rotgut

Thanks Gabriel,

Your reviews are equally kickass, man, your enthusiasm like, tickles me.

Thanks again for the r/r
B

...some work to do here.

rotgut





I want to slide down your lips (down my lips, or down my neck? The image doesn't work for me...passed my lips?)
like silk,
like kerosene,
like madness, (too many likes for these eyes)
and bloom in your stomach like a
drop of food coloring in a glass of water
tainting that shit irrevocably. (too many words here for me...why not just 'taint'?)

I want you to fuck you up
so damn badly tonight
that you swear off me
tomorrow morning,
unwilling to put your body
through this again (the other words weren't needed)

and when you mean to reach for a (why line break here? Don't run from long sentences if they have to be that way)
glass of water and an asprin,
I want you to instead
reach for me
with shaking hands
for just one more taste
just enough to take the edge off

Days later,
I want you
to lick your lips
and shudder at the thought
of the way I taste,
palms sweating as you
dream of more.

When you come for more
I want us to  
get shit-faced fast,
ride out the rage,
the loneliness,
the fear
the lust,
the sickness and shame (kills the 'the's, for the same reason as the 'like's)

so that we can finally let go
and each stop battling ourselves in silence

and force it all past another set of lips

I want you to fuck it out of me,
fuck it into me,
my moans as you do like  
the best damn scotch
that you poured down the drain
so that you could drink bathtub gin
from an old
Diet Coke bottle,  
while you tie me down,
twist me, take me, make me
recreate me in an image so sick
that security knocks on the door
to make sure nobody’s dying. (you have two ideas here...the drinking/pouring and the tying up....did you mean to jump the reader's eye around, and if so, why?)

We lie, and
say nobody’s dying. (good)

when really
my eyes are rolled back
in my head
as you succumb in my arms
from ethanol fumes
and

black
label
me
(pour it on harder at the end....black label top shelf moonshine naked me...or some such...needs a heavier landing)

All opinion, probably of dubious merit.

hh

SO MUCH AWESOME.

Thanks. I looked at everything you said.

Changed the opening image, thanks.
Kept the likes, 'cause I like 'em.
Kept the too many words after taint but cut the stuff in 'through this again."
Left the line break - because it felt right? No other reason.
Killed the 'the's'
Totally didn't mean to jump the reader, poor reader. I cleaned that up.
Still thinking of how to kick it harder at the end.

Really, thanks hemi. I really appreciate it.
Happy writing!
B

I like your tell all style with such great will and intensity!
Very nice. :-)

Thanks! Glad you like it.

Unregretably unwholesome; tragic stardust and shot glass porn....

Fuck, man, some days you come up with the goods.

Shot glass porn.

(That would be a stellar band name.)

Thanks turtle.
Betty

Betty.Your wave of awesomeness is what I incessantly wish to catch.Nice one.

Thanks Viwe, glad you liked it.

holy fuckin shit.
i have a page for you.
this was powerful..minor tweaks addressed by hemi i'm in agreement with...

Let me tell you this is fire.
I'm in a budget meeting. I'll get back to you.

Thanks