I can't read your words anymore

I can't read your words anymore    
because every time I read them,    
it spears me all over again    
   
And I'm already so full of holes    
I'm sucking air now    
a giant, sucking chest wound    
and could become    
just an emptied, orbiting void    
a shell of pure nothingness    
   
But at least maybe then    
the pain would become unrecognizable    
by any remaining humanity left inside    
   
Once I was alive inside of you    
Painting your brave dreams vividly    
with all the the flagrant emotions of hope    
   
I can't read your words anymore    
I do just fine until I make that mistake again    
though someday your name will be    
just another sad, tired chapter of a life I had to close    
   
A bereft bank account that began to cost much more    
than it ever added to my days.    
And even that wouldn't be so difficult to bear    
except for the memories    
   
how much you still managed to torture me    
and how I bore up under it, embraced my martyrdom    
because I thought I was your only savior then    
   
And I can't help wondering, do you torture the other now    
or are you saving it for an unexpected surprise later on?    
Or perhaps it was a special treatment    
only for an upstart like me?