Journal #1

I think I'm losing my mind. I constantly have these fears. Always have, but they are getting worse. The future is so surprising and not knowing what's going to happen tomorrow creeps me out. I just have to be prepared for everything. I am scared of natural disasters, the end of the world, loss of a loved one, my own death etc. Am I crazy to be worried about things no one can control? I just can't even hardly stand to be out of my home. I do not watch the news anymore and haven't for some time. I have these vivid dreams sometimes I will dream everynight for a week. I wake up to tell my husband. Many times have my dreams actually been the warning of serious occurrences in my life. It scares me to go to sleep in fear of a dream that is going to alter anything. I do not like change at all. My husband gets freaked out when I wake up to tell him because there have been a few times where some of the things actually happened. I had a dream about a keyhole and I was looking through it at my husband. I could not pinpoint exactly what that but I spent two days researching it. Those two days went by and as it would turn out, My husband had a court date that even our lawyer didn't know about. Of course he didn't make it and they charged him with failure to appear. The next day they wanted to see him immediately. My husband is a felon and is on parole so this wasn't his first offense. He's got a pretty extensive criminal history. We got married last year after just four months of knowing each other. Anyway, we just feared the absolute worse. How could we not? Then, we are thanking God because he did not go to prison. It was a close call, and costed us a substantial amount in lawyer and court fees. Was that dream saying something or not? Well, this morning i woke up and said, "I had a dream." My husbands face was priceless. He couldn't stand it if he were the one having these dreams. In that dream, there was a mirror and my husband was looking into it, and the scary part was that it was broken. I'm scared. I'm in fear for my husband. It is sooooo scary. I just worry all the time. I am bi-polar, and a few other things too. I have got to get over all this. I just can't be worried all the time. It stresses me out so bad.