domestic violence

domestic violence
06-19-10

so many afraid of death
the old having lost the loves of their lives long ago
their families having stopped visiting and writing
yet they still hang on avidly with those last threads
for just one more day
one more moment here in this wretched hell on earth
till their bodies just give up completely
death is the unknown
life has beaten us all down
and dragged us through our own versions of hell
but at least we're familiar with this
it's the enemy
but an old enemy that we've faced a thousand times

it's like an abusive relationship
you don't like the fists and the fighting
you want the suffering to end
but you at least know what to expect from day to day
the beating and yelling you've become used to
in a sick way
the scarier part sometimes
is trying to figure out life again
alone
that's the unknown
we weigh our options
and try to figure what's the path of least resistence
the struggle that holds the least amount of pain

no one knows what comes after death
no one knows what will come to us
even what life will bring our way in the next momement
but truly life scares me more than death
death is the ultimate unknown
but I know life
and there is no hell save the one we're already in
I will take fate into my own hands
I will take my own life when life becomes too much
and death seems the best choice


three times I've tried to leave
I remember once swallowing a bottle of pills
and in a giddy voice I said to myself,
"I'm going to die, I'm going to die!"
I was so excited
welcoming of the oncoming eternal rest
the oncoming unknown
that truly I couldn not and can not know the outcome of
perhaps the fourth time is a charm

all the visions of psychics of the past and present
all the halluciations by the elders of primitive tribes
all the rantings of religious zealots and their willing followers
claiming having seen or know the truth
claiming they know what comes after this life ends
no
no one knows
we're not suppose to know
perhaps reincarnation
perhaps heaven and hell
perhaps a new existence entirely
we have our ideas
but they're only theories
no one knows for sure
all I can hope for is that when we go into the ground that's it
no afterlife at all
just dirt covering us and emptiness becoming us

as for my own theories
I can only hope that the dream I had will come true
in which I was breathing my last breaths
on inhale I sucked the entirety of existence
into me
into implosion
like a blackholes gravity
back into the void
and on exhale it would all come back
I am not the void
I don't know what I am
but I have my theories
all I can hope for is that my final breath
just like you see in movies and in hospitals
is that my final inhale will suck us all in
and my suffocation at the sympathy of far too many opiates
really does take it all back in to where it started
from nothingness we came
to nothingness we will return

I am not the void
but I fell in love with her
at first sight
and I pray and scream to whatever may be listening
take me there again
take us all
away from all this suffering and tedious bullshit
and this time leave me there
let my final breath take me and all of this away
into seemless blackness
this is my romance
my vision
my love
my prayer
my hope
stop beating me down with this sick game
and let me sleep in the cool arms of the void
indefinitely

this is my prayer