 9:40pm
Ah D....she was a fine woman and mother, and with a streak of reality in her that made her a perfect companion for a man hovering around the edges of dark places....I did write her a couple of days ago, but removed the write....a precious moment poorly expressed.
Keep up the good work :-)
hh
Keep up the good work :-)
hh
28th Nov 2012 1:41pm
10th Dec 2012 9:18am
4th Dec 2012 00:25am
I'm going to follow up Jesta's comment, she took the same quotes as I would have so in essence it would be wasteful not to reference but enough about that...
I thought this was elegantly composed, the last part stunned me - it's so unlike you, not to compare you but more Pa-Judas style. That isn't to say I don't like it I do but it was stripped for you, which makes it memorable and unique. I love your poetry for the story, for the fact you take yourself out (in a way) and give us a character. Here it's just you, and it's still damn, damn impressive.
I thought this was elegantly composed, the last part stunned me - it's so unlike you, not to compare you but more Pa-Judas style. That isn't to say I don't like it I do but it was stripped for you, which makes it memorable and unique. I love your poetry for the story, for the fact you take yourself out (in a way) and give us a character. Here it's just you, and it's still damn, damn impressive.
10th Dec 2012 9:21am
Ah nice....and here I was worrying the voice was too 'different'...good on you LA, for swinging in with worthy words :-)
I'll try to lay off the hookers a while though...hard on the liquor budget :-)
hh
I'll try to lay off the hookers a while though...hard on the liquor budget :-)
hh
9th Dec 2012 1:10pm
Enjoyed the first half: "that thing you lost last year that you do not remember owning" Eesh, bitten to the quick, savagely good.
(Not keen on the second half, partly because it's been done too many times before, and partly because I don't buy the 'almost-love' or the 'honesty')
But the finish ... yes, was worth the wait for sure. I like the idea of you being your own silver lining - and the shed's got more silver, more honesty, more everything, than front of house ever could ;-) Great way to end the piece, Hemi, cheers.
(Not keen on the second half, partly because it's been done too many times before, and partly because I don't buy the 'almost-love' or the 'honesty')
But the finish ... yes, was worth the wait for sure. I like the idea of you being your own silver lining - and the shed's got more silver, more honesty, more everything, than front of house ever could ;-) Great way to end the piece, Hemi, cheers.
10th Dec 2012 9:19am
Ah my dear....tried to get this story down a number of ways, but in the end, yes, it's been done to death...probably should've known better :-)
(pleased you liked some of it :-)
hh
(pleased you liked some of it :-)
hh
11th Dec 2012 00:46am
Oi, it's only that middle section wasn't keen on ... loved a lot about this piece, and the shed does you proud; my old man was at his best there ;-)
11th Dec 2012 00:50am
