deepundergroundpoetry.com
the way we lived
he lived like a suicide note waiting to happen
the sadness in his eyes a mirror to his bloodied knuckles
the skin still hanging from the brickwork where he’d torn them
in a hurricane rage
there’s writing on the wall
it says you and me
faded among the cracking paintwork
and plaster holes
I’m dead on the inside
all the pretty words now left behind
for other ears to hear
I lived like a suicide note waiting to happen
with infinite grey eyes that could hide everything with a smile
bruised knuckles and a dented wardrobe
blood on the pillows from where I cried myself to sleep
last night
I longed for a God
and I prayed to fog-filled air for mercy and love
clawing at my skin when the demons whispered
my unsung sins
there’s a diary filled with memories
years’ worth of silent thoughts
and never to be read poetry
we lived the same way we died
to be reborn in agonising highlights
of a past that never truly gets left behind
-Eve-
the sadness in his eyes a mirror to his bloodied knuckles
the skin still hanging from the brickwork where he’d torn them
in a hurricane rage
there’s writing on the wall
it says you and me
faded among the cracking paintwork
and plaster holes
I’m dead on the inside
all the pretty words now left behind
for other ears to hear
I lived like a suicide note waiting to happen
with infinite grey eyes that could hide everything with a smile
bruised knuckles and a dented wardrobe
blood on the pillows from where I cried myself to sleep
last night
I longed for a God
and I prayed to fog-filled air for mercy and love
clawing at my skin when the demons whispered
my unsung sins
there’s a diary filled with memories
years’ worth of silent thoughts
and never to be read poetry
we lived the same way we died
to be reborn in agonising highlights
of a past that never truly gets left behind
-Eve-
Published 15th Nov 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 5
reading list entries 1
comments 4
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 16th Nov 2012 1:25am
16th Nov 2012 1:22am
<< post removed >>
16th Nov 2012 1:53am
wow, thank you so so much for your kind words. :]
P.S. I love that movie.
-Eve-
P.S. I love that movie.
-Eve-
18th Nov 2012 9:37am
Hi Eve:
This has quite a few very strong points (and perhaps in need of a few slight brushings)-- and the rest merely my response from the read itself.
I like the metaphor of the suicide note, and really liked the image of names fading upon cracking paintwork (2nd strophe). In my opinion, the third stanza could be eliminated altogether, as those points are made, quite clearly, throughout the rest of the piece-- and sort of breaks the flow. In the 2nd to last, there is no need for the apostrophe in "years". If this was an attempt to show some sort of ownership (as it could not hardly work as a contraction)-- perhaps a little more clarity may be required as to whom or what owns whom or what.
Otherwise, I think you have done quite well with this write, and I am cannot say I enjoyed the read (as the subject matter is actually a tad disturbing)--but I do think that you handled it very well.
Nice to meet you Eaveateredapples.
Uley
This has quite a few very strong points (and perhaps in need of a few slight brushings)-- and the rest merely my response from the read itself.
I like the metaphor of the suicide note, and really liked the image of names fading upon cracking paintwork (2nd strophe). In my opinion, the third stanza could be eliminated altogether, as those points are made, quite clearly, throughout the rest of the piece-- and sort of breaks the flow. In the 2nd to last, there is no need for the apostrophe in "years". If this was an attempt to show some sort of ownership (as it could not hardly work as a contraction)-- perhaps a little more clarity may be required as to whom or what owns whom or what.
Otherwise, I think you have done quite well with this write, and I am cannot say I enjoyed the read (as the subject matter is actually a tad disturbing)--but I do think that you handled it very well.
Nice to meet you Eaveateredapples.
Uley
18th Nov 2012 10:15am
Thank you so much Uley for taking the time to give me such kind feedback. I will think over your points. So happy you enjoyed.
- Eve -
- Eve -
